Finally reached my breaking point

I think I have reached my breaking point , and I have had it with me being all depressed trying to save a relationship of 5 years while the other person isn’t putting effort to do the same. I went back to my old ways drinking , and self harm. I’ve been searching for answer in an alcohol bottle. I’ve been crying myself to sleep. I feel alone. I called her last night saying I needed help and wanted to kill myself but she did nothing about , and only said “don’t do it” I was expecting a bit more from somebody who I’ve known for almost 10 years and was/is the love of my life. I wasn’t expecting a message today asking how I was doing. I was expecting an I want to see you message or even call to boost me up, but I guess I was just second best. She has been proving me with actions that she will rather pick somebody who she just met for several months than save somebody who she has known for years. The question is why I’m I still trying? I’ve caught them and she still went after him. She’s been staying at hotels with him , eating dinner , and going to the movies , while she told me she was just at home. I was lied at about everything. Why is it that she is doing me wrong but I feel like I’m the one that needs a to apologize? Why is it that I feel like ending it all when it should be her feeling guilty? Why I’m i depressed and she acts like nothing happen? I’m tired of feeling this way. I had it already. I just want to be happy again. I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of not finding love again. I have tried to move one but everyone just leaves. I’m I not attractive enough? I’m I not good enough? Is that why she picked him over me? I sometimes ask god why is it me? I just really want to be happy. I can’t take disappointment anymore. I just want to be happy! Please.

Erick,

Man it’s a brutal place to want desperately to feel loved by someone, to have them come through for you, to have their love wrap you up when you need it the most, to be cared for and saved and noticed…it feels like you’re suffocating, and like you just want this person to LOOK at you, to care that you feel like you’re dying…but it feels like at every turn, you’re being ignored, you’re being pushed away, you’re being betrayed and abandoned, and you just don’t know what to do…it feels like if this person won’t love me no matter what, what’s the point? This is the best chance I’ve had at love, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get it again, and I don’t know if I want to try if this is how it’s always going to end up. If I’m just going to end up alone and hurt, what’s the point?

I totally get that thought man. I’ve had it myself. I remember scrolling through my phone looking at all of the names of the people in my phone and thinking to myself, “Not a single person here cares about me.” It was a crippling thought. I felt this huge chasm in my chest that could never be filled…just total emptiness and numbness and hopelessness, and I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t want to live a life that was always going to go in the same direction: isolation and depression.

But that’s not the way my story ended up. I had a friend invite me to church to play in their band, and I went because I knew being in a band would get me a better chance at hooking up with girls, and eventually by going over and over again, I found a group of people who cared about me, and I met a God who loved me at my lowest point. Over the next decade, I fought and am still fighting a lot of battles against my addictions, my fears, my selfishness, my loneliness…but it’s completely different today. I don’t go to bed feeling alone. I don’t go to bed feeling worthless. I feel like my life has value and a purpose, like I am loved, like people care, like my life really does have hope.

I say that to tell you that this is not the end of your story, and things can get better.

I think the first step for you is going to be letting go of the hope that this girl is going to solve your problems. It might suck to hear, but I know what it’s like to feel like you’re SCREAMING and have no one hear. It’s like that with this girl – you’re screaming with your pain – LOVE ME – but all she does is turn away and love someone else. And every time you try again and again, you scream a little bit louder, and she does the same…it’s getting worse, and it’s consuming your mind and your heart, and you can’t take her continuing to ignore you like this, and you’re going to do something you regret if you keep trying to convince this girl to love you. It’s just not the way it works. You’ve got to let her go, man. Being alone is way less painful than feeling like you’re at the end of your rope, you’re going crazy, and you’re going to kill yourself. Being alone is actually more hopeful in this case because you have the hope that you’ll meet someone else, you have the hope that you’ll find friends and a significant other that cares…versus with this girl, the hope that she’s going to turn back to you at this point is delusional. She’s moved on, and you know it, it’s just hard to admit because it feels like you’ll have to be alone and being alone is worse than trying to get this girl…but the truth is, you’re MORE alone now than you would be if you just let her go and broke things off completely, broke off all hope and all expectation that she’s ever going to love you or talk to you again. I wouldn’t even leave the door open. Don’t let her come back. Block her number and her social media…it’s just going to be constant reminders of the pain. Cut it off clean and start life anew…go find new friends and new experiences…you can do this man, you’re 100% worthy of love, you’re 100% lovable, and you will find someone who will love you back. But you can’t tether your worth to this girl, because it’s not going to turn out good. Let her go, and let a new chapter in your life begin.

-Nate

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Hello friend,
Thank you so much for sharing your story, that’s really brave.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this friend. The problem is not you and I know that that’s hard to believe but it’s the truth. I know that you’ve put so much work into this relationship, but you feel like it’s just you doing all the work. It almost feels like they don’t care, because they’re not sad about losing you but you are worth so much more than you think. Don’t let another person affect your value and your worth. You are amazing and unfortunately she can’t see that.

I know right now drinking and self harm feel like a release but it’s almost like trying to fix a wound that needs stitches with a band aid. A temporary fix.

Friend you are amazing and You are worth everything.

I’m here for you friend.

Hold fast,
Love Luna :heart:

Erick.You are feeling hurt & lost. You feel desperate and are in despair. I can only give the advice I learned from my own experience. “Learn to love yourself. Accept yourself for who you are.” It may seem not so important, but I learned that a lot of suffering and problems stem from not heeding this simple advice. You have to find your worth on your own or you’ll end up ruining yourself trying to obtain your value from others, from being loved by others. Problem with seeking your worth from others is no matter how much they love you that you’ll never believe their love because you don’t love yourself. The question that burned into my soul is “How can you expect others to accept you when you can’t accept yourself?”

When I reflect on myself & brood over this question & the advice given to me. I realised that I needed to make myself my own ally because back then I was my own worst enemy & bully. I was so desperate seeking others acceptance I ended up rejecting myself. Listen, I know this may seem silly to you or not helpful. It is a truth that is based on reason. Your worth comes from you. Others can only add to this worth, but not give you worth. Your base value stems from you. You deem how worthy you are or worthless you are. This is why I advise people that are lost or desperate to date/friend themselves then seek to date/friend others afterwards.

Hey @erick_ocampo,

You deserve so, so much more than what your partner is giving you. A relationship isn’t 75/25, 90/10, or even 50/50 - a healthy relationship is 100/100. It sounds like you’re giving it your all (100) but she isn’t even near 100%. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re putting SO much into this relationship only to get nothing in return. Unfortunately we cannot change people; they need to make the choice to change, so your significant other will either need to consciously choose to change, or you will continue to hurt until you let go.

“Letting go” is a touchy subject, and I would be a liar if I said that letting go is easy. In fact (at least, in my own experience), it’s very, very difficult BUT it’s worth it in the end. I used to have a huge crush on a girl all throughout high school, while being too afraid to talk to her (and rarely did so). During the first year of college, we both went our separate ways and got into two different relationships, however deep down, I still missed her. Fast-forward and both of us end up breaking up with our significant others and were single again. I never actively tried to get over her, so every day I was just basking in sorrow wishing that things were different between us. We talked a little here-and-there, but nothing substantial. Because nothing was going to change between us (in terms of a status-change), I either had the choice of actively trying to move past her, or continue to hurt every day. I decided to end my hurt by attempting to move on by completely cutting her away (which was painful in itself) by removing her on all social media platforms, removing her number, and removing songs from my iPod that reminded me of her. Slowly but surely, she started fading away from my dreams (literally), and I noticed the pain starting to vanish as well. Fast-forward a few years and she later met a new dude and got married (I re-followed her on Instagram a couple of years ago once I was confident that I had moved on and could handle seeing pictures again). Now, I’m at a place where seeing her happy makes me happy.

All of this to say, assuming that your significant other won’t change, the ball is in your court. Although everyone is different, what worked for me was to cut the other person off and to look for someone who would treat my heart right - the way it deserves to be treated. Fast-forward to the current day, and I’m in a happy relationship with someone who treats me right - and I would’ve completely missed her had I been still mourning over the loss of someone else. The person who will treat your heart right could just be around the corner.

I mean, dude, look at what she’s (unintentionally?) doing to you. You’re falling apart under a cynic who has you wrapped around her finger. I understand that you’re afraid of finding love again, but there’s 7.5 BILLION people on the earth, so you’re bound to find someone. Heck, and in this technological age, there are even phone apps that can help you if you don’t know many people in-person. I bet my life that you’ll find someone who will treat you right, but you won’t find that person until you let go of the former. I wish the best for you - you deserve it!

-Eric

Wow, OK… you have a lot of questions, and quite some real problems on your life, I am just going to be honest about that.
But, and you might not want to hear this, I also see you putting your problems on her, and I think it might be at least part of the reason she is moving away from you. I think you realise you have a problem, but she is not responsible for healing that problem. She is not your cure against depression, and quite honestly, I don’t think she is the cause either. She might be A cause for your current state, but depression is a chemical imbalance in you that is triggered by things that happen in life.
I think your issues are serious. Go talk to a professional, a psychiatrist, and be as honest to him or her as you are here. I have been on anti-depression medication, and it is not the end of the world. It doesn’t mean you fail, it just means that you can use a little help, like getting glasses or lenses when your eyes are bad.

So I think the real question here is not your girlfriend, or even your depression. The real question is: will you deprive yourself of a useful tool that might change your life, and are you willing to reach for it to possibly make things better?

I hope this helps.

Martin / ThatOldDutchGuy