I’m not ok (I promise)

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So today I had a job interview at a place I was excited to work at and now my hopes are smashed. I honestly don’t really even want a call back.

I just hate how I am. I hate how awkward I am. I’ve gotten better but I’m still just awkward and I feel like that is never going to go away and it really bothers me. It’s like for a long time I’ve had the image of the person I want to be in my head and I don’t feel like that is ever going to become real. The person I want to be isn’t perfect and spectacular- they are just… better.

Not awkward, easy to talk to, easy to start conversations with- I don’t think I’m ever going to be that.

I feel stupid for applying to this job. My heart hurts.

People won’t leave me alone. It’s just everyday asking over and over the same questions. I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear.

Today I was so angry and I couldn’t keep it in, I couldn’t take it out constructively; I don’t think I relapsed but I know I was slamming my fists into the floor because I was just so mad. I was screaming and yelling and crying and I just wanted to slam my fists into my body.

I guess to simply put it I’m just not ok. I haven’t been ok for a long time. Things just keep getting worse and I just feel like I’ve failed my parents and I’ve failed myself.

I know I have people who love me and I know I have worth but it is hard to take those things and fight back against the hatred I have of myself. How I never seem to make my dad proud; my mom said she was proud of me today but I didn’t feel it.

Sometimes people just say inconsiderate things and I just start to hate myself.

When I say I’m worthless or a failure I know that I am not that to you guys, but it’s like I can never be enough for myself. I can never be enough for my parents, mostly my dad.

My mom won’t stop barraging questions at me every day. It’s just the same things over and over. Sometimes I just want to start yelling. I just get talked at. It’s like people don’t listen- they don’t get it.

I’m not ok. I might try to help people and shed some light in their day but that doesn’t mean I’m ok. I put on a fake face and get through the day.

Sometimes I think I’m doing ok, and then my parents come and they shatter it. When I say people don’t care it’s just easier to say that than admitting the people I truly talk about.

Today I just feel honestly defeated. My chest feels empty. I’m feeling lost. I’m not ok.

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_Don’t you know?
We’re still gold
Just another day we made mistakes
mistakes, mistakes)
Face the rain
Don’t walk away
There’s another chance to set it straight

It’s not too late to turn back home
And we were never meant to be alone
You know we’ve got each other

It’s not too late for two lost souls
We’re not the only ones to lose control
But we’re in this together
Yeah…

Every time you walk away,
I lose the one I need to save
I just paint it black
Like starting over!

Every time I lose a fight,
And I’m dying to be right
I just paint it black
So you remember!

This won’t last forever
It’s just another night
(Just another night, just another night, just another night)

Same old song
We sang along
Never knowing how it’s gonna end

I am here, with love my dear
We can let it go and start again

In my heart we share a home
And all the years that we have grown
You know we’ve got each other
So hear me out and don’t give up
The world is ours and with our love
We’re in this together
Yeah…

Every time you walk away,
I lose the one I need to save
I just paint it black
Like starting over!

Every time I lose a fight,
And I’m dying to be right
I just paint it black
So you remember!

This won’t last forever
It’s just another night
(Just another night, just another night, just another night)

So look in my eyes
Clear as the skies
You can see right through me
Your heart bleeds through me

No matter where you are
I won’t leave you behind
We’ll make it out alive_
We’ll make it out alive!

Every time you walk away,
I lose the one I need to save
I just paint it black
Like starting over!

Every time I lose a fight,
And I’m dying to be right
I just paint it black
So you remember!

Even on our final day
When you cannot find your way
I just paint it black
Like starting over!

This won’t last forever!
It’s just another night!

