I feel like my whole life since I was 11 has been defined by how messed up my head is and how horrible and worthless of a person I am
I’m on medication and have received treatment via therapy for several years now, and I do have good days very occasionally, but more often than not I’m plagued by just how worthless of a human being I am, and how burdensome I am to others, no matter what this feeling always returns, sometimes in really violent moodswings
I work and go to school, part-time for both, but I’m not really accomplishing much of anything. The only reason I work is because I have to in this depressing system where money is required to get by, and I don’t even know how long it’s going to take me to get my degree because I can’t take the regular four classes a semester without getting overwhelmed.
Other than that, when I’m at home, I can’t bring myself to do anything, not even things I enjoy like video games. All I do is sleep or stay in bed on my phone. It makes me not want to eat or anything because I’m not even deserving of food with how much space I waste just doing nothing and helping nobody. Of course I eventually give in and eat anyway because I’m too weak to actually act on that
My parents are always having to help me with things like my car breaking down or paying off an unexpected vet bill or paying for my car insurance- my mom at least insists it’s fine and not to worry but I don’t know. Objectively all I do is take resources from them and, again, just sort of occupy space in my dads house without contributing anything. They’d probably be better off never having to worry about me again
What friends I have I’m constantly anxious about my interactions with them. After every meetup I begin to worry that they’re contemplating how we stand based on my actions of that day. I hate being vulnerable around them or talking about my issues because I’ve been on the other side of those conversations and I know hearing about it really isn’t fun. And that anxiety has increased tenfold since one of my friends had to see me horribly blackout drunk and covered with vomit on the floor and be with me the whole time just to make sure I didn’t die of alcohol poisoning or anything (though I kind of wish I did). Since then I’ve pretty much clammed up and am almost paralyzed with guilt, and that incident was a while ago. I just take and take from the people in my life constantly
I don’t know. One constant in my life is just how much I feel like a waste of space. My depression about this could be a lot worse and result in a lot of bad behavior to myself since I’m on my medication and it helps mellow that out, but it’s there nonetheless. Even so, I’m gonna be cut from insurance in a few years and back to square one anyway, so why bother? I know when I’m off of it it’s going to get me actively suicidal and there’s an honest chance I could die. I feel so hopeless
Sorry if this was really long. I’m just so lost and have nowhere to go because the ones I care about don’t deserve to share this pain. I put them through enough as it is
If you feel compelled to reply, please know I’m not religious nor do I ever plan to go down that path again. The first time left me very hurt and only worsened a lot of these feelings