Hi... I’m back again, and I’m worse shape then when I left

HeartSupport Support
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Hi. So, here’s some news some of you probably don’t want to hear, since I’ve been last here.

WARNING: TRIGGERS AHEAD. The topic of suicide, depression, panic attacks, anxiety, and total disconnect will be discussed.

So, Highschool sucks. Really sucks. I got into a friendship and nearly a relationship with a girl who was scared of commitment, and ended up hurting me and becoming an extremely cold person. I did some things, she did some things, we both got hurt. Anyways, that’s over, and I’m laced with regret and total self hate. I hear her yelling at me when we had our arguments, I cant seem to get her out of my head, and I regret everything.

Another thing that went completely wrong. I disconnected from my friends, and tried to hang myself over three weeks ago. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts for over six months, and I AM seeking therapy (and have been) for about three months. I keep thinking of just killing myself, so I can stop the screaming in my head, and so I don’t have to have our relationship play through my head. Also, I’m still recovering and regretting things about relationships with people long gone.

I feel alone… everywhere. With family, friends, and in public. Music doesn’t make me happy anymore. I’m scared I’ll take opportunity, and end my life, but at the same token, I welcome it. I’m 16, and I drive, and almost every time I do, I think of just veering off into a wall. I resist the urge to cut, and OD. I have been having seizure/ spasm like panic attacks for over a month, and I’ve lost 30lbs from simply not eating. I got sick over a month ago with a stomach flu, recovered somewhat, got depressed and suicidal etc, and was reduced to like 600cal a day, sometimes three days long stretches of not eating. I still exercise, just to keep active, and push myself to be social, but I just want to shut down and disappear. I have dreams, but no motivation to go do them. I’m scared to hurt everyone I know, family, close friends, future friends, with my suicidal thoughts, depression, and anxiety attacks.

I’m broken… and I’m started to believe I can’t be fixed and no one wants me to be. I believe everyone that likes me (who don’t know what I’m dealing with) will walk out the door and I’ll be left with nothing. I believe that future relationships will never be good enough, with me being the cause of it to fall apart. I believe that any choice I make is a mistake, and that I myself am one. I’m close to giving up… I feel so small…

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Hey there,
I’m sorry these last few months have been so difficult for you. I can’t imagine what you are going through right now, but at the same time I’ve been there. And it gets better, I promise. I’m glad that you are seeking professional help, that is a huge step into recovering. Being honest about the physical changes is also a really big deal and I’m proud of you for being honest about it all. Please know that you are incredibly loved, unconditionally. It doesn’t matter how many mistakes you make. And by the way, you are absolutely not a mistake. That is a lie meant to distort your view of yourself. You are not defined by the mistakes you make ad you are absolutely deserving of love and understanding. And we love you, and we understand how hard it is to feel what you’re feeling.
Please stick around. We need you here.

Hang in there friend

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@Jaden,

Thanks. But is it a lie? Why do I never feel good enough for my parents? Why do I feel like a conversation piece between two people? Why does it all fall apart at once? I don’t get it, and i feel so alone

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Life has a way of pulling every piece of us apart at once. The good thing is that we are able to be rebuilt from this, like a scattered puzzle coming back together. Sometimes you have to be broken to be pieced together. Your parents’ opinion and treatment of you does not lower the value your soul contains. You have so much value, and nobody’s viewpoint of you will change that my friend.

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