It’s just another night

It’s just another night

Paint It Black - Andy Black

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Hi there,
I’m so sorry for how you’re feeling at this time. im so sorry for how you’re hurting, and feeling like this. I just want you to know that you are undeniably amazing. you are so brave and strong for going to that interview to work towards getting a job, even if you don’t feel like you don’t deserve it or it wasn’t an accomplishment.
Self hate is so difficult to deal with. it feels like it has swallowed you up whole at points.
I want you to know that you are worth so so much and you can do so much. your awkwardness is wonderful. you probably think you’re more awkward than you actually are, but thats okay! please learn that your awkwardness is loved. everyone dislikes things about themselves, including awkwardness, thinking they’re annoying, loud, etc., but please know that these things are what make us, us. you will learn to be enough for yourself. it will take time, but that doesn’t mean that it’ll never happen,
I get it when you say people won’t leave you alone. thats hard to deal with these things that you’re going through and still have to put up a happy face and deal with others. but you can get through this. learn to tell people you need time to yourself, as hard as that may be to say. its okay to feel angry. its okay to not feel right. but please know that you have so many wonderful things to come! someday, you will learn to look at yourself as a beautiful, awkward, loving person, and you will continue to be strong! I love you so so so much. you are so loved, cared for, and others (including me) are thinking about you. so many people believe in you and know you can do it. please keep fighting :slight_smile:

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It’s hard to feel like it is physically beyond your ability to ever do what it takes to receive the love you so desperately crave. Makes it feel like worthlessness is the only reality you’ll ever experience because worthiness is in the hands of people who are eternally unimpressed with you…more than that, who are unswervingly disappointed with you…or perhaps worse than that, who are simply unaffected by you…that your performance and your presence don’t sway the needle in one way or another…they just feel the way they feel about you and it feels impossible to change their mind. There’s nothing worse than feeling worthless and absolutely powerless to make that change.

As you read in my post, I can relate a lot to this feeling of never stacking up. Except I was under the delusion that I could achieve the impossible standard I set for myself, so I just kept grinding my soul into the ground and hating myself for never hitting that flawless expectation.

I don’t have solid advice for you, as I’m going through the same thing, but I can share with you what I’m curious about…

I’m curious how to look at myself differently…how to change my expectations of myself…how to change the way I view failure, and how to change the meaning I associate with it…I know that different is possible, and I want it. Instead of grinding on the same path believing the ultimate achievement or the ultimate self-upgrade would be what bumps me into worthiness, I just have to take a step back and believe I’m missing the point. I’ve achieved some noteworthy things and felt no different about myself. This pattern I have in my head, this belief I have that “better” is how I’ll be loved…it’s not working, and it never has. So instead of trekking in the same direction, which I KNOW is going to get me the same result of self-hate, I’ve gotta change directions, AND I’ve gotta believe it’s possible.

So I’m getting curious – if I could be anything and not fear being inadequate, what would I be?
What is it that I admire in others?
And who am I today? Good bad and ugly…

I think the challenge here for you would be seeing the good, but being honest with yourself means allowing yourself to see the good too. There’s something incredibly profound about something my daughter said while we were playing in the backyard the other day…she was running and laughing and smiling her beautiful smile, and she says, “Ellie fast!” And then Pippa, our dog, goes BLAZING BY HER…sprinting circles around her, chasing the stick, running away from us…and that dog is lightning fast…and as Pippa bowls past her for the umpteenth time, Ellie says, “Pippa fast too!”

There’s something so beautiful about that simple statement…Ellie didn’t discredit her own perception of her own fastness just because Pippa was fast. Ellie was able to believe that she was fast AND that Pippa was fast…and just because Pippa was fast doesn’t mean Ellie isn’t fast! They can BOTH be fast. Ellie fast! Pippa fast too!

You can be lovely and sweet and hilarious and fun to be around and caring and compassionate and impactful…AND other people can be those things too – even in your mind they can be “more” those things, but that doesn’t make you any less. You can be fast too.

So maybe get curious with yourself…
What do you admire?
And who are you today?

I think the chances are we’re closer than we think!

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I love Andy Black and Black Veil Brides. Bvb helped me a lot through the years.