As most of you know I’ve spent my whole life around people who use me and abuse me, and I’ve never learnt how to tell what I mean to someone who doesn’t do those things. I know that I’m important - if I wasn’t, Jesus wouldn’t have given his life for me to live, but, you probably know what it’s like to want to feel important to the people you love the most.
Recently I’ve been feeling incredibly unimportant and pretty lonely in terms of not knowing where I stand with the people I love. The people I love show me that they care, everyday they remind me they love me and are there for me, but… I can’t shake the voices telling me that I’m not important to them - that, if for whatever reason I had to leave this community, they would just stop bothering with me… These thoughts hurt so much. Some of these people have literally saved my life and all I can think about is that. How do I know I truly actually mean something to people? I understand that they have people around them like family and friends that are of course priorities, but, for me, people in this community are the only people I have for the most part, and are some of the most important relationships I have… I don’t know if the people I speak to regularly really understand how important they are to me… I’m in so much pain not knowing where I stand with people and I don’t know how to tell… The pain that comes with uncertainty around people I love makes me want to relapse so badly, and I’ve even been considering leaving behind my self harm recovery just as a way of coping… I don’t know what to do.
Kayla,
Oh my, I could go on for awhile here. When I recall my first time visiting Heart Support, you definitely come to mind. I remember you being very helpful, and answering some questions I had. That makes a huge difference on whether or not people return to a stream. Think about that, you played a huge role on making me think, “I really like this channel”. I’m sure I wasn’t the only person who felt that way either. I can’t express how much I care for you. Without you the streams just wouldn’t be the same. I have come to seriously see you all as family.
Honestly, don’t let your thoughts get into your head and make you think negatively. This is just coming from my own experience. I constantly feel like I have upset people or wonder if I have pushed them away. I think you have seen this firsthand, lol. In those moments though, sometimes I just ask that person what they feel. As far as my life, you are very important to me! I think sometimes people just don’t know when they are overstepping boundaries, or necessarily know how much to tell a person. It feels as if sometimes I may be bothering you. So that may be how some other people feel as well.
Just know this, if you left the community it would not be the same. I am certain that I can speak for most people on that. So please don’t let that thought poison your mind. I really hope this has helped ease that hurtful feeling for you, because you ARE VERY IMPORTANT!!! We are here for you Kayla, much love!!!
I hang out in a lot of HeartSupport streams, between Dan and Casey’s individual streams, the actual HS stream, and SPK. Even though I haven’t gotten past my social anxiety to chat yet, I see how active you are in the community and how much everyone loves and cares about you, and I care about you even though we’ve never even talked. There would be a very noticeable void if you weren’t there.
You and I don’t stand in a very good position, so I’m going to keep this short and sweet. You know that you are loved by the community, by Dan, by Casey, by Taylor, and by so many others. You are reminded constantly by them as you say that you are loved by them. It seems like a desire for reconfirmation, and a fear that their feelings may change based on your actions, reactions, and relapses. And well for most people that isn’t a thing, especially within the community. I wish you the best with your future endeavors, and I hope that you talk to your therapist and sponsor about this, as i believe that there’s a deeper issue here, then you just not feeling like you’re loved by members of the community. My first guess, you gotta learn to love yourself.
I love you Kayla. I would miss you if you were to leave. But I understand that feeling because I’m going through the same exact feeling right now. But you, @Lyss and @Jaden have all reached out to be privately on multiple occasions and that means so much to me.
I hope you are doing okay. I know you were struggling the other night. I may not always respond right away when I’m AFK if busy but I’ll always get back to you as soon as I can okay?