In my last post I gave you guys a lot about my life and how I got to where I am today.
I was doing a lot better for a while. Not great, but better.
I started dating someone else last month and its been great! Hes very supportive and sweet.
I also started a new job and I have been so proud of myself for getting to where I am.
A few days ago was the one year mark of my second sexual assault. It was kind of hard day but I did make it through the day…
Recently though, my family got some not so good news.
My uncle who lives in California got diagnosed with lung cancer two weeks ago. A little over a week ago, we found out it was stage 4. Hes been in the hospital with pancreatitis and his treatments have been postponed but the cancer keeps spreading.
As I mentioned in my last post, I didn’t have a dad growing up. But my uncle was my other father figure besides my grandpa. And now we have no idea how long he’ll be around… it kills me.
Ive been really really emotional and we are going to California this weekend to see him.
I think the hardest part is when/if I got married, I wanted him to walk me down the aisle… but now I have no idea if he’ll even be around for when/if I get engaged… I love this man so much and seeing him sick kills me inside… he doesnt deserve this at all…
Everytime things in life start to go well…something bad happens. Im starting to think that I don’t deserve happiness.
Sorry this post was kinda all over the place… im all over the place emotionally so it’s hard to really share what I’m thinking.
Hey @jacquenicolee,
Sounds like you have had a tough time but you have made some huge positive changes at the same time so first of all take some time out to congratulate yourself because that’s awesome in its own right.
I can tell you from personal experience it does get better but how long it will take is really down to what you are doing to help yourself so you coming on here to talk to everyone is a step in my book so you are already crushing today. I currently am going through a spout of anxiety and depression and the only thing that has helped me so far is talking to heartsupport and trying to establish myself an anchor again just to give myself some mind break where I’m not thinking about everything that has happened relentlessly going over it in my head and I had an hour at my jiu jitsu class last night and that grounded me only for an hour but it does help to have some r&r from it all once in a while!
Also it sounds like your new relationship is doing you wonders and if your partner is helping you and supporting you then do some r&r together if needs be!
You have everyone’s support here no matter what
Power to you
Hey @jacquenicolee,
I’m so sorry to hear about your uncle. I hope your trip to California goes well, given the terrible circumstance.
Everyone deserves happiness. Everyone. It reminds me when someone asks, “Am I a good person?” I would then ask them, “What do you define as ‘good’?” Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Anyway, I’m glad to hear that you found a guy who can be such a positive influence in your life! You know him better than we do, but he seems like someone whom you can lean on in times of difficulty. I would use that to your advantage when you feel like you can’t do life on your own.
I can tell you that it really does get better, it just might take some time. I personally struggle with patience, and I hate it when I go through dark seasons and can’t see the light on the other side of the tunnel (or I can see the light and want the journey to speed up ASAP). 2012 was the worst year of my life, followed by 2013 coming in 2nd place. Unbeknownst to me at the time, 2014 would end up being the best year of my life. For all you know, the best year of your life could be just around the corner, I just need you to hang on a little longer. You’re strong. Thank you for reaching out! Please keep us updated.
-Eric
I always think its getting better and then out of no where its not.
2010 and 2011 were really hard years, 2012 wasnt the worst but wasnt good, 2013 to 2015 was okay, but during that time I was in a very toxic relationship and I never realized how toxic it was. 2016 to now have been consecutively bad. Like it feels like I finally start picking myself back up from the last bad thing just for something else to knock me right back down again.
He’s honestly amazing. We both never dated again after our previous relationships. Its been longer for him than me but I think we both needed eachother. Our relationships both fucked us up pretty bad and now we’re together and very happy that we ended up with eachother. Like if theres anything going for me right now, its him. Im very blessed and happy to have him by my side. He has seen me breakdown multiple times in one day already so thats a good sign!
That means a lot to me. Its really hard thinking about the fact that in a year he may not be here anymore… he’s honestly a dad to me and growing up without one and losing my grandpa during 5th grade was hard enough…now him? I dont get it.
Its been a really hard two years. Im not sure if you saw my other post but the last two years have been the hardest two years of my life. It just feels like I get up just to be sucked further down into a black hole.
I appreciate the kind words and the positive thoughts. Im trying my hardest to be positive. And after a good day, i always try to think the next day will be better but some days are worse and the next day is even harder.
I want to say things will get better but my ongoing depression and anxiety make it very hard.
Im very grateful my boyfriend has been as supportive and sweet as he’s been. He’s the greatest thing that has happened in a long time (besides my sweet nieces) but it does scare me that maybe it wont last. It does seem like its going well though so thats all that matters!
@jacquennicolee,
It seems there are some positives in your life. And I will tell you this. It does get better. As a guy I always get stereotyped as the strong one when in reality I’m just human and I’ve been through the same stuff as you have. I helped out my girlfriend when her dad was going through cancer. He had stage four cancer just like your uncle.
It was a journey for her. She struggled but she is now on her way back to where she wants to be. I’ve been in some rough patches lately as well and to see the struggle you are having reminds me of me. I’ve had a lot of death recently, close friends dying, etc. The thing I keep reminding myself is that despite everything I’m seeing around me I remember that it’s better to stay strong for those around you. Whomever is with you they can help you be strong in this time.
You aren’t alone and you have people who care about you.
Hold Fast, Stay Strong,
PMacDanceDude (Patrick) Team Out of the Ashes