I bought a house in 2016 that I’ve been fixing up. So my husband and I have been living with my parents. All I have left is the plumbing. My dad was going to do it. He died in September 2017.
My mom has been really depressed and very hostile towards me. I get why she is depressed. But she lashes out at me about everything. She talks about my sister and how she misses her and she hopes shes doing ok. But she never asks me if I’m ok. I’m not. I feel like my dad death was my fault. He died of a massive heart attack. It was caused by stress. That day he went to my house and worked without me. Because I had plans. He was pronounced dead before I got home. And since then it feels like my mom hates me. She told me one day that my sister doesnt come around because of me. Maybe it’s true. Maybe they’d be better off without me. I want to disappear. I dont want to be here anymore. I get triggered at least once a day. I haven’t self harmed since I was 18. I have to make myself lay down and squeeze my hands until they hurt so bad that I cant move them. If I dont I’m afraid I’m going to relapse. I feel like everything is my fault. I feel like my dad died because of me. I feel like my mom is depressed because of me. My sister doesnt come around because of me. Every one would be better of if I just left and didn’t come back…
I am so sorry for what you’re going through. Your dad’s death is not your fault. I know, it must be so hard being around people who tell you it is. To know that you weren’t there when he died. But, please, friend. Forgive yourself for not being there at the time. This is such a heavy burden that you are carrying, and I hope that, in time, you allow yourself to set it down. That weight is too much for one person to carry.
You have so much worth and value. You are treasured. I know that may be hard to see right now. But it is true. And I pray that you see that.
Even if your family blames you, they don’t have the final say. God loves you. He wants you to set this burden down. You were created for so much more than this condemnation and burden.
Please reach out again if you need to. You don’t have to go through this alone. We are here for you.
Friend, I am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. Losing a loved one is a horrible experience to go through. And you’ve got the rest of your family adding on to that, which isn’t fair. It’s not your fault your dad died. It’s not. Who could have known he would have a heart attack? You couldn’t have predicted that. And dwelling on what if’s and what could have been doesn’t help you or anyone else get through this. Would it have been better for you if you had been there with him? Maybe. Would it still have happened? Maybe. But again, no one knows the future. No one knows when bad things will happen. Grief is hard. It takes a long time. It sounds like your mom is going through it and having a hard time. She’s blaming you because we have a tendency to try to push the blame on someone, anyone when bad things happen. She’s probably feeling out of control and looking for a reason why this happened. But it’s NOT your fault. And if your mom and sister aren’t coming around anymore, it’s on them, not you. Their choices are their own, not yours. Have any of you seen a grief counselor or gone to a support group or anything like that? Grief is hard to deal with alone, especially when it’s complicated like this. I promise you everyone would not be better off without you. Hurt makes us say things that we don’t mean sometimes. I’m sure your family would be devastated without you. You matter and your life is valuable. Seek out resources and help to get you through this. It doesn’t have to be the end.
I’m sorry that you’re struggling and I’m sorry to hear about your dad. It’s not your fault. Please try and talk to your mum about how you’re feeling. Let her understand you know she’s hurting and you went to help. You can keep fighting this. We love you. If you do happen to relapse, It doesn’t mean we think any less of you. We love you.
Hold fast
Kayla
Hey @blackhorizon,
I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. Please know that your dad’s death is NOT your fault. You will begin to believe anything you tell yourself, whether it be truths or lies, so you need to speak words of life over yourself. It is not your fault. Your mom is also in a great deal of pain, and it’s terrible to hear that her outlet is to take it out on you - again, please know that this is not your fault. You are worth SO much more than you think you are. Your life is valuable. You’ll get through this, I promise. Please keep reaching out. We’re here for you.
-Eric