Do I Even Belong Here Anymore

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I don’t really have the words to say to make this post so I’'m just going to take a few minutes to ramble about how my past two or three months have been. School started back up, the first month was great. I felt motivated and I was like I can do this, and well since then everything has gone down hill since then. I don’t really have the words to say to explain anything, explain my feelings, or why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. But here goes nothing.

I started my internship a few weeks into school and I absolutely loved it, I felt like I had value on earth because I was helping people at a domestic abuse/sexual abuse shelter, and I felt important and needed.It was emotionally tough but it was good. It made me feel good. But I had to walk away from it. I was sick for a week and a half, and it was rough. I was missing class and got behind, and I once again lost all motivation.

Well then as some of you know I started working out, which in theory sounds great but it’s actually quite awful for me. It turned into me not eating, working out way too much (overworking myself too soon), and it became an unhealthy addiction of me trying to drop a lot of weight in a small amount of time in a very unhealthy way. Well I got caught up with this guy… surprise surprise right? And this is what this lead to. I was focused on him and what he wanted out of me. We talked all the time, I would send him all my workout pics and improvement pics, just because he liked working out and I just wanted to be good enough for him. And well guess what… once again I fell short, just like I always do in life. I’m never good enough for anyone or anything. He left yesterday, blocked me, banned me from his discord and that’s it.

So now i’m here sitting and wondering and questioning all my self worth and why I’m still here. I’m behind in school, and there’s honestly no way for me to get caught back up, so I might as well just give up. The only way I can get caught back up is if someone is willing to help me. And I’m too afraid to ask because then I feel stupid, and like I feel like I should be able to do this on my own.

I have so many questions that I need answers to… some I feel like I’ll never have answers too? Why can’t I just be okay? Why can’t I feel happy in my own skin? Why do I never feel safe? I’m pretty much constantly in a panic attack because I don’t feel safe. Not because I always feel like I’m in physical danger, but sometimes because i wonder how much people know, if they are judging me, and I can’t handle it. I can’t even handle my thoughts, that now I drown them… but I drown them in alcohol. I’ve started drinking a lot, so I don’t have to feel, which has gotten me farther behind in school, and has put my job on the line because well I’m calling into work all the time, because I can’t handle anything.

Yesterday I was sitting in the library when my “ex friend” blocked me and banned me from his discord and to me it was the end of the world. I can see the bridge across the way, and my first thought was there it is, it’s the end. This is over, I’m not needed anymore. Then I get sent screenshots by someone else in the discord of him saying he wouldn’t care if I ended my life etc, and it killed me because he knew how much I was hurting, and how much him leaving would hurt me. But it doesn’t matter.

So what do I do? Do I distance myself from everyone and try to figure this out on my own? I’ve been self harming a lot. For those of you who don’t know I work at McDonalds, and when I find myself getting upset I just burn myself on purpose, because it takes my mind off the emotional pain. People see it as an accident, and I just say it was an accident and nobody catches on. I don’t want this life anymore. I don’t want the constant pain, the being alone, it’s just too much. But here I am broken, coming back to the only safe place I know. Asking for help, answers, support anything.

I’m sorry for ranting and I love you guys. i wish I could be a more valuable member of this community, and not just a burden. But I do love you all, and I hope that you all are doing well. <3

Hold fast… You’re Worth It,
Monkey

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Monkey,

Dear you are NOT a burden and you NEVER WILL BE!

I use caps because Monkey I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and I KNOW SO MANY OTHERS DO TOO.

You DONT deserve to feel this way and I’m sorry that these people are so ignorant of the power of their words and they are so rude. They may be struggling themselves yes but that doesn’t make what they have done to you right.

In my eyes the people who have left you behind and said these terrible disgusting things aren’t people who you need to have in your life.

It’s not right for them to do what they do.

I was in the same place with school senior year. I fell behind so much due to depression and anxiety and I didn’t want to reach out for help; but we have to. We have to reach out- it’s so hard I know, and I know that hearing me say that is probably really frustrating because I’ve been there and friend I know when I heard that all I thought was “but I just can’t”. It’s hard.

Small steps.

Maybe email your teachers first- see what you can do.

You are going to make it Monkey. We are all here to help you.

We love you.

You are not and will never ever be a burden.

I get these thoughts too, and I’ve been right where you are- but Monkey it does get better.

