I feel like I need to share with someone, because frankly I don’t have anyone to speak about this too.
(for the sake of privacy the gentleman i’ll be talking about will be named Vladimir.)
Around 5 months ago, Vladimir and his friend walked in my place of work and needed haircuts. I was the one who would be cutting Vladimir’s hair. My first thought when seeing Vladimir, was that he was very handsome. After chatting about a few topics, I found we had very similar taste in music, video games, etc… So I decided to give him my Discord info so we could possibly become friends and chat later. Later that night I received a friend request when I got home.
I wasn’t really good at starting conversations and I believe are first conversations were about scary video games. I would only message him every so often as I was busy with work and other things. A couple weeks into knowing him our conversations became a little more intimate. Talking about our desires (NSFW), and a lot more personal questions i’d rather not get into. One day we decided to go on a dinner date, after I finished with my job, He came to my work and picked me up. Chatting away at Dinner, there wasn’t anything he couldn’t say that made me smile, My jaw was hurting from the smiles he put on my face. After dinner, taking me back to my car, He asked me one question. “Can I kiss you?” of course I said yes. The sparks I felt and the gentleness of his passionate kiss made me feel so safe and warm…
After our date we decided to become boyfriend and girlfriend. How happy I was. 48 hours later, He says he isn’t ready for a relationship, its only recently he has been happy with being single and didn’t want to put him in a situation where he can only be happy with someone. (Which is understandable) it hurt me, my chest was tight and I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. I’ve never felt that way towards someone before, and I didn’t know why. Was it love? no, too soon to tell.
A week or so after I decided to text him again to say Hello and create conversation. To simplify upcoming events. We became friends with benefits. We would sometimes chat up and play video games, or he would ask me to come over. Messages from him started to fade and his replies seemed forced. it came to the point where when he needed me, that’s when he would speak to me. We stopped with the “Benefits” for a couple weeks because he was afraid I was becoming attached. (He wasn’t wrong) Just the sound of his voice would make me smile. His quirky stupid jokes. Drunk Vladimir was fun to talk to as well.
(There are things I am leaving out because I feel they are needed)
Here come the end of June. Still getting left on read, overthinking that I bother him. I become scared. Not of him but what I feel for him. My feelings want to pour out of my mouth. I love him. I have never felt this way about someone before and i’m terrified.
Early July… Vladimir’s close friend passes away. It dug a hole deep in him. I told him if he needed me or wanted to talk about things I was here for him. I let him come to me because I know what it’s like to lose someone close like that. A couple nights pass and he pours his sorrows out to me and we both become emotional.
The following week he invites me over to hangout. (Just to hangout) at this point we are on edge with our emotions so i’m scared to get close to him. Plopping on the couch next to him he pulls me into his arms as we watch TV together. He kisses me and we eat pizza. Later on I go home.
After that day our conversations seemed nonexistent. I tried not to text him, wanting him to come to me. It never happened. He usually would only reply if I asked him a question. I couldn’t keep quiet anymore so I asked him “Do you want me to stop trying to be with you?” Vladimir responded with “Its not that I want you to stop trying so much as I’m not sure you can change my mind.” He ended up calling me and I poured my heart out to him. At the end of the conversation I felt like My love was put it a box that says “Do Not Open”
I feel though he has been going through battles with himself, fighting his mind. He recently got back from a trip to see his friends out of state. At this point while he was away I haven’t texted him in about 1 week. He sends me a message. Thinking he wants to start a conversation…I discover he only wants something from me.
I do want to clarify, Vladimir is an amazing person, he is so very sweet and kind, but he is a man who hides behind a computer screen because he is afraid of his emotions. Like me I feel he doesn’t like confrontation very well.
This morning around the Witching Hour. I receive a text from Vladimir while I am asleep. The message says “I can’t keep doing this, I want you to stop trying, i’m sorry” Waking up around 4am I open my phone to this message and it’s like all the butterflies have died. I was scared and confused. I was more confused with the message “I can’t keep doing this” It didn’t make since. I rarely have spoken to him as I want to give him space and to not bother him. So I feel I haven’t done anything wrong. I replied back saying I feel we shouldn’t talk about this through text message and when he has free time to call me so everything can be okay between us two.
I know what is going to happen. I just cant bare to see him go. I am in love with this wonderful man. No matter how one sided I felt it was. The way he spoke about things, His laugh, his amazing skills at competitive gaming, his kiss. For months I have felt this pain and its to the point where I can’t handle it anymore, its effecting me mentally and physically and It hurts so bad.
I don’t know what to do at this point, all I feel is pain and sadness because I can’t accept the fact Vladimir is done with me. I always hold onto hope, that there is still a chance.
