These are just some things I wrote down while I had some time alone on my break at work. I don’t know what to do, and I guess this is just how I can piece my words together. I’m sorry if it sounds sporadic.
Sometimes I just spend time alone listening to music. And… the words I hear make me think of the past and the hard times I’ve been through. I love the music I listen to. I don’t want to let go of it. But sometimes I feel like being alone listening to music puts me in a bad place. Like, I end up feeling the depression come back.
It’s hard because… that’s what I wanted to do for forever. To put out music. To be able to hop in the car or put on a speaker and hear my own message come through the airspace. I wanted to know my words entered other people’s ears. But somewhere along the way I gave it up. What I want to do became what I wanted to do. The when became the if which became the wish. It’s hard to deal with. I feel potential floating inside me, like an astronaut stranded in space. Full of knowledge and experience and ideas and out in the middle of where they’re supposed to be but just floating aimlessly, unable to do anything because there’s no gravity, no spaceship, no cable to hold them down, no one else around, no Houston. Just dead space. That’s how my potential feels. Full of life in dead air. Nowhere to go.
But, I guess I’ll have to go somewhere else. Is that okay? To leave that behind? Would help ever come for me? Would I ever come back to the surface? Or am I just swinging at the air for nothing? I’ve exhausted myself for no reason and I’ve chosen to go back to something else because it seems like I’ll never be able to reach what I hoped to achieve. I wish it were easier. I was hoping the “if” was doable. I wanted the “when” to be eventual. But the depression seems to be perpetual, even if it hides. I’ll never chase the dream, because it’s just too far out of reach…
Sometimes it feels like music is the only place where I can simultaneously feel safe but also destructive. I can put in my headphones or sit in my car and feel at peace because I can hear the hope someone else is telling me or I can feel the pain that someone else is singing about, empathizing with them in some way. I just don’t know how to handle it. I don’t know what to feel, and when I do, it can change on a dime. I just want to go back to not hating my dream because I can’t achieve it…
