A self claimed failure

Just as it says. I claim myself as a failure. Once I was told by my youth pastor many years ago, “failure is an event, not a person.” Yeah seems like it could be something to help us along. The thing is that over time I have lost faith. Studying theology helped that. I can understand that when we fail at something it just means we didn’t succeed on the try. The thing is… why does it feel like no matter what is done, it’s a fail.
My story may not matter. I really don’t think it matters where I came from or what I have done. All I see is my failure in my life.
I say this… simply because I am not where I need to be in my life.
I feel like everything is crashing in a negative way.
I have been divorce for 5 years. I have a 6 year old daughter that I have done anything in my power to protect. Lately her mom has come back to her life after disappearing on her for a little over a year within the last 2. This being court ordered I can not stop it. I would never withhold my daughter from her mom. It’s just not right. Lately I have caught little conversations with my daughter and her mom on the phone, and I have caught my child in several lies making me look like the bad person. I have tried teaching my daughter not to lie. As I don’t. When I was a kid I learned fast that it only gets you in trouble lying. This lead to many negative consequences growing up. I honestly just feel betrayed.
To top that off… I feel like a failure when it comes to my job. I have been with my company for over a year. I have loved every aspect of my job until a recent move/promotion. I did well when I started. I was promoted twice within a year within a big business. Just a few months ago I took another promotion out of town. I took the promotion because there was no more room to grow where I was. I moved 70+ miles for a job. Somewhere where I was stable for the last 6 years of my life. (That was the most I have stayed somewhere. It was a huge step for me. For 4 years alone I moved every few months.) There were so many perks to my move. So many great opportunities to actually succeed, and I find myself in a hole. I have been on and LOA for almost a month. After my move I mentally went down hill and realized I couldn’t really handle how my life was/is going.
I have a lot of PTSD, but I won’t go down that road. Needless to say my pay has been cut in half. No one knows, and I try to keep it together well. My job is there, but I can’t find myself to return until I’m actually in my head. (I just feel like I’m not me. It affects how I work.) This aspect is bringing me down because I feel like I’m failing myself for not doing what I should be.

To the benefits of moving. With my promotion came a big raise. And a huge change in position. Extremely beneficial for my daughter and myself. This is when my ex wife decided it was time for her to be a mom again. Literally the day I moved she filed emergency custody. (This I’m still battling.) Yes, being able to be financially secured, with a new home seems great. With the cut backs I lost my other home I had. I feel like a let down because it was my first home. A place to call my own. The biggest thing for myself and my daughter was getting to move and be closer with my fiancée. (This has turned to an anxiety attack.)
On that note she is a wonderful woman. Something I am not used to. My past relationships have been abusive. (Yes ladies, y’all can be pretty fucking abusive as well.) This is where the anxiety attack comes in… I’m not used to a woman who has actually cared about me. She put my daughter before me even. It’s such a wonderful feeling somewhere deep down, but the anxiety hits to where all I can think due to past issues… she is cheating on me, or maybe she’ll be fed up with me if I lose my daughter, or I don’t mentally recover, or maybe I’m just a warm body to be next to. Fuck, I know I’m just over thinking, but I can’t help it. Makes me feel like I’m failing her. Like I’m failing my little at the same time.
Because the thing is… I know I am loved. I see it. She has been supportive of me and fighting my mental battle. Right now she is the bread winner in my home. She tells me to work on me before returning back to where I can focus again. Hell, honestly I’m not sure why I’m so scared. We have even talked about having a family of our own.
I guess where it gets me is… what if I fail again at actually having a family I can call my own.

The people that are successful or look successful. All tell you that there are going to be failures. They say the difference between people that are successful look at the statistics of odds differently than the average person.

I remember an example where the author in this business book stated that say you had a 1 out of 10 chance of success? The average person would take a stab of succeeding twice then quit. They be content with the outcome and gave it not just a shot but 2 shots and that is enough for them.

“Oh, guess I’m not that lucky. At least I tried.” Truth is they quit.

A person sees the same odds takes a couple of tries. The average person would say it is a one out of ten chance of success. Yet this person (The successful person) takes his two shots and he thinks look now the odds are in my favor. “It started out as a one in ten chance of success, but now it is a 1 out of seven chance of success!” So the successful person doesn’t quit. He’s smart about how he moves forward yet he keeps going until he succeeds.

This is the difference between a Successful person and a Failure. A successful person moves on. A Failure just quits. All it really is that one person sees the same odds differently. They’re both right. Yet how you percieve something changes the game entirely. It can lead to you sabotaging yourself or inspiring yourself.

Be strong. May only good times be ahead of you.