Everything is neutral

So, hey, you guys know me as Apex, but my name is actually Alexandra.

I never really wanted to post anything here in fear of, I guess my problems not being problems enough but, I just don’t know where to really turn at this point.

To keep a very long story as short as possible, I have, for years now struggled with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. On top of that I was diagnosed with MS a couple years back (I am 23, was diagnosed at 19 and things were’nt pretty). I have tried to take my life several times, to no success. I can say that I have been “clean” of cutting for around 4 years now, which I am proud of. I also handle the MS pretty well.

But the real problem lies in my past. My parents never really took care of me in any way, and my mom was a drunk and abused me psychologically for years. I was also raped by the age of 12 by someone I thought was my friend back then. Again, I’m trying to keep this as short as possible, but the point is, I trust no one. Not even my best friends to be honest. It takes so little to make me question someones motives or actions against me, I constantly analyze everything and everyone around me just to make sure I’m “safe”. It’s exhausting, but I can’t turn it off. Yes, I do go to therapy, but it doesn’t seem to help that much, and I refuse meds. When feelings like these come over me everything just kinda turns neutral, I just don’t care, even though I do, if that makes sense?

The main problem right now is though that, here in Norway, where I live, we have this thing called the, I guess “dark times”, we have 2-3 months were there is little to no sunlight, and I dread it every year. I am depressed enough as it is but when the sun disappears, so does my will to try to keep myself up and running. I shut myself in, I don’t leave the house and I just want it to end. At the same time, I feel empty, I feel sad and angry for everything that has happened and that I can’t seem to “get over it”. All this boils down to me wishing a truck would just run me over tomorrow. Thankfully guns aren’t as easy to come by here as they are in the US, else I wouldn’t be here anymore.

I don’t know where this post was supposed to go, it’s just when the darkness comes over northern norway, anything that makes me, me, disappears and I can feel it disappear. I don’t know how to get out of this or what to do about it, when all I want to do is just, not be here anymore.

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Heyo,
First, even if you feel your problems are trivial, there is no shame in asking for support.
Next, continue going to therapy, even if you feel it isn’t helping it is better than dealing with your thoughts alone.
I’ve never experienced 2-3 months of little to know sunlight, so I don’t have any insights about that, but something I do know is that support systems are major protective factors against depression and anxiety. I’m not a therapist, so I’m very apprehensive about giving advice around mental illness. But, if you do want my advice, find someone whom you can trust, someone you know will not judge you is incredibly important. Even if it is just your therapist, having someone to talk to, who you know is going to listen without judgement can make a huge difference. Try to teach yourself that it is okay to trust people again. Hell, you started this post by giving out your first name, that’s a start. You may not feel it, but if you take baby steps toward trusting certain people, you will find it easier to open up to them.
And when you do find that one person you can completely trust, don’t be afraid to seek out their support when you’re feeling low.