I guess I have struggled with my mental health for a long long time. But this past month or so has become a real battle for me and I am starting to lose control of it all.
So around 8 weeks ago, I like an idiot opened myself up to accusations at my workplace of gross misconduct. I had performed a very dangerous action with a forklift to rescue a pallet that someone had pushed into the racking. At the time I was covering a different set of shifts and whilst knowing the people I didn’t know them that well. I was also the most senior member of staff on site running a shift that would normally have 3 Team Leaders, but I was drafted in to cover them all having the same holiday, this followed a week later by an outburst at a member of staff who was swearing at me in Romanian but I replied with a tirade in English in which the senior site management witnessed.
I was investigated for both instances and knew my time was up when I received the notice of intended disciplinary. I had in my head made my mind up that if it was to go this far, I would depart there and then and not try to fight my corner as I knew I would lose my job. I had that ‘red line’ in my mind and knew that it was the correct course of action. I also knew that the senior management was driving this action as other managers in the chain, had pre-warned me that I was in the firing line and they would be taking it seriously and not brushing it under the rug like they would do with normally.
I do not regret my decisions, I am disappointed I was too short-sighted to realize by doing those two things I had put myself into that position and others and made it easy to get rid of. I can deal with that I am a little bit bitter but not losing sleep over it bitter.
So I left my job 4 weeks ago, under this naive cloud that I would fall into a job overnight that has not happened and as each week has gone by I have found myself struggling to rally to do anything, I have applied for countless jobs and had numerous interviews and with each rejection I find myself becoming more and more despondent. A friend has tried to get me a job with him, working for a courier company but this has been held up by them dragging their heels to clear me to drive. I have 3 interviews this week for jobs and despite everyone talking me up and blowing smoke I cannot get my hopes up that this period in my life will come to pass.
I am growing more and more panicked by the fact I have money for maybe another 10 days before I am broke, I don’t have any credit to lean on and I cannot ask my Mum to bail me out. I feel like a complete failure because I have stopped taking my daughter out on Saturdays for the adventures we go on, and instead we go for a drive and then go back to my mums to play with her toys and watch cartoons all day.
I am a slave to my own pride to even admit to anyone who asks if I am ok that I am not ok, I don’t want anyone to know how much I am struggling as I don’t want people to feel like they won or got the better of me. My room currently looks like a pigsty, I cannot even get the motivation to tidy it up. I just sleep all day/night read books and sit on youtube, I don’t even play video games or go for walks anymore. I really lack the drive to do anything or see anyone it takes me all day to summon the strength to get dressed and go to the local shop, I have stopped eating properly mostly just one meal a day.
Speaking of my little girl, I feel like if she wasn’t in my life I would have put a bullet in my brain by now. Like I wish things worked out with her mum and I got to see her more, but every Saturday is my day with her and I look forward to it and I love seeing her and she means the world to me, and I feel like a real piece of work for thinking about killing myself and hurting her like that but I really do not see a way out of this one.
I mean 3 Months ago I felt I had finally figured things out I was doing well had made plans that are now in tatters, I just feel so hopeless and that those days were just a dream, I don’t see how I can get back to them.
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