I am unloveable

HeartSupport Support
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I’m really tired. Physically and emotionally, yet also with life. I just cried about everything but I feel awful still because no one listens to me. Today was the perfect example of that. I had to go to the doctor bc I was so tired and exhausted. They said to get plenty of rest but here I am at nearly 4 am. When I’m tired my depression and anger take over, and everything is directed at me.

I don’t know why I am the only person to have no one. Why am I having to suffer so much? What did I do to deserve no one? I know people have it harder and worse than me, but I emotionally have no one. The only person I had was my grandmother and she died 6 years ago, before shit hit the windshield. She took all my secrets to the grave. Like how I cried almost every night for my mom when I was 10, how much I wish my brother would love me, how I cried when I was grounded for no reason the night of the school dance, and how she probably knew I was Bisexual. She was the only person who ever loved me, not even my own parents loved me. My dad left before I turned 2 and my mom would hit me if I said something wrong, but I still miss her because I know she would still listen to my problems.

Now there is no one to love me and I’m growing to hate myself Kore than I use to. I look in he mirror and think of a post my friend sent me. It said we don’t see us at our happiest, when we’re the most beautiful, or how pretty we are when we love something. It was really emotional and probably heartwarming to some, but it just makes me even more depressed. Because I don’t see how a person as ugly as me could er be called beautiful or pretty. Yes old women say I’m an attractive or beautiful girl, but they’re just being kind for my (non existing) self-esteem. When I look in the mirror I see me, an ugly, fat, disgusting person. The only feminine thing I had was my chest size and my long, painted nails. But my chest size isn’t really that big and I can’t paint or grow my nails for work. I’m not skinny but I’m not overly fat, I’m the disgusting in between. When I look down there’s only fat. I may have lost 20 pounds but that’s all I’ll ever loose, the only thing i cant loose is my weight. I’m so ugly and disgusting its no wonder I’ve never been in a relationship. “Ugly” people always have beautiful personalities and Beautiful people tend to be the opposite. But since I have both an ugly personality and exterior, I’m just fucked.

I can’t see who would miss me if I was ever gone. No one likes me, even as a person. My job would just replace me, same with my friends and family. There is one guy who said he’d miss me but I know he’s kidding. He’s half my body mass and can’t get over anime girls for 2 seconds to actually get to know me. If he knew me he would just walk away though so it whatever. If i died no one would really miss disgusting, ugly me.

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Hey @Alex_Wildwind don’t give up, you may not have people physically around you who care, but I’ve found that people online can help just as well and mayeb even better. Now I’m not really good at talking about this stuff, but I know that you are worth it, and that you are a beautiful person. Not because you are super slim, or have certain things guys like, or even just being tall. No, you are beautiful because you are made in God’s image, and He cares about you.

I went to an open forum the other day, where Ravi Zacharias and another guy named Sam were talking on the topic of identity, and Sam made a good point about sexuality, don’t let it define you. No matter what sexuality you are apart of, it doesn’t matter nearly as much as the fact that God made you in His image, and made you for a purpose.

I used to have the same thoughts that you’re having right now, that even if I was gone no one would care, but after that I realized I was thinking the wrong way. Instead of continuously bringing myself down I would use it to build myself up, for instance whenever I thought that my physical appearance was less than appealing, and when I would think negative thoughts about myself I would look back at myself, and tell myself that it doesn’t matter, that God loves me no matter how I look or what’s happened to me.

Don’t look for fulfillment in people who can help you emotionally, or look for it in your body and looking how the world wants you to believe you should, the only thing I can say is to place that identity in Christ, because He has made you in His image, and that alone is a special thing. I know it’s hard when it feels like no one around you cares, I’ve been there too, but one thing I realized is that it doesn’t matter what people around me think, as long as God loves me, I don’t need affirmation from people when God has accepted me already. Talk to Him, read the Bible, pray, and just believe in yourself. One thing I’ve learned about self-esteem, is that before you start looking for people to love and accept you, you have to love yourself. I love who I am, love my personality, my physical appearance, and despite what some people see as negative I love it. I love me, learn to love yourself, because once you do that, and when people start criticizing or laughing at you it doesn’t matter, because they don’t control your life.

