My life fell apart 8 years ago and I keep trying to put the pieces together. I don’t feel like I can trust anyone because doctors have constantly misdiagnosed and misprescribed, I have been sexually abused and witnessed severe neglect at psychiatric hospitals, therapists were used to make me do what my mom wanted as a kid and when I tried to get one as an adult they tried to change my religious beliefs to match theirs. Now I am married and far away from where I grew up. My only friend here is my husband and when I cry and want comfort, it breaks his heart so much he has to leave the room. I have stopped caring for myself. I don’t sleep much, I don’t eat much, I am not hygenic, I don’t excercise at all. Our apartment is filthy because I don’t clean it. I don’t have a job. I don’t make friends because I almost never go out. I’m not actively excercising my religion even though it’s the most important thing in my life. My husband and I are almost out of savings because we spend more than he makes (mostly on bills). I spend all day in bed messing with my phone because I am incredibly scared of thinking about all of the hurt and pain I’ve experienced. From almost every angle, it makes more sense for me to kill myself. Financially it makes sense. Even if there was someone who could help me, we cannot afford it. People have invested a lot of money, time, and emotional energy in trying to help me but the system is broken. The system that was supposed to help me made me worse. There are not many reasons left for me to live. The people I leave behind would be sad. God might punish me forever, depending on who you ask. I don’t think I deserve happiness since my life is not worth living. I am a drain on the people I love the most and I accomplish nothing. I am almost distant enough from everyone in my life that my death wouldn’t hurt them as much as it would have in the past. My husband is miserable because I am so hopeless all the time. I’ve wanted to kill myself in the past, but when it actually comes down to it, I can’t do it myself. The state I am in has Physician-Assisted Suicide. If I can earn enough money to get an appointment, I don’t see why I shouldn’t get help dying. The only thing I am worried about is that they will send me back to the psychiatric hospital. Instead of dying I would be faced with more potential for the abuse and neglect I have faced in these places in the past and there would be a very large bill. I don’t know what to do. I guess part of me sees this way of thinking as wrong since I am asking for help on here. I think the worst flaw in my thinking is I believe everyone else’s life has value and a deeper purpose, but not mine. I do not believe I deserve anything but despair and misery, but I want everyone else to be happy. I hate myself, and I don’t know why. Hopefully I’m less of a burden on here than I am to my family and friends because nobody here knows who I am. I have nothing left to live for, but I can’t bring myself to stop living. I’m so confused. Am I selfish for wanting to stay even though my existence seems to be draining the people close to me?
Dear @IsThereHope,
It’s not in any way selfish that you want to stay. I can speak for everyone here on saying that the HS community wants you to be here. We can help you. I’d suggest talking to your husband about needing him there when you talk, heartbreaking as it may be to him. I’d also suggest finding other people who you can vent to: people you trust.
Stay strong, everything will be okay.
Thank you. You’re right, I do need to talk to him.
Good, and don’t hesitate to message someone here if you need a listening ear. 
Dear IsThereHope,
I am sorry that you are dealing with such a heavy weight at this time. What I am about to say may not be what is normally said on here, but I am doing it with the intent that it might help you. Know that I am here for you and am always willing to talk.
I know you have probably asked yourself why you think so negatively about yourself, but ask it again. Take some time to sit there and think about it. Way to many of us are plagued with the disease of expectations. From a young age we expect things to go a certain way, and if they dont pan out then we become self destructive. Do you feel that you haven’t been living the life you want? Do you feel it is too late?
I am here to tell you from experience that I lived that way too and still have to work on it from time to time. I expected my life to go a certain way, and let me tell you it definitely did NOT turn out how I expected or even how I would have wanted it to go. But you know what? The day I changed my view on life as a time of expectations to be filled to simply a life to be lived, all that pressure went away. I try to only focus on the little things I can control, and let everything else in life be a pleasant surprise.
I dont know if this applies to you or not, but it sure helped me. Kill the expectations and focus on just living.
We are here for you.
With love,
Friend,
You are NOT selfish.
I want you to know that your existence is so valued friend. You are important.
You DESERVE to be here. You ARE here for a REASON.
You aren’t alone in any of this- I don’t exercise like I should, I don’t practice my religion like I wish I could- but that does NOT make you any less of a person. You are still LOVED in the eyes of the higher power and in the eyes of all of us here.
There is always a new day to try again- you are here for a reason. You don’t have to accomplish everything in one day.
Take it easy, take it slow.
Hold fast.
