It’s been a while since my world fell apart. In December last year my fiancee cheated and abandoned me the day before our wedding.
When the wound was fresh I felt like that was my last chance at having the life I wanted, at having a wife and start a family. Felt like that was the end of the line. Thanks to my friends I managed to keep going. Some things have healed, some others haven’t. I have felt ok for the most part for the past 3 months, just focusing on work, getting back to my hobbies and plan some things for this year.
For the past couple of weeks my brain has kept bringing back memories and thoughts of the past, specially negative thoughts about me and about why I was cheated upon and abandoned (even though there was never any explanation for it).
Today I think I have hit rock bottom again, I know I pretty much only have two options: I either give up and stop trying and just live barely floating and letting the current carry me wherever it wants, or I take a stand and fight for my dreams. Problem is I don’t really see the point of trying anymore, I really feel like I don’t have time anymore, I feel tired of trying over and over and over again. I’m 29 which the rational part of me says it’s still ok to find that one person who won’t… be a monster I guess and will actually by some miracle show up on that one special day to say yes at the altar, but the other, dark part of me emphasizes on me being too old and kind of a loser to be able to pull something like that in the next few years.
I feel like even though there’s still an ember of life in me, the darkness is outweighing it and I don’t know what to do. I’m scared and exhausted. I just wanted a family life but it seems like it’s too much to ask for and it kills me.
Edit: I’m still finding support in my friends but they are few and live far away with lives of their own so it’s hard to have a chat nowadays so I’m finding myself on my own for most of the time now
Hey there, let me first just thank you for posting. It’s good that you got this out there for others to read and I’m glad that you’re a part of this community.
Nobody deserves to be cheated on, and the fact that she did that the day before your wedding can only amplify the pain beyond what I can even imagine. I’m sorry that she was in a place where she chose to hurt you in order to find a way out, it shows she was not ready and not mature enough to commit to you; and she needs to work on how she handles things like that. You don’t deserve that kind of treatment, especially from someone you were ready to be with your whole life.
The thing about hitting rock bottom is that there is only a way up friend. I know you’ve been hurt and the wounds are not healed, but know that the way you were treated does not represent how your future wife will treat you. In a relationship; in a marriage you deserve to be treated with love and respect from a wife who can communicate with you. This ordeal doesn’t mean it won’t happen. It will, but take time for yourself. Don’t rush anything, you can do this. And if you ever need a friend, you found a great place to fill that need. Any time you feel like your friends are unavailable, we will be here. You are loved,.
Breaks up are really hard, especially when those you love hurt and betray you. I’m really sorry that happened. I recently went through a divorce. My relationship was very hard and hurtful and I needed to get away from it. It takes time to heal and recover from the hurt in relationships.
I spend years fighting against going to see a therapist. This was due to bad experiences of therapists in the past so I was convinced that they don’t work. But at the start of my divorce and separation I finally decided that I needed someone that I could trust to talk to and guide me along the way. So I sought a therapist. This was such a huge help for me in my journey. I have since lost my health insurance but my adopted dad is going to try to help me pay for a therapist through Better Help. There is a link to that in the Heart Support stream where you can try 7 days for free. Maybe this is something that could help you?
Love is hard. Because in order to find it you have to take a chance and risk getting hurt. Which is not always so easily done. One person maybe have hurt you, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t someone out there for you. It took me many years to get out of my bad relationship and find someone who truly loved me, but I eventually found it. I am almost 34 and not exactly where I had hoped Id be by this age and it took a while to get on a healthy path but it finally happened.
Don’t give up hope my friend. Hang on to those friends that you are close to. Talk to them when you can. Consider getting a therapist if you can. It could be life changing for you. Hold onto the things you have passion for and use those as strength and motivation to keep going. Join a gym! Find a game store that hosts game nights. Anything that might get you out and meeting new people. I know this is also hard sometimes. But you never know when someone may come into your life that you will grow close to.
I hope that you are able to find the things that bring you peace and comfort my friend. And that you can recover from your past hurts. We are here to support you and walk with you along the way.