Love yourself, Love Christ and just keep going, there are tons of people out there rooting for you, and if you ever want to just talk, I’m more than happy to do that, whether it be on this topic again or just anything you’re dealing with. Don’t give up, and remember God loves you, not just you, God loves Alex, whatever shape, form, or personality He loves you for who you are individually.

I know this is already a long post, but Gerard More from Darkness Divided talked on this subject and it really inspired and helped me, and I hope it helps you too. (It’s from heartsupport go figure lol!)

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Dang I am so sorry this happened . You don’t have no one you have us. By the way you are not ugly . Your amazing . Your are amazing . In rough patches it may seem that you hate yourself for your self esteem but at the end you are loved . You are always welcome here and you are loved here . If you don’t have anyone to go to , we will be the people you go to if you need anything . I hope you can get some sleep soon . Just know your loved . And remember you’re worth it

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“not even my parents love me” I’m so sorry. I know what it’s like to feel this. I’ve only told 2 people this, had no plans to say anything else, but if hearing this helps you believe you’re not alone even a little, he abuse from my father has gotten to a point where it’s become physical. My mum emotionally abuses me and puts me down. You will find those people who love you and will treat you right… I’m still working on that too.

Those thoughts you’re dealing with right now are the same thoughts I deal with on a daily basis. It sucks. but you would be missed. We don’t care what you look like, what your sexuality is or the abuse you think you deserve. We love you, we care about you and thank you for posting here.

Hold Fast
Kayla

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Hi @Alex_Wildwind

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is so hard when we are alone. It feels like our bad thoughts just become louder and harder to fight. I hope you find a loving community here that can help you. I don’t know what you are going through but your post reminds me s lot of myself. The confidence that I have gained in my life has not always been there. I remember hating myself because I thought I was too fat. I remember crying in a Target fitting room because I hated everything about me. I convinced myself that I deserved to be alone because the idea of anyone touching me grossed me out. It’s through therapy, time and learning to love the smallest things about myself that have given me the small self esteem I have. It’s still hard sometimes, don’t get me wrong. But you don’t have to live with these thoughts forever. Our worth is more than what is in the mirror. Sending you all the love right now. You have so much worth and it might take time and work to see it, but it is in you.

Love,
Cassie

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Hey @Alex_Wildwind,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through a rough time right now. I’m proud of you for reaching out!

For me, I feel horrible if I get lack of sleep. Unfortunately my brain/body demands a LOT of sleep, yet it has difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep because I’m a light sleeper. If you find it hard to fall asleep, try to take some dissolvable melatonin tablets before bed, and try to read a couple of chapters in your favorite book. Studies show that your “prime hours” of sleep fall between 10pm-2am so try your best to hit those hours!

While reading through your post, I was telling myself, “I’m sure someone cares deeply for this person” (aside from us at HeartSupport) and alas, you wrote:

Be careful ruminating on the lie that no one loves you - one of your friends sent you some mail! That shows he/share cares about you and has you on his/her mind. If you look hard enough, I’m sure you can think of more people who care about you. I was doubting something similar back earlier this year. Then, last March I burst-fractured my spine. I became overwhelmed by all of the people who came out of the wood-works to express their condolences. It reminded me that just because someone doesn’t express love doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t care.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Almost everyone is insecure to an extent - some are just better at hiding it than others. Practice telling yourself the opposite of what you just said. It’ll be uncomfortable at first, but you’ll learn to believe whatever you tell yourself - truths or lies. You’re loved!

-Eric

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@Alex_Wildwind

Here is our video response from our Twitch live stream. Hold fast friend.

