Hello, I’m a 25 year old female, I live in Canada and I’ve been struggling with depression for over 5 years now (that I know of, could be longer). But it’s gotten to a point now that I think of suicide almost everyday.
I grew up in a religious household and family and I’ve been struggling with my sexuality (I’m pretty sure I’m bisexual, at least that’s what I tell people). I came out to my mom a few years ago on my birthday, but she didn’t take it very well. She was upset and told my grandmother, who already disagreed with the path in live I was choosing for my career and already strongly disliked me. I wasn’t her “perfect little christen granddaughter” that she wanted. Her hatred for me spread to the rest of my family after coming out, so I had no one. I have no friends, so I was forced out on the streets with a 2 week notice from my mother. At the time, I was still going to college, so financially, I was struggling, I didn’t even have a job at the time. The only income I had was my student loan. I had to live in a very unsafe neighbourhood for a few years. I couldn’t even go outside past dark without risking my life… or worse.
I barely spoke to my mom in these years. But after having to deal with a terrible stalker, I finally reached out to her again. She finally let me come back home, but at a cost. I have to help her with the bills and pay for my own food and other needs. She feels more like a shitty roommate than a mother.
While at college, I was taking 3D animation and graphic design. Finding a job in that field has been a struggle. I work a shitty part-time job, only 3 days a week, where I’m standing for 8 hours straight. I have plantar fasciitis, so working those long hours is tough for me and I always feel like shit physically everyday cause of it. I can’t find a better job and it’s taking a toll on me financially and mentally.
I just recently breakup from a very toxic and abusive long distance relationship 2 weeks ago. Even though he was the worst person sometimes, he was the only person I had to talk too, so I put up with it for so long… And on good days with him, they were the best days for me. He helped me forget my real life.
I have no friends, no family and now no boyfriend… I’m in so much debt, I don’t even know where to begin and I can’t keep up with the payments… I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I’m just a burden to the people around me and even a burden to myself now. I have no place in this world anymore. Nothing worth value. I haven’t done anything with my life yet and I don’t see myself going anywhere. I just don’t see the point. I haven’t even touched art since I graduated, and that was the only thing that kept me going in high school. It only brings me pain and sadness now.
If I die, all this loneliness and pain will go away. My loans will go away and my family won’t have to deal with me anymore. Just a mistake forgotten.