Hi, my name is Izzy and I’m 17 years old. I used to date this guy named Matthew. He is also my best friend, which makes things complicated. Before we gave dating a try, I told him how I felt about him and he felt the same way about me but he said we couldn’t be together because of school. At the time, he also had feelings for another girl but they were always on and off. One day we were talking as we usually do and he told me how he liked me a lot more than I think and how we could possibly give us a try. I was happy. Blind but happy. Literally a few days later, they started following each other on Instagram again. I started crying and having a panic attack because I knew they were talking again. Turns out, my prediction was right and I was livid. We got into two arguments. One was when I told that I couldn’t do it anymore because he simply making excuses for why we wouldn’t work instead of why we could. He said we should just forget about it and I said fuck you to him. I apologized immediately after he said that he didn’t deserve to be disrespected like that. The other was about how I was “pinning my emotions” on him and I apologized again. We were cool and friends again after that. I decided that I was going to move on and focus on myself. A few weeks later, out of blue, he started holding my hand. We officially started dating the next day. He really made feel beautiful, loved, and happy. A few days after we first got together, he broke up with me the first time. I remember that moment like it happened yesterday. The reason why was because he claimed he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that he was having family issues. Of course, I was hurt, but I understood his reasonings. When we got back from Thanksgiving break, we got back together. He was going through a lot then I was trying to be a good girlfriend and be there for him as much as I could even though I was going through my own shit. Towards the end of our relationship, it seemed like he was getting distant. Like he was physically there but not as much attentive. I didn’t say anything because I felt like I was going crazy. Winter break came along and we went on our first date. We saw Bohemian Rhapsody in theaters. I felt that everything was fine then and I felt at ease again. A few days later, he broke up with me again. He claimed that it was family issues and he was stressed out. That was two months ago and it’s when everything started to go downhill for me. Two weeks ago, I decided to tell him that I still love him and that I still see a future with him, hoping I would get a straight forward answer. I didn’t. He simply said that he didn’t know what to say. I asked what he meant and I never got a response. I honestly miss him. He acts like everything’s okay with us but it isn’t and he knows it. He knows I have a weak spot when it comes to him and I know at one point that he’s going to reel me back in while I’m trying to pick up the pieces he broke. I know I’m going to give him another chance then he’s going to pull the same shit but I won’t be able to fix the pieces again and it may push me over the edge. The pain and heartbreak I feel constantly is slowly starting to consume me. The constant crying is draining. I can’t eat or sleep. I can’t focus. My grades are starting to slip because I can’t face seeing him everyday so I don’t go. I lost interest in doing anything. I just want to sit in my room, curl up and cry. I feel like of I simply didn’t say anything and kept it to myself, none of this wouldn’t have happened. It’s all my fault. There are times where I think killing myself would be the only way to stop the pain. But I can’t do that to my family or my friends so I don’t go through with it. I’m too much of a coward anyway. People say I should just cut him out of my life and move on but I can’t find the strength to. I can’t find the strength to move on. I can’t find the strength to do anything anymore.
Hey,
I just want you to know that you’re not alone. Thank you for sharing your life with us.
You don’t deserve this pain.
My grades are starting to slip as well due to my depression; I just don’t want to do anything. I keep trying to get better but it’s like it’s an endless cycle.
This too shall pass friend, the sun will rise and we will try again. It’s ok to cry, it’s ok to not be ok right now- just not ok to stay that way.
You are loved as you are, I’m proud of you for reaching out. Baby steps are important- they add up. I believe in you. Keep fighting. One small step at a time.
Love,
Lys
izzy,
Man, this is so brutal. I’m so sorry…you’ve been through the ringer, and it feels like there’s nothing that could convince you to get off this crazy ride…it’ll beat you up and spit you out and you’d still hang on because this is one of the only places in life you feel seen…and loved…
And that’s the brutal part of it, right? Is that the hope for being loved – even if you never are actually loved – even if it comes at a tremendous cost…feels safer than not knowing if you’ll be loved this way again. So you stay, and you hurt, and you hurt, and you hope, then you feel it for a moment, a few days here, a few days there, then it comes crashing down, and you wait, and hurt, and hurt, and hope, and hurt, and wait.
Here’s something to know: you’re not crazy, Izzy. You’re not stupid either. Your heart is doing exactly as it was made to do: to long to be fought for, to long to be captivating. The problem you’re facing is that the person you’re looking for that validation from only gives it to you when it’s convenient for him. He’s not looking to come for you…he’s looking to take from you. And your heart, though it is searching for what it was made to search for, is searching somewhere it will never find it.
What you need to know is that you deserve the love you’re looking for…you deserve for a man to come and fight for you, to offer you his strength, to stay…through thick and thin – regardless of how bad life gets because he’s here for you, not to take from you. You deserve that love. The love you hope for is out there, and I believe you will find it…just not in this guy.
As painful as it is, I find it’s often easier in the long run to block someone I can’t get myself disentangled from.
If you’re interested in learning more about your heart, what it’s looking for, and how you can heal and find true deep validation and love, go here.
Hope this helps friend. You deserve better than Matthew is capable of giving!
-Nate
You deserve so much better than him. I know that’s hard to hear, but its the truth. If he can’t take your feelings seriously, he shouldn’t be in your life. You deserve someone who treats you much better than this.
Thank you so much, Lyss. I hope everything’s okay with you.
Thank you so much, Nate. This means so much.
Thank you, this means so much.
It’s no problem <3 hope you figure things out soon.