Could there be anything worse?

I woke up recently and asked myself what’s worse? Being in a loveless marriage where there’s been no compassion, passion or intimacy for 8 years out of 18 or being the victim of domestic violence by the person you married. Then I realized it doesn’t really matter because I live with both.
There’s nothing worse than being stuck in a life where you’re lonely in your marriage and also having to suffer through the controlling, demeaning and ugliness of domestic violence. I have grown to hate the man I once loved. I know he will never let me leave. He has all but ensured that by controlling all the money. I don’t even get an allowance. All purchases are made with his approval and him standing there. He tracked my every move, stalked me and showed up unannounced where I was so much it became safer and better just to stay home. I’m isolated from everyone and everything. He pushed away all my friends by being rude and nasty to them all but ensuring no one can help me. I secretly scrape loose change and play the $1.00 lottery once a month hoping and praying I’d win and be able to flee. Although I know if I ever had money and tried to leave he’d kill me. He carries his guns all the time. I can’t call the police because he is the police and has convinced all his friends on the department that I am unstable to make sure they wouldn’t believe me. I’ve tried to raise money but he monitors my every move. He checks my phone (thank goodness this is Anonymous and I’m online through Tor). There’s a tracker on my car.
I know now I’ll only be free after I die or he does. By then I’ll be an old lady with nothing but regret. He’s convinced me I’m old, unattractive and no man would want me. He always says, “No man wants a woman in her mid 40s, they look for young beautiful women.”
It feels good venting even if nobody else ever sees this. I look forward to my dreams of a better life.

3 Likes

Sharknado, First, a big hug. I am so sorry you are going through all this. This is a lot to take on and live with day in and day out. No one should have to live like this. Do you work outside the home? Is there a way you could drive to a women’s shelter/domestic abuse shelter before or after work, tell them what is going on, and seek temporary shelter and help there? That way you could drive there during hours where he wouldn’t suspect you were off somewhere else. If you felt it safer to do before work, if you have a halfway decent employer, I’m thinking they would understand why you were late (or perhaps call them and explain beforehand). Or you could go there after work. Or, is there a friend whose phone you could use to call the domestic abuse shelter (so he couldn’t track your call) and make arrangements for help that way? I so hope you can find a way to seek safety. You are worth so much more than the way he is treating you!

I am glad that you had a way to share. I am sorry to hear that you are feeling trapped in this terrible cycle. It is definitely not OK to be treated this way. You deserve so much better than this relationship. You are valuable and your life and your safety matter. Do not give up hope of a better life :heart: