Finally understanding my sexuality

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So something I have battled with along with all the other stressors that life has placed in front of me is my sexuality.

I believe it’s been about four years- at first I thought I was a lesbian, than I thought maybe I was just trying to fit into a certain group of people so I thought I was straight, then bi, then questioning pansexual, and then asexual… all I have to say is it’s been a bumpy ride. But like an old wooden rollercoaster made fifty years ago… if you have ridden the wooden rollercoaster that I have you would understand.

Anyways- I digress.

Recently a YouTube I watch named Jessie Paege put out two videos explains her coming out story and her sexuality. And she talked about something I never heard before- demisexuality, which is where you do not feel romantic attractions for people until you get close to them- and with this sexuality you use demi as a prefix- so for me it is Demi-bisexuality. I have questioned whether I am Demi-pansexual- but I’m pretty sure I fit better with demi-bisexual.

Now all this time i still kind of feel like crap because all these years I just never knew my sexuality- I came out as gay to my parents and the internet (meaning like Facebook family friends yada yada) so I always felt intimidated about coming out again… it’s kind of a story that you don’t really see anywhere. You see people come out but… not really come out again as a different sexuality.

Also I bought a shirt that said “nobody knows I’m a lesbian” and that- I am ashamed to admit- held me back, because I wore it to school and out and about and… yeah.

I don’t know how to come out again- i don’t know when I will. I’m just really glad that I finally understand my sexuality… now I know I’ve said that twenty times before but this time, it just makes sense. And it fits. I know that I don’t have to label myself, and it’s ok if my sexuality changes… but it just feels nice because- it just feels nice.

Another thing is honestly I don’t think I’ve liked someone- kind of ever. Like I’ve had silly crushes but I’ve never gotten to know anyone to a point where I actually felt it in my heart that I liked them- I think if you have ever dated someone or are married or just really like someone you will know what I’m talking about.

All in all- I apologize for my essay of a post, but I’m just glad to finally know who I am. It finally makes sense. And right now it is making me so happy I want to cry.

I love you guys. Thank you for being here for me when I am lost. Hold fast.

With love,
Lyss (your old pal Blurryface)

PS: I passed all my classes in my senior year of college- even AP Stats. I’m still amazed at that.

PPS: today marks 20 days self injury free. Thank you all for being there when the fight gets too hard to bear.

PPPS: I freaking love you all so much. You mean the world to me. :heart:

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Lyss,

Thank you so so much for sharing this! Congratulations on such a huge milestone with self injury and I’m so happy to hear you’ve found a comfortable place with your sexuality. I can totally relate to how something’s just fit. But with that being said, don’t feel like it’s written in stone either. You don’t owe anyone and explaination or a label. Take the pressure off of yourself and be gentle. Take the time to figure out what feels right. You are an incredibly strong person and you have the strength and courage to figure this part of yourself out without any pressure from other people.

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Also… high fives on your senior year! Especially stats. That’s absolutely amazing!!!

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PROUD OF YOU MY POTATO HOOMAN. I’m also a demisexual (but pan not bi) so if ever you need to talk LETS GO. Love you so freaking much you beautiful person. And well done on everything

Hold fast
Kayla

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Hey @Lyss! Thanks so much for sharing your story! I love reading posts with happy endings. :slight_smile: I’m so glad to hear that you’re becoming more comfortable with yourself, and I’m so proud of you for being over 20 days self-injury free!! ~throws confetti~

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Thank you so much for sharing this!

I have a similar story, all the different labels that don’t quite work, until I’m reading about demisexual - I felt like dancing around the room shouting “it fits!” I’d always said I ‘fell in love backwards’ because about the time someone was deciding we were just friends was about the time I would start feeling interested in being more. I’m also non-binary, but walking around in a female body, and that part I didn’t figure out until a couple of years ago (literally: maybe 2 years now) so if there was a timetable (which there’s not) you would be ahead of the game. I identify as “female-presenting non-binary genderqueer demisexual” with a tendency to think “why does it matter if we’re not being intimate” so idk maybe pan belongs somewhere in there too? see, I’m still figuring it out at 51… :slightly_smiling_face:

I found a lot of useful stuff at AVEN - the Asexual Visibility and Education Network http://asexuality.org

Congrats on crushing all the fantastic milestones! I’m looking forward to helping you celebrate crushing more goals as you choose them!

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Congratulations!i completely understand how that i, and it must feel so great to finally understand yourself. There are several people out there who wouldn’t quite understand how it feels, but I’m sure if you come out again they will accept you just as much as before. Good luck :slight_smile:

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HI Lyss. I’d say I know what you’re going through, but I feel like that’s not the right way to say it. I’ve been where you are, and to a degree I still am there.
Sexuality is super confusing. And I understand wanting to have a label; labels are nice. It’s just a couple of words and then (some) people know what you mean. I don’t know what my label is, and that bothers me. Your wanting for a word to describe yourself is completely valid.
Coming out again is really hard. I’ve come out about my gender multiple times, and it confuses the heck out of everyone (especially relatives on Facebook). My advice on coming out is to stop worrying about others. Back peddling isn’t bad; it means that you’ve grown. It doesn’t matter what other people think of you. All that matters is that you put yourself out there and live your truth.
I hope this helps you, and I’m sorry if it doesn’t. I hope you and everyone else here has a wonderful day.
With love,
Marlow Blue

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