I’ve been a bit worse off lately. I can feel the sadness, insecurity, fear come creeping in. It’s so hard to communicate, to talk about the things inside that burn and hurt.
I always feel so vulnerable when I try and I hate that feeling. I can talk to people and I can make jokes and keep a conversation up but I never let anyone in. I talk, but I don’t let them in. Whenever someone asks about how I am, I divert it, make some witty comment that makes everyone laugh and forget about me. I’ve always been good at acting.
I find it easier for other people to reach out, but I want to be able to reach out on my own. And it’s hard. I feel like an attention seeker, hoping someone will notice maybe offer advice. But I don’t even let them get too close. It’s too much of a threat.
I’ve had this logical bit of me that’s all tactical for a while now. I feel like I’m assessing threats, looking for agendas, wondering what to say to seem threatening in case. I have violent urges sometimes, which you wouldn’t guess because I’m quiet.
I’ve been itching for a physical fight today, someone to claw and punch at, but I restrain myself because I can’t worry my parents they’ll yell, take away my music, idk, but also I know it’s not good for me.
I know how to fight for my life. What I can’t get is how to let others in to try to help me.
But I want to talk to my family. I don’t want to be this person who’s hiding all the time. I feel like I’m fighting myself, when it would be much more easier to fight someone else, verbally or physically.
Everytime someone in my family talks to me about my problems, I have to repeatedly tear down the wall, try to open up and listen.
And you might say, well tell them about this, I can’t. It’s awkward, I don’t want to be different, I want to be accepted, I want to be strong and supportive, I just feel like a egotistical attention seeker.
Hi BVB,
I’m new here. I may not have the answer you are looking for or others would choose to leave… or what you will be happy with. I’m going to assume you are a teen. I was a mess as a teen, and quiet as well. I went down to the local church one day and sat there until the pastor came out and I was able to talk to him for a really long time and I started to find that therapy was the best thing ever. Are you in therapy? Is this something that you can talk about with your family, that you’d like a talking doctor?
I hope this helps, at least a little. Big hugs to you.
XOX Laura
Ive never gone to therapy. I don’t want to. I don’t want to be seen as someone with issues. My family probably wouldn’t want to either. We prefer to fix things with each other. But thanks for replying Laura. It’s nice to know someone who cares
@Bvblover16 you are not alone in this. you reached out on here and that’s a pretty great step! You’re already taking action and looking for ways to heal and grow and I commend you for that.
I know reaching out and talking to people can be scary, especially if you’ve done that in the past and it hasn’t gone well. But I think if you look for signs of who you can talk to, you’ll notice a few people around you who are willing to help and listen. It doesn’t make you an attention seeker. It might be really terrifying to talk to someone about how you’re feeling but I believe that you have the bravery and strength to do it. and the next time will be a little less scary, and so on.
Thanks for sharing