I have always wanted to share something with the HS community because everyone is always so vulnerable, honest, and willing to share the burdens they carry and the struggles they have. I’ve wanted to be vulnerable before, but every time I went to go write on the wall, it just felt like it should be something that I should handle by myself or keep to myself. However, very recently push came to shove and I came face to face with who I am. I broke up with my on/off girlfriend again… and it was very evident that it would be the last time. As you can probably tell, this has been a messy relationship. I’ve hurt her time and time again over the last few months emotionally, and she kept forgiving me- she’s always seen the best in me, even when I didn’t deserve it. But there were many things about the relationship that caused me panic and stressed me out that I couldn’t deal with.
It’s hard to explain everything, but one reason is that my mental health has been on the decline and I’m certain that my impact in her life hasn’t been positive for her mental wellbeing either. Me being hot and cold towards her has broken her time and time again, and I can barely look myself in the mirror. Also, another reason I let her go is because it seemed as though I was the only one grounding her, or her only hope in some ways… and it didn’t seem healthy. Yet, the way I broke up with her was tactless and put her in a bad position… I had left her crying in the middle of the night, pulled over on the side of the road. I could only pray for her safety, and now when I drive at night, all I can think about is how I left her and what terrible person I am for doing that to someone I love. I remember her telling me that I don’t, but I do, I really do. I’m just exhausted and I’m so tired. Please don’t judge me- it’s just been hard. I feel guilty for even feeling hurt and heartbroken, when it was me that broke up with her.
I’m not looking for sympathy, but I just wanted to be honest with you guys. I feel horrible and it simply isn’t wise to contact her now or in this season of life to apologize. I know I don’t deserve forgiveness from her, but yeah. This is just something I wanted to share, and I have a hard time believing that I deserve to get better from my recently diagnosed depression and anxiety now. This isn’t the person I want to be, especially someone who’s supposed to be a “Christian” but absolutely destroyed someone in the process.
In any case, if you’ve read this far, thank you. (I’m sorry this is so much longer than I had originally intended).
My last post was an essay… this seems an average size. Never feel you are undeserving of forgiveness, healing nor love. The depression and anxiety was probably making the relationship difficult. Don’t be so hard on yourself and it’s ok to not reach out to her right now but I think you’d benefit from writing out what you feel just to repent and let it go. We are not perfect, there is always forgiveness and I hope she made it home alright the night you left her. Wash yourself of the hurt you’ve caused and change from today move forward. Guilt will only make things worse at least you feel remorse. The person who hurt me most in my life felt no remorse for what they did to me and my family and acted like it was all nothing… Love yourself and let forgiveness restore you, it can be the first step to healing. I’m so sorry that you and your gf have gone through all this.
Alex. We are not here to judge you. That is not what happens here. You breaking up with your ex doesn’t make you a terrible person. You have to put yourself first and take care of yourself. Ok so the way you left her wasn’t the way you would want to be left either. However, just remember there will have been SOMEONE that she was able to call. Use these experiences and learn from them. Making a mistake doesn’t make you a horrible person and doesn’t make you any less worthy of being free of judgement. Stay strong.
Thank you @RainLuver and @Kayla for your kind responses, compassion, and support. Yes, I did write out everything that I felt in what happened, hoping that it would be a first step to help me move forward and feel the pain of having hurt someone- there can be no excuses. Honestly, just thank you for both of your kindness towards me, even after I’ve done something like this. I am deeply grateful for this community and I want to be a better human.
Hey Alex,
Before I start to replying to your post, I just wanna say I am not going to judge (I hope you know that already ). But I will say if you think it was the right decision than it was. You can’t be in a “toxic” (I don’t know the situation of course) relationship, I mean for yourself and for your partner. So I think you did the right thing, but I do understand why you are torn up atm. You did leave her on a road crying, but you could of done that anywhere. So what I’m trying to say is if it’s gonna happen than it will, it could of happen anywhere. So don’t worry about that, I know it’s easy to say and hard to put into practise. So my advice is stay strong and just try to stay positive, I don’t think you can fix this issue quickly. But I know you will be able to manage to sort it out however long it takes, even if that take years.
Stay strong, Joe
Hey Joe, thank you so much for your love and support friend- honestly appreciate you and your thoughts so much. Yeah, hopefully I’ll be able to sort it out with time and understanding more what’s going on in my mind and heart. Simply glad to be holding fast with you.
I am currently in the same position. Hot and cold to my boyfriend but I can’t lose him and I won’t. He is this kind spirited human that I know I’ll never find again. I’ve relzied I needed to change the way i take my anxiety out on only him. I need my healthy hobbies back!!
I hope you can began to forgive yourself. I know you have this horrible pain weighting thing inside your chest that hurts so bad. We beileve in you and it’s going to get better with time.
I love how it sounds like you have a big heart for other people, and how you genuinely care for the well-being for other people. I recently went through something similar (being in your shoes), and although it’s very raw for you now, know that time heals most of what you’re feeling. Around last January, I decided to end things with my girlfriend. About a week prior, I was the reason for her first massive panic attack (when I insinuated that I wasn’t happy with where the relationship was headed). When I broke up with her, she was sobbing uncontrollably. A few days later, I broke down crying in my car, swearing that I would never do that to a girl ever again. I felt so guilty; such a burden. Fast-forward 5 months, and although I still care for her well-being, those raw emotions of sadness have subsided for the most part. Hang in there! You got this!
Wow, it’s honestly so amazing to meet someone who’s really been in the same position. Thank you for sharing your heart and experiences with me. This is pretty much exactly the situation- just remembering what/how I’ve done it and creating more distress for her, messing up her mental health more, and then breaking down at random times during the day. Truly, thank you for your vulnerability and just the love and hope.
Alex, I loved someone for a couple of decades who ran hot and cold with me, left me and ghosted me several times, left me once after I’d driven 9 hours to visit him (and as I drove back to where I’d come from, told me to ‘lose his number.’), and finally left me over the phone after he’d met someone the day before who he ended up dating for three months - until SHE left him.
In spite of everything he’s put me through, I could forgive it all. I could heal from it more quickly, if he had just shown remorse. If he had been honest about his actions to me and to others, if he’d not thrown me under the bus to make himself look good - then I could forgive. I will have a broken heart for a very, very long time because he isn’t sorry for what he did, he has no remorse.
Therein lies the key difference between him and you.
YOU are genuinely sorry, you have genuine remorse. You acknowledge issues you’re dealing with that may have contributed to the break-up, and while you may have done the right thing in ending the relationship, just the fact that you’re not blaming her or rewriting history says so much about your kind heart and strong character.
If I had hurt people the many ways my ex hurt me, I don’t think I could go on. I have no understanding of remorseless people.
There will come a day when you will be able to reach out to your ex and share with her your deep remorse. Until then, be kind to yourself and use the remorse you feel as a life lesson that will guide you in your next relationship(s).
). But I will say if you think it was the right decision than it was. You can’t be in a “toxic” (I don’t know the situation of course) relationship, I mean for yourself and for your partner. So I think you did the right thing, but I do understand why you are torn up atm. You did leave her on a road crying, but you could of done that anywhere. So what I’m trying to say is if it’s gonna happen than it will, it could of happen anywhere. So don’t worry about that, I know it’s easy to say and hard to put into practise. So my advice is stay strong and just try to stay positive, I don’t think you can fix this issue quickly. But I know you will be able to manage to sort it out however long it takes, even if that take years.