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It must be nice to have a religion, I envy those who have one. I only wish I could believe in something. I thought I believed in god but when your family tires to believe 2 religions and say it being a “traditional” Native (I’m native american), you tend to loose what you believed in. I never really believed in god, I only went to church so I could sleep on my mom’s lap. (I truly loved her even if she didn’t love me.)

Plus today I talked with a few coworkers, and acted like I was joking so I could see how they really thought. They all basically hate me, if not they strongly dislike me. It kinda sucks because I really care what my 2nd manager says, might be because I have some sort of feelings for him (probably not the best thing but its a small distraction). They laughed and seemed like they were joking, but I’ve become really good at reading people, and I could tell they were only slightly joking. It hurt to here them say I cause depression at work.

Then my band director gave a small speech about negativity the other day. I could tell I was the main focus of it. He said there’s no room for negativity in the band and a few of my “friends” looked at me. Then he said “Some people light up the room when they walk into it, and some people light up the room when they leave.” It was hard to listen to and it made me angry, but then after saying how I felt about it to my “friends” they kinda agreed with him. It makes me angry, hurt, and just fucking depressed after that.

I’m probably writing too much, but I really just want to say how I feel. I’ve bottled up my feeling for 6+ years and it feels nice to not be alone. Even if a few people relate it feels nice. Plus the Twitch stream made me cry within the first half. Just hearing someone call me Alex, it brought tears. I use Alex as a cover but that’s the name I’ve always wanted, because its gender neutral. Sometimes I feel feminine and some times I feel more masculine and Alex would fit me better than my real name. Just hearing that name makes me feel…happy? I don’t know how to describe the feeling but I feel better just from that, it might be a short boost but it gives me a smile now and confidence for tomorrow. Thank you

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I wouldn’t hang on words from coworkers. I know that some people hangout after work but usually those people are acquaintances not friends. imo.

Also if what your band Director or friends opinions matter to you then maybe you should reflect on it. I use to let my loneliness & depression majorly affect me before I realized that my emotions aren’t my actions or are my reactions. In simple terms, triggerings or replies. Replies to circumstances which means circumstances & people could control or manipulate me through my emotions. This bothers me because I like to have as much control over me as possible. When you’re a negative person such as me you learn quickly how emotional you can get.

Now I can be depressed & lonely, but can put a genuine smile on my face. I remember a few things to remind me it could always be worse. I distract myself from problems or issues that plague me like my depression or loneliness. Distraction is a great tool.

Use things you like to do as a distraction even if you feel like doing absolutely nothing. A good distraction for me is music, movie or a show. When I want to be put in a good or light mood I listen to pop, r&b or rock music or I watch a comedy or action flick.

Sometimes when I feel I can’t smile I decide to get angry so I don’t feel the depression or loneliness. So I listen to metal or watch a horror flick.

It is hard to be positive when you think or brood on issues that catch your attention. Makes you bully or question yourself. Best thing is to set objections and work on the steps toward accomplishing those goals. (Word of advice avoid things that might trigger your depression or loneliness.)

If you have problems with decisions (in that you always are second guessing yourself or putting yourself down) then the use of positive affirmations to change your situation. I did. (If you need to know how I used them-my experience-Just ask.)

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I forgot to say this, but thank you. I know its delayed but I really am thankful. Its felt nice to have people show they cared, and you all don’t even know me. I can’t even say that for most of my “friends”. But knowing that even one person cares for me helps me get through my rough days, which seems to be everyday almost.

I did cry within the first 10 minutes because hearing my post out loud, it just seemed like my problems were finally heard for the first time. Having my secrets out in the open just made me feel embarrassed but as you two went on I felt better. No one has ever treated me with so much respect and care, so again I say thank you. All of your words made me feel…loved? I’m not too sure if that’s e right word, maybe wanted might be a better one. Either way it has helped me feel a lot better.

-A

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