Yesterday my dad once again sent me into a hole of self hate and I was the angriest that I have been in a long time.
I get it. I should try harder to not care what he says, but I can only take so much. The constant poking at my temper. Just him being home or being around me gives me anxiety and I can’t handle it.
I hate being home alone with him. Somehow I’m the one who gets stuck at home alone with him to help with whatever he decides to do that day. I’m the one always doing things. Laundry, dishes, vacuuming, dusting, everything. My mom helps yes but she also has her issues with her head. She has had a migraine constantly for the past three weeks and every time my dad just won’t shut up it makes it worse for her.
My dad doesn’t know when to stop talking. He pokes and prods and it gets so frustrating. He holds so much over my head like how my dad and mom raised my sister and I so I need to do everything I say, I need to do all the things around the house, I need to buy my own food, I need to help with groceries since I have a job now… where was all that when my sister was my age? Nonexistent. Now I just recently getting a job my dad thinks I can pay for everything.
I’m not trying to live in this house until I’m 21 like my sister. I’m not trying to get into debt just because he thinks I should be able to pay and pay and pay for everything.
A few years ago I wanted to give my parents everything just to show how much I love them and now I don’t feel that anymore.
I don’t care about it.
I just want to get out of this house. I just want to be alone honestly.
My sister gets to escape the madness to her boyfriends house and I’m always here. I try to go out but it’s no I need your help.
My mom says “we all just deal with it” well I’m freaking sick of dealing with it. I’m so fucking sick of it.
I would rather die than keep living in this stupid story. I’m so sick of just dealing with it.
Lys. I love you. Your anxiety is not an overreaction. You are a beautiful loving person. You will be free from it all soon. Don’t end it yet. We are here. Love you.
Sounds like a lot of pressure! Between your dad not letting you be, to the quiet worry about your mom, to the resentment that you get different treatment than your sister did, it all piles up.
I’m going to assume the job is outside of the house? Sometimes leaving a little earlier than you need to can make a huge difference. Making room for yourself and breathing is important.
A trick I found dealing with my own family was to find ways to say “Yes, and”
“Yes, I’m going out for a bit AND I’ll finish up the bathroom when I get back.”
I also try to see the good in what I’m learning, even if it’s taught … awkwardly.
Buying your own food while you’re also doing everyone’s tasks brings a lot of resentment over time, but there are a couple good things to squeeze out of this: you can choose what you get to eat, that can be huge. You can get comfort food, you can try different types of food.
In some bizarre way they’re also teaching you what it’s like to have a roommate and living away from them. There’s always some dumb cost that pops up, in some ways the most spending money you get is in your teens. I really wish that was different, especially in the US.
There is a slight safety net there for you while you live there, though you probably want to run away as fast as possible. Completely understandable.
Things will change, there may even be a time when you look back at this chaotic mess and have a bit of nostalgia.
Do what you can, take care of yourself, and remember you’re loved here.
Tell your friends this. See if they can help you convince your parents that you need some alone time. (If they’re willing to help.) If necessary talk to your parents about how you feel. (If your friends fail at convincing your parents then hopefully they can drag their parents into it. What I mean have your friends show up telling your parents they need you and plan on doing something. If this don’t convince them then have their parents get involved by making plans for you. I’m sure if you guys can coordinate that you’ll find a day or two out of the week to get you some alone time.)
Lys, friendship, I love you… I can say that a million times, and I do and I hope that you believe it to be true! You are so loved and you are such a valuable member of this community, and honestly even specifically me I don’t know what I do without you! You’re not alone. Never feel like your feelings are wrong or and over reaction, they’re not! Love you friend!