Just rambling a bit <3
I still struggle to accept love and positivity from people, when I don’t feel like I’ve deserved it. Whether it be compliments, acceptance, or their time by hanging out with me, if I feel like I haven’t done anything special for them to deserve it, I struggle to accept it. It stays in my head and eats away at me. I feel guilty of having people spend their energy on me.
One of the worst ways it affects me and my relationships is that I never ask people to spend time with me, because I feel like I’m difficult and exhausting to be around, and I don’t want to demand that from people I want to keep around. I don’t want them to leave because they get tired of me and because I never do anything for them. And sometimes it comes off to said people as me not wanting to spend time with them. It couldn’t be further from the truth, but I really struggle to bring that up. Even telling someone “hey, if you feel up to it someday and wanna play a game with me, I’d be down” feels like I’m asking too much.
Compliments are still like knives in my chest. While I understand they come from a good place, unless I agree with them (which lets be real, I barely ever do), they hurt. Instead of thinking “okay, this person has this positive opinion of me, I should be happy about it”, it turns into “holy shit I’ve managed to lie and cheat my way into a positive light in this person’s mind, they’re gonna be so hurt and disappointed when they find out how useless and exhausting I actually am, I should’ve never made them like me in the first place, I’m so fucking fake”.
It’s a long process that I have been working on for years already. I’ve learned to accept small compliments on my art - I still wont accept people saying it’s good, but “you’ve gotten better” is now acceptable. I still cant agree with overall compliments on my looks, but “I like your hair!” is nice to hear, cause I like it too. Anything to do with my personality at all tho, and my head goes “nahh, I could be better”.
Long story short, I feel like unless people hate me, they clearly don’t know me at all. And someone trying to tell me they actually like me and enjoy my company, makes me feel two-faced and guilty for tricking people into thinking I’m nice, or lovable, or even acceptable.