I’m not okay. I feel like harming myself. I am currently thinking about doing it, but honestly I’m scared to do it. I feel like such a failure at life. I ask myself why do I always get hurt? Why I’m I always a target? I developed an addiction of drinking. I know it doesn’t solve the problem but it does make the pain go away for a bit. I really think of harming myself. I’m I too nice ? Is that the reason why I’m always being the target of getting played? I don’t know what to do anymore. I really don’t want to keep drinking in order just to fall asleep. I want to be happy again. I hate my life so much. Please help.
Thank you for reaching out. As an addict and self harmer I can tell you that IT IS NOT WORTH IT. It will pull you down into a hell that feels worse than right now. I think that maybe Dwarf Planet would be helpful to you if you haven’t already got your hands on that and worked through it. Keep making the baby steps, reaching out here and fighting those thoughts. Let our voices be stronger than those in your head because you’re so worth it. You’re strong. You’re brave. You are cared for. You’re not a failure.
Hold fast.
Kayla
Thank you for posting here. Drinking and/or self harm will help in the moment. But in the long run, they won’t help anything. Then instead of just dealing with the issue that lead you to drink or self harm, you also have to deal with the consequences of drinking and/or self harming. Take it from someone who used to drink to deal with depression, anxiety, and stress. It isn’t worth it.
Keep reaching out to us. We are here. We will listen no matter how many posts you need to make. We’d much rather have you talk to us as much as you need to rather than the alternative of giving in to drinking or self harm.
Hold Fast. You are stronger than you know.
Hey @erick_ocampo,
I just want to encourage you to keep going. Keep fighting for joy. Keep fighting for good sleep. Keep fighting for a life you love again.
Find things you are passionate about and use them as an outlet when you feel the urge coming on. For me, it’s playing guitar and writing songs.
Have you read ReWrite? It’s HS’s book on self-harm and really helped me fight through it as well as other addictions in my life. If you don’t have a copy, I can get you one and mail it to you, just let me know.
Hold Fast my friend,
-SJ
Hey @erick_ocampo,
Thank you for reaching out. You’re right about alcohol not solving the problem, and I would encourage you to grasp a healthier way to cope with the pain that you’re experiencing. For me, exercising or going for a light jog makes me feel SO much better. Listen to relaxing music, or watch some comedy to boost your mood. You’re strong and you will get through this. We believe in you!
-Eric
Hey friend, like others have said (and I’m sure you know already) drinking and self harm are just temporary numbing agents that don’t fix the pain- they just put it off for a while. And really they make it worse. Because you’re still holding on to the original pain and now you’ve added on more with the addiction and the self harm. Like Sarah said, Rewrite is an awesome tool. And for the alcohol- have you ever been to AA? It might seem scary or too weird but I promise it’s a great tool to help. You’d be surrounded by people who get it in a way that no one else can. The recovery community is amazing and has been so valuable in my own life. I encourage you to check it out if you haven’t already.
Hey Erick,
First off, I will say it is OK to not be OK. That is something that I have personally had to learn and I have to remind myself in times of struggle.
I understand how easy it is to succumb to the urge to self injure- but friend I know you have the power in you to fight against it. I also want you to know that relapse is a part of recovery- for many, it does happen; for many it happens multiple times. It is a hard fight, but man I know you got it in you.
These are questions that I wish I had the answers to- but in my eyes I do not believe there are any true answers to these. It is understandable as to why you ask these questions to yourself- man, I’ve been there too. In 2016 My dad almost died, then my grandma died a week after we found out she had a fast spreading cancer, and then to keep it short my family fell apart. Through that time I was so lost- I was begging for an answer- and something I still feel guilty for is asking for certain things to happen just to have a reason to feel like I did. What I will say is God will never put anything in front of you that you can’t get through- or any other higher power or force you believe in will not give you a hurdle you can’t jump over.
Man do I feel that one. A big thing I struggle with is self worth. Just today I checked my AP scores and found out I didn’t do as great as I wanted to- I was sent spiraling into an anxiety attack and I couldn’t breath and it sucked. I felt like a failure because I didn’t get a 3 which is needed so you don’t have to take that class in college- or I wasn’t going to meet my parents expectations, or I wasn’t going to live up to the legacy of my sister’s scores. Man, it sucks. But all those lies are just that- lies. I know it’s so hard but when you hit that moment, and you feel trapped, like it won’t ever end- you gotta push through and flip around that thinking; you have to change those thoughts of how you are a failure to how you have accomplished so much and come so far in life. It’s hard, but with time it gets easier and easier. Something that I am making is called a positivity journal- so I write down healthy coping mechanisms for certain occurrences, I write down nice things people have said to me, I have pictures from kind people, I decorated it with stickers (even Heart Support stickers) because they make me happy. I also write down truths so I can look at them when the lies are screaming in my head. Here are some truths I know about you:
You are important.
You are valued.
You matter.
You are loved.
You are worth the fight.
You are brave.
You are an essential component to people’s lives and to this community.
I understand the feeling of just simply wanting to be happy again- the past few weeks I have just wanted to feel at least OK, to at least let things be OK for some time. What I want you to know is that it is possible to feel happy again and it will happen. It is impossible for things to stay crappy forever.
The question I will leave you with is what aspects of you life make you hate it?
Friend, we love you, we are here for you, thank you for reaching out. Hold fast.
With love,
Lyss (your old pal Blurryface)
@erick_ocampo, glad you are reaching out man. I want to thank you for being courageous and for willing to come on here to reach out. I want you to know, I have an understanding of these feelings you put.
Drinking was my go to because of like you mentioned: it numbs the pain for a while. I would numb the pressure I was feeling, I was trying to numb the stress of life, I was trying to numb the pain of loss. I continued to find myself struggling with myself everyday. The hatred and the desire to end my life was so great.
One thing that helped me out more than anything was keeping myself busy. I picked up longboarding and now I go and skate weekly around California. The biggest things I would say man is: finding things to do that make you happy. Mine is finding new coffee shops, reading, and other things I know will help me. Take the time to explore and find you Erick. Do the things you enjoy doing and take up things you have been interested in doing before.
You are worth it man. Your life has value and it has meaning. Don’t give up Erick. You are cared for and you have a lot of support. We hope to hear from you soon man! Let us know how we can continue to support you!