I do.
Right now i feel like i want to either not exist or put a gun to my head and shoot myself. dealing with mental health sucks. going on with full panic mode, my mood changing… there’s time where, will i ever feel enough, will i ever fight these voices in my mind saying “kill yourself” or “shoot yourself” etc . there’s days where i will have good days and there’s bad days. sometimes there’s more bad days or more good days. My mind just goes with what it is.
But right now, it doesn’t feel the easiest. Feeling depressed after panic after frustration . its a lot. i don’t know what exactly to do here.
Today hasn’t been the easiest. i went from panic mode because i found out i have to ‘present’ in front of i don’t know how many people with one other person and that just gives me anxiety then i couldn’t find Oreo’s harness which added on to the panic then coming back to my dads to find out Oreo’s stuff was taken apart because of him being naught . ( i swear i trained him to be good about making messes where they aren’t supposed to be) to me feeling like absolute shit feeling these negative feelings to kinda thinking back to when i was in a dark place 3 years ago harming myself to where i didn’t want to kill myself but to where i was “satisfied”. Some times crap doesn’t go in my favor such as being called irrelevant by someone younger then me. I’m clueless right now . i truly am.
I know in my life I’ve felt hurt and I’ve wrote it down. but how do i keep it so no one see’s it? Something i wrote was , " no words on leaving, has no words on committing suicide, no words on hope,no just nothing." Is this just of my lows like i wrote or what would this be? i just wish i could feel better and have better days beside feeling like crap but i know this can be life and a process to feel better. i don’t know what else to do besides type this because i don’t know how else i feel.
I probably know this is probably not gonna get any attention cause I’m probably not as important as anything else but would i ever be. Will i ever be important, enough, and strong enough to be okay.
-Ashley
(Remember to hold fast and You’re worth it)
Some times i feel like having the urge to relapse or thinking about what life will be better without me in it ? why though?
Hey @all_around_ashley,
I’m proud of you for reaching out, and I’m sorry to hear that you’ve hit a string of bad days. But, like you said in your post, sometimes we have bad days and sometimes we have good days - and sometimes the bad days seem to outweigh the good days, but that doesn’t mean that the good days aren’t worth fighting for.
No one is more valuable than anyone else, in general. From the president to a homeless person, everyone has equal value. You are already strong enough and important enough to be okay - it’s hidden within yourself. Keep pushing. We believe in you and we want to see you get better!
-Eric
Hey Ashley.
Something that’s really helped me is waking up first thing in the morning and saying “I am enough.” And say it everytime a seductive lie that you aren’t starts to seep in. If you have the energy, add other positive things about yourself. Keep them simple and believable. Things like “I am kind” or “I am smart”. Start enjoying as much of life as you can. Even just something like “ wow this is a really good breakfast” will help you start thinking positively (and ultimately less about yourself). When it’s hard just to believe that you are enough, force out those three words and tap yourself on the chest with each word! I really hope this helps!
—Nate