Frustrated Cant Escape Eating Disorder Problems

Okay this may sound dumb and I probably just need to rant. So I’ve had problems with eating since I was like 13 (I’m 20 now), I’ve always gone back and forth between stretches of anorexia restricting and then binge eating for weeks or sometimes months. I used to have it very bad where I went to treatment when I was about 15 years old and even after that I relapsed a few times but eventually the restricting became more mild. Fast forward 5 years to now I’m 20 years old and in college, still frustrated on a daily basis that I cant think about food normally. I’m either dieting (not restricting so much as just ALL healthy food no junk, etc and exercising every day) or I’m binge eating still for weeks or months. I’ll lose some weight and start gaining weight binge eating again, eating when I’m not even hungry and it’s so stressful. I can feel myself gaining weight. I hate it but I cant stop it. It’s like my brain is all or nothing. I cant be fucking normal and just eat when I’m hungry and eat some good stuff some bad stuff. I have to be all in and completely focused on dieting or I’m all out and only eating complete trash all day and into the night. I am so frustrated. Sorry this is longer than I had planned but I’m 20 years old and I feel powerless. My brain cant handle this. Its depressing why cant I be normal??? Even seeing a nutritionist is super expensive and I am not “sick” enough to be taken seriously for any other type of help. I have no physical symptoms except weight gain. I hate this. Sorry it’s so long but I’ve held this in for so long.

Hey Holly,

Thank you so much for coming here and sharing this with us. None of what you’ve said is dumb. It sounds like a very stressful cycle you’ve been dealing with for quite a while. I’m sorry you’ve had to fight this, I know how exhausting it is.

You mentioned not being sick enough. Eating disorders are mental struggles that also effect the body and unfortunately society and even health professionals seem to only focus on the physical symptoms. Despite that, you do not have to be a certain amount of “sick” to be deserving of recovery or help. I want you to know that your struggles and feelings are valid. So, know that you are not alone in the things you feel and that we love and support you.

Hold Fast,

Hannah Rhodes

You’ve invested in eating. It is a hard habit to break. It was something you could control and in some ways it was conforting having the ability to control something when most things were out of control (including despair and fear).

It is time to work on this issue. I suggest through research via the internet through whatever format you prefer. It isn’t going away anytime soon so take your time.

Time to invest in something else other than what you eat. Develop a new habit (a healthy one). A disorder isn’t something that can easily go and you should not beat yourself up over something that is out of your hands. If it bothers you then do the tiny things you can control. You already have by coming here and talking a bit about it.

You’re worthy. Be strong. Never Quit.