So, hey, you guys know me as Apex, but my name is actually Alexandra.
I never really wanted to post anything here in fear of, I guess my problems not being problems enough but, I just don’t know where to really turn at this point.
To keep a very long story as short as possible, I have, for years now struggled with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. On top of that I was diagnosed with MS a couple years back (I am 23, was diagnosed at 19 and things were’nt pretty). I have tried to take my life several times, to no success. I can say that I have been “clean” of cutting for around 4 years now, which I am proud of. I also handle the MS pretty well.
But the real problem lies in my past. My parents never really took care of me in any way, and my mom was a drunk and abused me psychologically for years. I was also raped by the age of 12 by someone I thought was my friend back then. Again, I’m trying to keep this as short as possible, but the point is, I trust no one. Not even my best friends to be honest. It takes so little to make me question someones motives or actions against me, I constantly analyze everything and everyone around me just to make sure I’m “safe”. It’s exhausting, but I can’t turn it off. Yes, I do go to therapy, but it doesn’t seem to help that much, and I refuse meds. When feelings like these come over me everything just kinda turns neutral, I just don’t care, even though I do, if that makes sense?
The main problem right now is though that, here in Norway, where I live, we have this thing called the, I guess “dark times”, we have 2-3 months were there is little to no sunlight, and I dread it every year. I am depressed enough as it is but when the sun disappears, so does my will to try to keep myself up and running. I shut myself in, I don’t leave the house and I just want it to end. At the same time, I feel empty, I feel sad and angry for everything that has happened and that I can’t seem to “get over it”. All this boils down to me wishing a truck would just run me over tomorrow. Thankfully guns aren’t as easy to come by here as they are in the US, else I wouldn’t be here anymore.
I don’t know where this post was supposed to go, it’s just when the darkness comes over northern norway, anything that makes me, me, disappears and I can feel it disappear. I don’t know how to get out of this or what to do about it, when all I want to do is just, not be here anymore.