I’ve been delaying this post for a while because I’m not good at being honest in this way… However, here it is. I’m starting to feel like more of a drain on this community and all of you than anything else. I feel as if I’m doing more harm than good at this point, but… This is my last ditch attempt to truly battle my feelings of being alone. I really don’t know what more I can do, I can’t keep going on like this. I can feel myself starting to isolate from everyone and I no longer have any energy to fight this battle. I know you’re going to say that I’ve been here before and gotten through it each time, but this is different. Each of the previous times I have been pretty hysterical with my mind going crazy, but, right now, I’m just numb. I can think about everything you’re about to read without feeling anything at all. Every night is just endless night terrors. Every day is filled with abuse from my family, suicidal thoughts and justification of why both of those things are acceptable. The constant need to be high/drunk/harming is becoming so overwhelming. I’m in a position now where I just don’t know if I want to be in my recovery anymore, I don’t even know if I want to be alive anymore. Unless I have someone telling me to go and eat or take my medication, I can go days without doing either because I really don’t care for anything that means I’m taking care of myself. I guess you could say I was never taught how to look after myself the way my sisters were, but I’m 22 and should now be able to do the basic things that a human needs to do to function. I just feel so worthless and alone that I don’t see the point. It’s like everyone other than 2 or 3 people that I’ve ever reached out to is just abandoning me now that I need them. It’s as if I’m drowning, fighting to reach the surface but everyone else is just standing by and watching. I should just let myself drown, I’ll never be able to make it all the way out. Even if I do make it back to the surface, I don’t think anyone is going to be there to teach me to swim.
There are only 2 things I can think about right now…
Do I really want recover?
Do I even want to live?
I’m sorry if this is jumbled… I’m so bad at this whole honesty thing.
Kayla