I am a 16 year old panromantic demisexual female, and I go to a very conservative christian school. Everyday my friends and classmates make homophobic jokes and it makes me feel so horrible about myself. They say that gays are “not human”, “retards”, “dangerous”, etc. I’m christian and proud to be part of the lgbt+ community but hearing the things they say makes me feel ashamed and worthless. I’m not out there, because, well if I did come out I would probably be bullied, and I don’t think I could handle that.
Lately I’ve been having really bad anxiety and I think it’s connected to me being terrified of people finding out I’m pan, and I’ve been feeling really depressed too. It doesn’t help that my parents aren’t together anymore. They are still married and live together, but they sleep in different bedrooms and my mother is seeing someone else. It just makes me so confused and has hurt my relationship with them. I would love to see a therapist about my anxiety and recently depression but my insurance is horrible and won’t even let me get the CT scan I need.
Whenever my anxiety gets really bad and my mother wants me to leave the house and I can’t because stepping outside makes me have an anxiety attack, she’s gets angry and says to just suck it up. Sometimes I can’t even leave my room let alone the house. Her saying things like that make me feel so discouraged and even more worthless than I was already feeling. I have considered running away multiple times, and the only things keeping from doing that are my friends. I’ve also considered self-harm, but everytime I’ve put the knife to my skin I’ve chickened out of doing it, and I’m scared that one day I’ll actually cut myself, and not be able to stop.
I feel like I’m constantly on the verge of getting an eating disorder too, because some days I convince myself to never eat again to lose weight, but end up eating way too much and all I want to do is throw it all up. I’ve tried making myself throw up but then realise how horrible that is and immediately stop.
I just feel so hopeless and worthless and invisible. I feel like no one likes me and everyone just tolerates me. Whenever I have anxiety attacks at school I make myself look happy and cheerful to make sure I’m not disturbing anyone. I’m terrified of how much I’ve been thinking about death and self harm, and I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost.
Hey friend! Thanks for reaching out! That’s a big step to take, so i’m glad you did! 
i’m so sorry that supposedly “Christian” people aren’t really living out what they preach. You are a beautiful, Beloved child of God. You are human and created amazingly! I’m so sorry that they treat you the way they do. But the best one can do is love them back. Yes it’s hard, but love conquers evil. 
Maybe try talking to your mom about the way you feel. Try having an honest, serious talk with her about the way you feel and the way she is making you feel. Also, try reaching out to a school counselor or a teacher you can trust.
Hey man, if you feel lost, thats okay. We all do at one point or another. Gods right there with you fam. He’ll guide you all the way if you allow Him He understands and honestly He’s the best Pal to talk to
thought i might share this vid with you
Praying for you friend, there is so much life and beauty to be found in each and every moment. Know that we’re all on this journey trying to find it too. You’re not alone.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yD0q30uMSmw
Thank you. All of this has helped and the video helped open my eyes a bit. Talking to my mother would be a good idea. Talking to teachers and school counselors is out of the question because I don’t trust them and some of them openly talk about how “sinful”, wrong and horrible being queer is. I know God loves and me but sometimes I need to be reminded of that and you did, thank you.