So recently I’ve become a therapist type person for all my friends and their issues. I have no issues with this as I want to help everyone and I’m the type of person to give my shirt off my back to someone. Having gone through leg surgery recently, I felt like they would be there for me when I need people to visit and talk to. The problem is if they come over except for one person l, it’s only for like 10-15 minutes and to have a cigarette before they leave. I’m starting to feel like people only need me when it’s convenient for them and what not. Also recently I went out to lunch with another guy I’ve been friends with since 06 and he tried guilt tripping me because I couldn’t buy him lunch when I barely had any money. If I cut them out my life then I have two people to do things with but I’ll feel like an asshole, and I’m not sure that’s the route to go.
I’m sorry you are not doing well. We have dealt with those problems differently with people only need us when they want something. We want deep, personal friendships. How do we do that? I don’t know. I am still trying to figure it out. Have you thought about talking to your friends? Do you want to be honest about what it is going on with your life? The choice is yours. I believe you will make a good choice.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s tough. My mom is the same way, and I am too to an extent. My mom specifically though has gone to extremes in helping people to the point where she loses the strength to even do so. Not having money to pay for his lunch is fair, and you may not think this way, but to me it almost seems like a metaphor for helping people so much that you are losing emotional resources to help them with. I know your life isn’t some fictional story but that’s just kind of the way I think about things.
Regardless, it is always a good idea to help yourself before helping others. This goes back to what they say on an airplane, to always put on your oxygen mask before helping others put on theirs—even children. You need to help yourself and get yourself to a healthy place before you can fully be there for others. I’m not saying you aren’t in a healthy place, but giving of yourself to others like this constantly can cause that kind of effect. I’ve seen that in my mom.
As far as getting past this, you might have to be honest with people and say you don’t have the energy to do this or that, that you have to take time for yourself, etc. Also if people are consistently hurting you or making you feel unloved, they don’t need to be your best friends. I’m grateful that you have those two people you mentioned, so that you know for a fact there are people out there who care like they do. It’s okay to cut people out of your life sometimes, although it can be hard, especially if they are not in a healthy place. But like I said, you need to take care of yourself first. If helping them less is what you need, then try that. Maybe you’ll need to talk to one of those two close friends and see what their insight is to get some space from people without feeling like you’re giving up on them.
It really is a tough situation, and I don’t have all the answers. I am hoping that a solution to this works out. Just please remember that taking care of yourself is really important, and you can’t help others if you aren’t helping yourself. It’s wonderful that you help people this much, but don’t forget that you are one of those people you need to help.
Never lend money out to friends especially if they have a tendency to ask more than once. If you end up doing it and they don’t return the favor within towo weeks or pay you back then write off giving them anything for the rest of their lives.
As for writing them off I say weigh your relationship. If it is 100% you doing for them and you get nothing in return then write them off. They’re leeches and are only using you for whatever it is. Best to find some one where you at least get something out of it that doesn’t cost you.
I am the same way wanting to do the right thing and be there yet no one wants to be there when I need help. It is something that I have struggled with and have learned to cut certain people out of my life. You are not an asshole you are trying to take care of yourself and your needs. While you are in recovery maybe reach out to someone you haven’t talked to in awhile and see if maybe they might want to hang out or research things that you are into maybe see if there is an event that you can meet people. Also talk to your current friends and find out what is going on and see why they are not there.
Hey,
I had leg surgery last year too! And people were the same way. Almost no one I was “friends” with even came to visit me. It got very depressing. I am sorry friend. It sucks to feel like that and trust me I know how horribly taxing leg surgery is on you mentally.
Holly