Afraid of success and healthy relationships

I don’t know why posting this here feels easier than reaching out to someone on discord but here goes. I feel like I’m in a constant cycle of self-destruction. There’s so much I need to be doing and for some reason, I can’t get up off the couch. I’ve sat here for days watching YouTube videos avoiding the mountain of things I have to get done. It seems like every time I even hear a whisper of success I freeze and mess it all up. I tell myself I’m not good enough or I don’t deserve it and make excuses to give up. I push away healthy people and gravitate towards those who reinforce the negative things my ex used to say to me. I’m afraid to reach out because I think I’m a burden or that people will think I’m just seeking attention, or see that I’m hurting and just choose to ignore it. I know in the back of my mind it’s not true but I’ve been hurt so many tmes that I have a hard time letting people in. Even those who have offered an ear. I can’t cry in situations where it’s expected, but will burst into tears over something like finding out my favourite lipstick isn’t cruelty-free. I’m an absolute mess and know there’s so much to be done to dig myself out of it, but still, I just sit here, telling people I’m fine, aside from a select few. And at this point, I’m even afraid to talk to them because I feel like a broken record taking up too much of their time. None of this is rational and I know it, but right now, I feel like there’s no escape.

I feel the same way sometimes as far as i sometimes think im not good enough.i have to look past all the negative things going on in my life and search for the good things. Even if it takes a while to find it. You just may have to take things slower and not overwhelm yourself everyone is different and handle certain things differently so make sure you do this at your own pace. We are here for you at your weakest times you matter and are loved

Something that has helped me is questioning my negative thoughts that come into my life, and then calling out there BS. Also just getting out of your normal routine and habitat can be extremely helpful. Take a drive somewhere and explore a new part of town.
Negative self talk and feelings of worthiness can be super hard to deal with. Know we love you here and if you ever need to vent more I would be happy to listen :slight_smile:

I have been battling the same things except I can’t afford not to go to work on a daily so I make myself get up, get dressed and wind up the robot inside myself. Pretending all is well while in public only to shatter once again at the end of the day. Crying endlessly through the night. Feeling alone. Always alone. Not believing for any evidence I will ever not be alone. It’s a vicious cycle of self torment. Everything you said is exactly how I’ve been feeling and thinking…I’m glad to know we are not alone in this struggle.
I think the best way to make a change is to believe I want to change. Yes, today I want to change. @CXIY Your advice is absolutely true. I know the times in my life when I’ve been authentically “ok” regardless of life circumstances have been the times when I have control over my thoughts and make a dedicated decision to stop the negative thinking and replace it with being thankful! There is always something to be thankful for. I’m thankful for this forum because now I don’t feel quite as lonely and can communicate with people like me without feeling like such a burden to the people in my life I’m constantly crying out (even begging) for help from. @teknicolourful I’m here for you and you do not sound like a broken record and certainly not a burden! Your a precious human being :heart:️ your life adds value to others! :hugs: You all have helped me today! Thank you!