I have been walking on my mental health journey since I was about 11 or 12, I was 13 or 14 when I first harmed myself, 21 when I finally got professional help, and I haven’t self harmed since a few months before I turned 22, and I am almost 26 now.
However still I can’t shake this constant nagging, this constant urge, to cut again. If I get a cat scratch, or most recently I simply itched my inner elbow to hard and it left a mark, any physical marking or indicator of pain on my body I obsess over. I stare at it and it feels like it’s on fire. In every aspect other than self harm I feel that I have a decent handle on my mental health. Every time something happens in my life I go through the same thought process;
“Take a bath and you’ll feel better”
Then a whisper in the back of my mind says “cut and you’ll feel better”
“No take your medicine and you’ll feel better”
And again “no no no hurt yourself it’s faster”
It carries on like this for some time. I always fight it, I don’t give in, but it’s a demon that I don’t know how to escape. I’ve been fighting these intrusive thoughts for over 10 years and still I can’t shake it. Is there anything to do, or will I be forced to battle this demon until it kills me? I feel so trapped by these thoughts.