Keep fighting. We believe in you.

Hold fast.

With love,
Lyss (ur pal Blurryface)

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You need to stop being afraid of being alone. This fear is irrational because if you feel alone then you’re going to be feeling alone. You need to find a way to cope with being alone and find a way to fight it.

When I advise people to take some alone time. It is to find their value within themselves. To become independent. Not because Dependency is bad. The reason is if once you’re on your own you are at your end then that is bad. It is not healthy to think you’re worthless because someone else that you depended on decided you’re not worth their time anymore. All this will just lead you down a road of self-destruction.

We’re humans. As a whole we thrive on family, friends & community. I don’t ignore this fact. Yet We’re also survivors. We have the strength to live without each other. We need a healthy assortment of independence to survive.

This is why I advise others to “Accept yourself first” So that “Others can accept you.” That way when you end up being dependent on another being and they decide that you can’t depend on them anymore. It won’t be the end of your world. I know I’ve been there.

It isn’t your failure that your friend cut you off. It is theirs. You’re not at fault.

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Ditto what Lys said, you are certainly not a burden.

I don’t think that’s the key point of what you’re driving at here though, you’re just so desperate to be loved, and it feels like everything in your life tells you that you will never be loved. Not the interests in boys, not your work to improve your body, not your work, not your school – it feels like you’re doomed to always be JUST NOT QUITE ENOUGH to be loved. And you’re sick of it, and you just want to know the answer – what do I need to do to finally be enough?

And home girl, I totally understand that question. I know that question all too well in my own story. I felt from such a young age that I was always going to be a failure, and I was never going to be worthy of love. I felt like accomplishment was the way to prove that, and so I was always fighting to improve and achieve more, but the sick thing was it was still never enough no matter how well I did. At some point after making some major achievements in my life, I realized – look, this can’t be the way…I literally can’t do any better…if doing better is how I earn love, I’m never going to earn it. I’ve tried my best for 25 years, and I’m still not good enough…not even any closer to being good enough…25 more years won’t be the difference, and 25 more still won’t be either.

We’ve been asking the wrong question.

“What will it take for me to be loved?” is the wrong question. You see, if performance dictates your worth, you’ll always find your way back to insecurity.

There’s got to be a better way, and it just depends if you’re open to it or not. For me, I had to find a different way to my worth, and God was my way – because the Gospel says that it’s not what I do that earns me love, it’s what Jesus did that secures it permanently. So now I have confidence that my worth will never change, my worth is in what HE did, as a gift for me, and not what I could ever earn on my own. What a relief, a game-changer that is to when I fail and fall short to always be able to come back to that truth. I am loved. I am enough. I am treasured. I am secure.

The same is true for you, but are you willing to receive it?

And if not, I still challenge you to find a different way, because ultimately performance ==> love is a highway to the grave. You’ll never find love in that journey. Change your path, find what’s always been true about you: you’ve been loved all along.

-Nate

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you’re not a burden, it’s always good to see you (missed you, btw). you are loved, and things can get better. one at a time, at whatever pace they take, but they can. and we’ll be with you through this.

Hold fast… You’re Worth It, Monkey (yes, this is the most intentional Ctrl+V)

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Hey Monkey,

Youre so strong for saying anything and letting all of us in. Thank you. And I personally am so glad youre still here.

During our stream we have a Topic of The Stream which we pull from this very support wall. And yours got a lot of us talking. I gave my perspective, and i hope it helps. Youre DEFINITELY not alone in your sentiments.

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My heart hurts for you, my friend. I know how it feels like to feel like you don’t have any self-control. Alcohol and hurting yourself is not always going to work or be there for you. These people you talk about, they are not worth your time. The world is full of bad and good and in-between people. Move on, and I have hope you can find people who treat you better. You are needed for your own life, for yourself. Giving up isn’t the inevitable thing, it’s a choice. If you really want to catch up, you have to ask someone for help. And I get it, you feel like you shouldn’t be. But we all fall down sometimes. It isn’t as bad as it seems to ask someone for help, that’s your brain overthinking. And 10 years from now, when you are successful and more happy, you won’t care about that one time you had to ask someone for help because you fell behind. Work for that future. Find a friend you can trust who can watch for you and make sure your hobbies/habits don’t turn unhealthy.
I believe in you.
You are worth it too.