I feel like I'll always be alone

So after reading a few topics on here, I realize that my issue isnt as bad as some others, but it still brings me down every single day…
About two years ago I lost the girl that I thought I would marry. I moved to college with her. At the time it seemed great, my best friend lived with me. We were happy. After a year at school, it got harder to live together. We were always fighting. This is hard for me to talk about, but why be here if i cant tell the truth, right? The first summer back home she gets pregnant, and we have an abortion. Absolutley one of the hardest things ive ever dealt with mentally. I still felt like a kid myself at the time so this starved me of sleep for days. She was worried I would think differently of her or look down on her afterwards but nothing changed. I loved her the same. We spend another year at school together, things are getting harder. Looking back, I realize that we were getting sick of eachother. We should have broken up then but I was too scared to be alone 5 hours from any family or friends, so i stayed with her. We both come home from school for Christmas break and everything is great. We had a wonderful Christmas, went and saw Norma Jean and SIlent Planet. As soon as I get back to school, I find out that shes pregnant again… We have an other abortion, which was even harder than the first time. Ill never forget flushing a fetus down the toilet, I dont think I’ve ever done anything harder in my life. Abortion always seemed like such a trivial issue to me until it became personal. I still have nightmares about it. I was there for her as much as I possibly could be for it. Anything she needed, I went and got or did. Two weeks after this (my birthday weekend) she breaks up with me. Ive never felt more empty or dead inside. I didnt even realize at the time that this was the last day shed ever live with me. She leaves, because I encouraged her to be more social and make more friends (i was her only friend when I met her) she had plenty of places to stay. Granted, I neglected her when we came home for christmas. She had to go back early and was alone for two weeks. I just wanted space from her, but I regret every bit of space i got now. I was at school alone for a year. In the upper pennisula of michigan, so it was pretty much a constant freezing blizzard. Ive never been closer to killing myself than I got there. I was saving up xanax until I had enough to kill myself. Its weird how casual building a plan for ending your own life can be. Like nobody even knew I was doing it, thats still crazy to me. My parents started coming up almost every weekend because they were so worried. I used to text my mom “I’m so sorry if im not around tomorrow” before I’d go to bed.

I finally graduated, somehow with a 3.7 GPA. I come back home ti live with my parents at 24, which was pretty defeating. This girl always hammered into my head that “real men” my age cant live with their parents. Its been about two years since then, and shes been dating someone knew for a little over a year now. I’ve been out on at least 50 dates and I just cant do it. I see happy couples together in public and I dont understand how they do it. I cannot for the life of me find anyone that will be with me. I’m a rather nice and respectful guy, with somewhat old fashioned values, but after two years it just feels like im not good enough for anyone or no one fucking wants me around. I’m so tired of trying to meet women and go out with them. I want to be with someone but it all just feels so forced and weird. I’m absolutley terrified that I’ll be alone forever. I try to be the best person I can but it constantly feels like I’ll never be good enough for anyone. Everyone around me is dating someone and my family always makes jokes about me being single. People tell me that I’m a good looking guy and I’m so nice. They dont know why I’m alone and I dont know what to say because I dont know either. I’m so tired of never feeling good enough for anyone. I think about killing myself all the time, but that would just make everyone around me upset, so its like I can’t win no matter what I do, and I dont know what the fuck to do. I dont want to be alive if it means always being alone.

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Hey @CoffinTalker13,

Thanks so much for opening up and trusting us with your story and current situation. I’m sorry to hear about the trauma you went through with your girlfriend.

A survey was conducted back in 2016 and found that 31.5% of 18-to-34-year-olds still lived with their parents (either continuously or returning back after college). So, I disagree with your ex. Heck, I wish I could save $600/month and have home-cooked meals, but alas, I live 2K+ miles away from my parents.

I understand it can be difficult breaking up with a significant other whom you’ve been through a LOT with together. I’ve been there too. As cliche as it sounds, time really does help heal the wound. You’re bound to find someone who will treat you properly without getting into fights every other day. Patience is a virtue. In the meantime, try not to base your worth off of anyone but yourself. In other words, you’re valuable whether you’re single or in a relationship. That’s a fact, even if it doesn’t feel like it sometimes. You’re loved.

-Eric

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Hey man,

I just wanted to say I can really relate to what you’re going through. It’s eerily similar to my story of a few years back but with a very similar story (abortions) and a similar breakup, and a dismal dating life afterwards. Unfortunately, I’m still searching for answers and feeling very similarly as you do. The point of this all was to say, you aren’t the only one who feels that way. It gives me a bit of comfort as I try to fight through it.

Jesse

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