Hello everyone, looking for advice here, any kind of help would be appreciated.
I don’t consider myself to have depression, but i think maybe in the past i might have suffered it and i think it left it’s damage on me. I live a fair not-stressed life, i’m pretty much a “go with the flow” kinda person, i try not to care too much for things. I exercise daily, also i dance a lot as a hobby i adopted about two years ago. I also started meditating this year which i think it has been amazing cuz it’s given me this self awareness to tackle what i think my problems are. Also i joined this forum plus a FB support group for people going trough hard shit and stuff, same as this forum. Also i sometimes comeback to this youtube channel of Noah Elkrief who i’ve been watching from one year, i think his ideas and perspectives have impacted me very strongly and i highly recommend watching him with an open mind. So anyone would think that i’m doing fine right? i seem to be a normal dude with an average life doing ok… but i have this feeling of disconnection with other people, like i never really click with them, and there is this other feeling of "just stay locked in your room killing time or playing video games and forget about the world " you know? but i don’t wanna do that, so i try and go out and do stuff, for example i have to go practice soon for a presentation we are having in july but i feel like i’m doing it because yes, like i have no joy doing it and it’s so tiresome but staying home and doing nothing i know it’s not the solution. Just to want to find that joy of being alive, you know?..
Oh man, the bittersweet of this can be the worst part…feeling like you’re doing all of this stuff to better your life, you’re a part of groups that are supportive, you’re trying to learn how to take care of your body and have joy, how to be more present and mindful, how to handle the emotions that you’re dealing with…and then to, after all of that, feel more clueless as to why life feels so numb and empty can be the most discouraging part of it all…
But dude this is SOOOOO relatable…feeling like you’re making progress, making progress, making progress, and then BOOM, you hit this wall that you literally don’t know how to get around, over, or through. Doesn’t make it any less of a struggle for you right now, but I do want you to know: I think this obstacle is here for your good.
Recently I hit an obstacle in my recovery – I’m in the process of overcoming my addiction to porn. I’ve been in recovery for a long time, and an “intense season” of focusing on my recovery for over a year now. At the turn of the year, I started to feel really discouraged – like I just couldn’t figure out how to move forward. I’d just committed a full year of my life to digging deeper (and I made tons of progress), but still at the end I did not have an extended period of sobriety to show for it. In the midst of that frustration, I’d been praying that God would help me take the next cut at this, and he led me to actually stopping trying so hard…as my wife puts it…“having more fun”, ha. So I let go of all of my recovery habits, and I just allowed myself to try something different (ie not trying so hard). Then, I got this gift of free counseling, and it’s been rocking my world…and I got the opportunity to lead this recovery group with my best friend, and it’s been taking me to that deeper cut…I’m finding breakthroughs, and I’m going deeper than I’ve ever gone, going over and around and through places I’d previously been stuck…the obstacle itself opened me up to a new path, and I experienced a burst of growth by being open to the process of being stuck and allowing God to help me get unstuck instead of trying to engineer myself out.
Whatever you believe in isn’t the focus here – the point I’m making by sharing my story is that when I faced a similar period of obstacle, it was a blessing because it shook me from my comfort zone and brought me to a deeper place of growth, that required something different from me in order to grow…but by consenting to the process, I was able to experience epic fruit from it.
I think what you’re facing in this process of “self betterment” might be something similar, and in that sense, I’d recommend approaching it with the mindset that “this is a gift that’s trying to teach me something more than I know right now”, and just be curious with it…be open to whatever might take you deeper, take you a different path, and be open to the adventure.
Hope this helps, and hope the journey turns to be a great blessing for you!
-Nate
Hey Nate, thank you so much for your reply, i thought this post was so pointless that no one would care to respond.
And yes i am in the ‘wall’, this past weeks i’ve been feeling sad, angry, confused, insecure… ffs i thought i was gonna burst into tears this morning in the gym, i felt inside of me: the need to do it and how it would make me feel better of i don’t know what. But i hold my shit… Same on monday, my dance aprtner for the coreography broke my glasses by mistake, and it triggered some kind of spiral of everything is shit… I managed to hold my shit again returned to the class but i raised i wall between me and her because i wanted to protect her from my anger, i knew i wasn’t in the best place at that moment so i pushed her away. We are good now, but just wanted to share that story, vent it.
To continue with what you said, I thought exactly that, that i took step backwards, but how, when? i despise the idea of seeing myself as a depressed person, and i apologize to everyone who suffers from it because i might being petty about it, but i think that if i state “i have depression” i will take advantage of it, i will use it as a shield and build an identity out of it, in other words i’ll make it part of me and be cool about it, you know what i mean?
I am rambling now and idk exactly where i am going as i lost complete focus of what i am doing. This is very common in me.
I was just now laying in my room listening to the youtube guy i mentioned before while trying to heal my back from a little injury i suffered this past sunday. I was listening to him hoping to find something, anything to “feel better” but idk man, keep feeling the same. But your reply instantly made my eyes misty, i am truly grateful for you understanding me, taking the time to share your experience and giving me a couple of advices, i’ll keep my head up.
Especially in this time of year I am finding it difficult to continue to progress. There is one thing that sticks out to me about almost every post I’ve seen like this (including my own from a while back)… its always something around the lines of not feeling like you have depression but feeling unmotivated. That’s practically the definition of Acedia, Depression’s little cousin. Sledge wrote a pretty brilliant article about it and I feel like this may help you understand yourself a bit more. https://blog.heartsupport.com/you-might-not-actually-be-struggling-with-depression-8ce57ab41f66
The best thing to start to tackle this is baby steps. You may think that playing games is a negative thing in your case but you’re keeping yourself busy. You may thing your disconnect with people hinders your relationship with them but what you’re doing is going out and trying. These victories are so important to realize and so many people overlook them. You’ve got this my friend, best of luck and hold fast!
We’re always here for you.
Thank you Ethan.
I’ve never heard before of Acedia, i’ll look into it. I do feel terrible sad, this morning, just 2 hours ago after i finished with house stuff and my breakfast, i locked in my room, played some music and instantly tears started flowing trough my eyes, i just let it all out and didn’t hold a bit, i couldn’t understand why it was happening and it was confusing but i just let it happen, as something my body needed to do long ago i was refusing it to do it.
I’ve been researching online this past days about somatic experiencing, as i think within my past are some answers could help me feel better. I sure will keep walking forward with all the tools i have been handed, thank you so much for your contribution <3
Yeah man so glad you could get it off your chest. You’re not crazy for not wanting the label of “depression” – I don’t want it either…I think it can be liberating for some to be able to name what’s going on inside of them…for others it can be debilitating because it says something to the soul along the lines of “you can’t be fixed, this is who you are”…and that can be crippling! It makes sense that you’d want to work on the emotional systems that create “depressive effects” instead of focusing on whether or not it is “depression”.
You’re also not crazy for throwing up walls with that gal…one of my friends can handle a lot of defeat or disappointment, but when something little happens, it tips the scales and breaks the dam…sometimes it’s the little things that are just small enough to cause the cracks in our walls and bursts the anger free-flowing. Especially when you’ve been holding things back for a while, it can be the little things that feel unbearable to hold because it’s not worth your time swallowing that small of a pill.
Anyways, happy I could offer an ear to hear. Where you’re at makes sense, brother. You’re not alone. Thanks for journeying with us.