Alright first I am going to say there is a lot of back ground to what is going on in my life. I have been struggling with a lot of health issues and a lot of mental health issues. I have been struggling for awhile and a lot is going wrong. I am openly going to admit that I am trying hard to not relapse back into choices that are unwise and big better coping skills but I am freaking worried that isnt going to keep going. Let me explain a little of what is going on.
So I had found a house to move into that was so perfect for our needs. We had plans to rent that house and it could mean that I could start my dream of getting a service dog program off he ground so that I can help get others like myself who sat in my shoes and were not able to afford a service dog. I want to use my talents of training dogs in order to train dogs to become services animals. When that ended up not working out because it ended up being just a scam and it fell through. Than a lot of other things just fell around me. My roommate was very mean to me and called me some names and other things and treated me like it was all my fault like I had failed us. Like I hadnt done enough. I ended up self harming. I ruined about 6 months of self harm free or more I lost count because I hate counting as than I just try to focus on that and get way more tempted to harm because I am so focused on that not loosing it. I am so so so so mad at myself over loosing that. LIKE I LEGIT KIND OF HATE MYSELF. I keep asking how could you do this. HOW CAN YOU BE SO STUPID. I hate that I fell all the way down I was so far, it had been so long for me, I havent been that clean in a long time. Also around this same time I learned my biological mother lost her sobriety with alcohol of 26 years. If she cant do that how can I do even 6 months how can I make it longer what the HECK am I suspecting of myself. I feel like such a failure. This has been about a week for me. And all my mind keeps thinking is how can I not want to do this. I have read over the relapse section rewrite and I want to get better I want to stop. Like right now I am so angry at myself.
Like I feel I failed those I love. Like I just failed those I tell it is okay to mess up because I am so mad at myself. Like do I have a right to be mad at myself for this. DO I REALLY. I am working hard to make new plans and put new options in place as I cant rely on my other options from before they didnt work. My action plan didnt work. I need to find something new. So much is going wrong and some around me are telling me I am a complete idiot for this mistake and so stupid for it. I feel like they are right.
1 Like
hey friend,
I’m sorry that you’re going through a rough time. It sounds like your situation isn’t that great right now.
I understand what you mean about relapse. I was about 3 years clean and I relapsed in February. It sucks. It hurts. I know what it’s like. But that doesn’t mean you’re a failure, or you should give up, or you’re a burden. If counting the days makes you stressed and want to relapse, then try to stop thinking of your health that way (it’s a hard mindset to get out of). I used to think that the longer you were “clean” the healthier you were. It wasn’t until I posted about my relapse on the support wall that I had a realization - during Dan’s stream where he went over my topic (it’s called I Relapsed Last Night if you want to watch it) he said something that really stuck with me. Being “clean” is a byproduct of being healthy. You can be unhealthy in so many other ways, regardless of if you are “clean.” Don’t get me wrong, not self-harming is something to be extremely proud of, but that shouldn’t be the only healthy thing/coping mechanism.
There’s also something I worked on with my therapist that’s a chain of thought worksheet. When you want to self harm, think about the things that lead up to that thought. The more detail you can provide and more ideas for preventing or redirecting those thoughts, the less likely you are to self harm. I hope this helped.
Hold fast <3
love,
sophic
First I want to say welcome to the community, and I’m so glad you are here and part of this community. I want to remind you that you are loved and welcomed here despite whatever you are going through, and you are never alone, and specifically in this struggle you are not alone as there’s so many people in this community that have had the same struggles.
I feel like I’m stealing Nate’s thunder here, but a lot of the advice I’m giving you is the same advice he gave me. So here it goes, first you need to stop focusing on days clean from this and start desiring freedom. What this doesn’t mean is that you should continue to self harm until you’re free from it, rather the desire for freedom from this addiction is what we should want and long for. “Recovery is a 2-5 year process with a miracle from God everyday.” I’ve heard this a million times and it’s so true, recovery is a process and is not going to happen overnight.
The next thing that’s been really helpful for me is journaling, I’m pretty sure this model came from the 12-Steps Program but I may be wrong. But most of the time when relapse occurs (with any addiction we go through these things), and it’s called the FASTER Scale
F- Forgetting Priorities
A- Anxiety
S- Speeding Up
T- Ticked Off
E- Exhausted
R- Relapse
So in my time journaling I go through these things, and I journal these everyday whether I relapse or not. And see what got me to relapse, and if I don’t relapse what stopped me from relapsing that day. I hope that this is an encouragement to you. And I just want to remind you that you are not alone!
I want you to know that your relapse doesn’t define you, and don’t see it as you losing your battle, your journey continues my friend. I’m here for you. Keep your head up.
Hold Fast, You’re Worth It,
Monkey
@disabledmetalfan the only true form of failure comes when you stop trying to do better. Whether it has been a day, a month, 6 months, a year, or 30 years…what matters not is that you slipped up; what matters is if you acknowledge that you slipped up and you make a conscious effort to correct it. That may only last for a day, but it is another day that you get to have another chance at pursuing a life without self-harm. To this day I struggle with it myself; nothing equal to what I used to go through, but come this November I will be free from it for 5 years. When something goes south, it makes one very vulnerable to slipping back into old habits that we once convinced ourselves to be a positive result. The physical pain felt better than the mental pain of dealing with what was going on around us. The best kind of perseverance is recognition and reaction. You recognized that you did something you told yourself you weren’t gonna do and it inspired regret and hatred.
I feel that to the deepest trenches of my being, because I have been there and know what it is like to regret looking back to a certain kind of numb that you used to be so used to. Harboring hate for yourself won’t help, but healing yourself with positive affirmations and self-love will create something brand new in you. That may take awhile, for some it takes significantly longer than others. I myself battle, to this very moment, with building myself up rather than tearing myself down. When thoughts of self-harm and unworthiness enter your mind, resist them and they will flee. Remove yourself from those thoughts, and they cannot control your mind’s progression to action. Do something you LOVE doing; whether it is watching a show or movie you know will make you happy, listening to your favorite music, going out and basking in nature for “nature always wears the colors of the spirit.” Go and admire the tree, look into the eyes of a squirrel, watch a bird soar with its wings. No matter how small their wings or how tiny their legs, they never stop and they always pursue.
You will make it out of this cycle…you just have to persist and never stop trying. <3
Hold Fast and Godspeed, my friend.
You got this!
Much love,
Shel