It’s been a long, long time since I’ve been here. The reason being, things have been going really well. Until now, that is.
A couple of weeks ago, I fell back into drinking. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned this on here. But I used to be an alcoholic. It was in 2008, after I gave my life to Christ, where I realized how bad my drinking was (after a mentor/friend pointed it out). It was then, where I started to let the Holy Spirit reign in me, and I was able to control my drinking. In 2009, this went even further, and God told me to stop drinking altogether. Minus a few sips or half drinks over the years, I’ve remained sober.
Until a couple of weeks ago.
I won’t go into details, but the jist of it is too many changes were going on in my life at one time, and I finally reached a breaking point. Due to how my body doesn’t handle stress or change well (at all!), I was intensely stressed (physiologically) over things I rationally knew didn’t need to be stressed over. I needed a reprieve. One drink at my sister’s led to me buying alcohol to drink at home, to drinking more than one drink at a time. I’ve crossed my own personal boundaries (i.e. I’ll only drink at other people’s houses and not at home, I’ll only drink on weekends and not work nights). Sunday morning was the first time I woke up hungover/among other things in 11 years. I don’t want to share details, but the morning reminded me of how important it was to stay the course with sobriety. I had a sobering moment (no pun intended lol) where I was at church, out of it, and everything good in my life flashed before my eyes. And how me going back to drinking could jeopardize that.
I called a friend (the same friend who, 11 years ago, pointed out my drinking problem), told her what had happened, and she basically said she was going to hold me accountable. (Good friend!) I even dumped out the five beers that were sitting in my fridge while on the phone with her.
I’d been on a strict eating plan for years (which I went on for a medical condition, but it really helped my mental health), up until about a year ago when I started “cheating”. This eventually led to me drinking coffee (which really messes me up mental health wise). From this, it was like, “Why not have alcohol, too?” Yesterday I went hard core raw vegan, because I know when I’m raw vegan I feel really good and it’s just a really good detox. I bought like $40 worth of fruits/veggies. I was going to make a hard core change and get back on track!
And now, it’s Thursday night. I’m fed up that I can’t find anyone to go to the August Burns Red/ Silent Planet concert with Tuesday. (I’ve been asking around for over a month.) I even offered to pay for someone else’s tickets, but to no avail. I have extreme anxiety about walking to my car in the dark alone in a big city, and even driving back an hour and a half to a friends in another city late at night. (I live 3 hours away from the venue). Or even if I could stay with a friend in the same city, I have anxiety about finding my way back to her place in the dark, in a new city, a half hour away. To add salt to the wound, and this is no one’s fault, but I just found out Silent Planet/ABR are playing a show at a festival this weekend. I thought maybe I could hop a ride with my brother cause he’s going, but his car is full. (My car can’t be driven long distances until Monday after it’s fixed).
For so long I’ve been so sick and tired of feeling like I don’t fit into society. I’m in my mid thirties, not married, no kids. In and of itself, I enjoy being single. It’s the fact that I don’t fit into society, or even the church. Cause “everyone’s” married.
I’m just SO SICK of stress and my brain not handling stress in any sort of capacity, even when I tell myself rational thoughts, and I know it is irrational to be stressed. So sick of feeling like the oddball of society and like I don’t fit in anywhere. So sick of not finding friends after a year of being back in this country. It seems like everyone my age is married, has kids, and is too busy to hang out. ALL I wanted was to go see two of my favorite bands! I know my own fear is stopping me. But there is something to be said about being a woman and having someone walk her to her car late at night, especially in a large, unfamiliar city.
I just want to drink right now. It’s like, after all the stress I’ve dealt with the past month. I just wanted to go to this concert. To really have fun, and hear music from artists who have helped me in my darkest hour. But fear is stopping me. I used to be so adventurous and do what I wanted to do. Not anymore. Between the stress in my head and feeling like I’m always too fearful to do anything adventurous, I just wanna drink to numb out.
