A new beginning… I sit here making this post with a clear mind and a heavy heart trying to decide really what those words mean to me. I didn’t know… before about an hour ago I thought I had no chance at a new beginning, rather that today was the end. That today would be the day that I ended it all, that it was finally the end to my pain and suffering but man did God have other plans in mind for my day.
24 hours no sleep, not really having much food in my system, I made a comment in the real-talk portion of the discord last night, as broken as I’ve been in a long time… And I was done! I hit what I thought was my limit of what I could and what I was willing to take from this life, I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t want to live this life full of pain and disappointment anymore, I was over it. So you’re probably at this point thinking… well monkey you said this is a new beginning so where are you going with this… Well here’s where the new beginning starts…
I messaged a member of the heart support community towards the end of last week, and I was broken and I was unsure, this individual invited me to vc him, I agreed, but then ended up getting called into work and so that didn’t happen. But he still wanted to chat sometime this week. So fast forward to yesterday, he messaged me yesterday morning, and I didn’t respond. I was lost, I didn’t feel like talking explaining, or opening up to another person who I just expected to let me down and hurt me in the end.
So now we are back to last night, where I sit in my bed and I’m ready to end it all. I honestly believe it’s the end. I slowly begin to try to wrap my head around the past 21 years of my life, the mistakes I made, the things I did, and the things that I wish I would have done differently. And I knew I was doomed, and I knew exactly what I needed to do… I chat with a few friends from streams, they’re concerned they know where I’m headed. They attempt to remind me I’m loved, want me to promise I will wake up the next morning. So I spend all night going back and reading old support wall posts, watching old heart support streams, reading messages from the people in this community who love me, and I break. I cry. I’m at a lost. I spend an hour on the phone with the suicide hotline, and I leave feeling more broken, more worthless, and more alone. But I promise the operator I’ll be okay…
This morning, the member that wanted to vc with me last week, happens to message me again to ask me how I’m doing. I send him a screenshot of my messages from the previous night in the real-talk portion of the discord, and he instantly calls. I’m in class at this time about to do a presentation, but I promised him that I would go ahead and call him after class. An hour and a half… and hour and a half conversation… tears from both ends… and a rough conversation that started me on a NEW BEGINNING.
So where do I go from here? I finally have started to understand my feelings, why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling and what have led up to the feelings. I’ve slowly began to accept that there’s so many things in my life that I’ve taken the blame for, that in all reality weren’t my fault. And I’ve turned back to the one person… the person who loves me… has since day one… and has always had His eye on me… And that’s God. For so long I was angry and turned away, but through a long talk and tears and understanding, he’s not the mean kid on the ant hill.
I wouldn’t be where I’m at today without the help of so many of you guys! Some are members of the community, some are members of other twitch communities. But you guys are the reason I’m here… the reason I don’t give up! And I love you guys more then words can express.
Danjo, Casers, Nate, Ash, Lys, Hushy, Kayla, SamuelTuckerYoung, Matt (from TG1C), and I know that there’s so many others I’m forgetting! But you guys mean the world to me, and you never gave up on me no matter how many times I gave up on myself, and you all mean the world to me! This community is a life saver! Love you all!
Hold Fast!! You’re Worth It! I’m Worth It!
Monkey