With love,
Lyss (ur old pal Blurryface)
Dearest @IsThereHope
I really want to say that I am so sorry that 8 years ago your life fell apart according to you and it might feel like the pieces are falling apart but you are not in these pieces. There is a song by Kelly Clarkson called Piece by Piece and she writes
“But piece by piece, he collected me up
Off the ground, where you abandoned things
Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me
Six years old and you know
He never walks away
He never asks for money
He takes care of me
He loves me
Piece by piece, he restores my faith
That a man can be kind and the father could, stay”
Yes it feels impossible to pick up all those pieces but you arent doing it alone. As you mentioned god is there for you he does love you. I am so sorry so much has happened to you but let me say this I can feel and understand that I was sexually abused for years of my life by a xfather I no longer have in my life but let me say this it never leaves me. I know it is there but I also know according to James 1 God never gives us anything we can not handle and that we need to look at those challenges and things as ways to grow not as something bad. You are being taught something your faith is being tested and you are learning how to grow through this. DO NOT GIVE UP. Take it one day at a time make a goal. We here at heartsupport have a discord and a twitch stream and on mondays they do a thing called dreamcrushers where people do a dream and learn to crush them like perhaps cleaning a small area of your house or getting out of bed for even 5 or 10 minutes. Just dont give up.
Hold fast
Ash
Thank you so much. I often put a lot of pressure on myself to be the best person possible simply because I am used to everyone in my life expecting that of me. Thank you for reminding me to relax and enjoy life.
Thank you. Sometimes I lose sight of why I’m here because I am overwhelmed with hopelessness that things will never get better. Fortunately I have come out of the rut of that way of thinking for now. Thank you for reminding me that what in do does not determine what I’m worth.
Thank you; I’m going to listen to that song now. I’m glad there are people helping me pick up the pieces. How does the discord and twitch stream work? I’m new here so I still don’t know where everything is.
I talked to him about everything. I am glad he loves me and is by my side.
I’m happy for you! Glad to hear that you were able to do that
Hey @IsThereHope,
I’m sorry that I’m a little late to your post.
I would tackle these one step at a time. It can be overwhelming to lump all of these together, thus creating more anxiety, and subsequently, depression. Once you’re able to accomplish all of the activities above, I believe that it will be a beautiful step in the right direction of your healing. I personally find cleaning therapeutic; it’s something that I can control and feel proud of myself for. Although it can be difficult while in the midst of depression, try to force yourself to clean. While you’re cleaning, you’ll also want to clean your body (i.e. staying hygienic). While you’re being active, you’ll want to continue by going for a walk or a light jog. This’ll make you hungry because you’re burning calories - after eating, you’ll feel sleepy and you’ll be able to sleep a little better at night. Once you feel a little healthier, you’ll want to tackle the world by looking for a job - this’ll result in generating income to help support you and your husband, thus feeling less selfish for wanting to live. See how there’s a domino effect going on? You don’t have to do what I said verbatim; I’m just demonstrating what it’s like to tackle things one at a time.
Whoever says God will punish you needs to check themselves. He is a God is love, and He genuinely cares for you and your well-being. In the meantime, perhaps continue attending (or volunteering) at a local church. Interacting with other people definitely helps relieve you of feeling weighted down by the world.
Anyway, I hope some of this helped. Please keep us updated! We care about you.
-Eric
Thank you for caring. I’ve started cleaning and already feel better.
@IsThereHope so the twitch stream is every weekday but wednesday and the stream multiple times throughout the day. But you make a username any one of your choosing. The discord is an app with a link I will share in a private message but you make a username and join. It is a big chat server for gaming typically and communities like that. It is totally okay to not know where stuff is. If you would like I will private message you and than we can communicate that way.
Ash
I have been in the same exact spot as you are in now. It is okay to not be okay. I just want to give you a huge hug, and even cry with you. I know the darkness you are walking through. I know I don’t know you, but I love you deeply and with understanding.
You are so beautiful, and so much more than what you see. Your heart and soul are the very reason why I love people. The transparency, realness, and raw unscripted emotions that we as humans face.
You have everything and more to live for.
The ones who love you, would be devastated if you left. Suicide doesn’t end the pain. It passes on to the ones you love and remains. If you take yourself out of the equation, the problem stays. The chances of you even being born, were 40 million to 1. There’s two parts of the statistic, amd I want you to live through one.
I feel strongly about this. Please listen to Suicide;Stigma by The Color Morale. If you are not into that type of music… Please read the lyrics. This song has helped me countless of times. It has also helped me hold on when I felt like I had nothing left. I feel like I have a strong connection to you. If you ever need anything, I am here for you.
I am praying for you. Also, you don’t ever have to feel selfish for living. That’s one of the bravest and most courageous actions ever. Love life to the fullest, even if you need all of us to help you get there. <3
Love, Ash
Thank you! I’ll check my messages
Thank you 
I’ll listen to it. Thank you for your encouragement to me.