3 months ago.. my world changed

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3 months ago today (I guess technically yesterday) was the day I had the miscarriage. I remember the week before Nate calling out of the blue to see how I was doing with no clue that I had just received the news that I was pregnant… but I knew then things weren’t right.

But can I be honest with you guys right now. It’s freaking hard. I’m not as strong as you guys think I am. I still struggle every freaking day. I still relapse. Matter of fact I relapsed tonight on pills and self harm. Here’s to saying that I am weak and I am not perfect.

I can’t fake having my life together anymore. I’m broken and I’m hurting. Ever since everything happened with hs almost two months ago now man I’ve been at a lost. I don’t know which was is up or down. Sure I’ve been to therapy and groups and church. But none of those will ever replace the friends and relationships that I once had here.

I am mad at myself for relapsing, but honestly I’m more pissed at myself for reaching out. I’ve got to be strong right… that’s what everyone wants. I don’t know.

Read this or don’t… idk anymore. My heart is hurting and I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to die but I don’t want this pain anymore.

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Hi Monkey,

I’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with all of this right now. I can’t even imagine would is running through your mind, but I want you to realize that the only person expecting you to fake having your life together is yourself; I myself would never expect that of anybody I meet or interact with. You’re only human, nobody is expecting you to be anything more or less. So you had a relapse, it happens. Focus on how much further you can make it not going back to pills or harming yourself next time, and just take it day by day. Don’t be angry for reaching out, this is too much for any one person to handle on their own. The pain is going to be around for as long as your mind and body need to recover from it, please just give yourself time and be kinder to yourself.

I know I can’t say anything to actually make you feel any better, but I hope it helps. Please don’t give up.

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