Hi.
I’m writing here again because I honestly don’t know what to do now. I’m 6 months clean from all forms of drugs and alcohol, which has been one hell of a fight. However, I’m relapsing all over the place with my self harm. I don’t understand how I can fight one addiction but not another, the ways to prevent the action is the same… Why is it impossible to stop cutting but not impossible to stay clean?
I am pretty much in a state of numbness or extreme suicidal thoughts 24/7, having nightmares about killing myself and hurting the people Iove. I’m in therapy, and my therapist is amazing. I’m working a 12 step programme with the most amazing sponsor. I couldn’t ask for anyone better. I’m trying to sort things to move out of an avusive home, but right now, my situation doesn’t allow for it. I want to stop cutting, I want to stop feeling this way. I want to feel the love I KNOW that people here in the community have for me. I can’t nelirve I deserve it tho. I’m just running out of energy to fight and an feel myself wanting to isolate more and more.
I’m not sure where else to go with this, so here it is.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Breaking out of substance abuse is huge. And you’ve kept it up. I don’t really know enough to say what else is going on. Your therapist is better qualified for that. But it seems to me that you just need a way to cope with things, one way or another. You closed off one escape/coping mechanism by going sober. It only makes sense that you’d need a different avenue. Cutting isn’t great, but it’s not an uncommon escape and it’s not as harmful as substance abuse. You’re making progress. Hopefully you’ll be able to leave cutting behind in time. I have more than a couple of friends who have done just that. But don’t blame yourself for not being there yet. And know that you have done a lot for this community and at least one other that I know of. I’m sorry you don’t feel like you deserve the love and support you have, but from where I stand, you certainly do deserve it. Hang in there.
Kayla,
We love you… For no reason. Coz love needs no reason. You don’t have to deserve it because it’s not a medal. It’s a gift. Freely given. Don’t you wonder why?
Why do we love you? Look into yourself. And tell me all the 49 reasons why I love you. I have never met you in my life. But the love is there anyway.
That’s your quest. Consider it like a video game. Level one. Quest. Find out what makes people love you. Challenge: you can’t ask anyone. You have to look into yourself and find the reasons.
Reward: I’ll tell you about that when you give me all 49 reasons.
Good luck! Answer me soon!!! I’m waiting…