Over the last few weeks I’ve hit what i guess is my rock bottom… The lowest I can be before a relapse anyway. My memory of what’s been going on is a little patchy - sometimes when I have a depressive episode, I forget it happened and I guess that’s going on now. I’ve threatened suicide to a level that scares the people around me twice in less than a week, something that I spent so long fighting not to do.
Whilst I wish I knew the cause for the extreme drop in mood, I guess it’s multiple things that I just really cannot dope with. The abuse at home has gotten worse - my father now occasionally hits me and does nothing but put me down, my sisters will say horrible things if I don’t do what they want and my mum sits back and watches unless she’s shouting at me. I’ve been trying so hard to help people I love that I let some abuse me to the point of relapsing in my self harm or nearly getting high and throwing out 141 days of hard work.
I can’t eat properly, I can’t sleep, I’m sketchy st best I’m taking my medication. Unless I have someone on my case telling me what to do I can’t even carry out basic tasks to look after myself. The worst part is, sometimes I really don’t know if I care. I’m struggling more than ever to find self worth. It’s impossible for me to love myself. I never have - I hate everything about myself. From the way I look to the way I rely on drugs to fix everything.
I only care about the people around me, my biggest fear is hurting and losing them - thing is, I know I’m not losing them, I just don’t know how to stop the hurt. No matter how much I try, whenever I tell myself I’m fighting for me, not the people who care about me, I get to a real bad place. I don’t know how to stop the pain, it’s getting too much. I’m so scared. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I’ve already done so much damage.
I just want to get better but I don’t know how. I’m incapable of running my own life but I have no one to teach me how. I never got taught that basic skill and now I’m paying the price.
Thank you for sharing. You mean so much to this community. I’m sorry you are having a horrible season. I have nothing to lift you up. I don’t know what I can do to help you.
It’s not your fault. If you never got taught how to properly look after yourself, you shouldn’t be expected to be amazing at it. It’s okay to struggle and it’s human to have weaknesses. It can be really tough not knowing exactly what’s causing the issues, the depression, etc. But I am really proud of you for having the strength to post this and reach out for support, and I am also really proud of you for staying strong enough to not relapse. I hope you continue to keep that strength, but if you don’t that’s fine too and we’re all human. But this pain really does have a purpose and you will get through this in time. I’m really sorry your family does not treat you well. That can’t help. This is what I suggest to everyone because frankly I think we could all use it, but maybe seeing a therapist would help you to work through things that are going on and move past it. Finding a healthy, quality therapist that you connect with well can help immensely. Maybe it’s worth looking. It doesn’t make you crazy or weird or incapable. It just means you are aware enough to understand that you want to get better and strong enough to get that support. There’s no shame in therapy or medication, it’s just expensive and difficult sometimes. I hope you find something that works well for you. We believe in you, and I believe you have a community here you can trust. Thank you again for sharing with us and I hope things get better. Take care and try to find some peace and rest <3
You are one amazing inspiring person I’m glad I met, and nothing they say or do can undo that. And you’re on your way out of that place of hurting. It can get better, and it will.
Self care is not an easy thing to learn, and anyone makes mistakes there. Learning it is always a work in progress, just like getting better. Not every step forward results in noticeable progress, but that doesn’t mean it’s not happening. Sorry to hear these days have been awful. I believe you can do to this day what you did to the last 141. There are days when just not falling back is a lot of progress, and this too is self care. Hold fast Kayla <3
If you need someone to push you into doing things you want to do. You could pay someone to be your life coach or if someone is willing to volunteer have a mentor. Also, a more reliable method is to go through your insurance and try to hookup with peer services (Certified peer specialist).