I’ve been working on my recovery for a while now, and despite the ups and downs of it, I think I see a worth in it all.
However, I’ve been feeling “not great” lately, and a numbness and a series of emotional pain has paid me a visit once again.
Thoughts, these voices in my head, that tell me all these lies are getting louder again, and even though I’m trying my best to work against them, my body is responding to them.
Now I’m thinking again that I need a reason to feel this way. I want a reason to feel like shit and something to justify my emotions and a possible act of self destruction. I’m feeling that if I only had a reason to feel all this once again, then at least it would make sense. Now, it’s just irrational and stupid, but if I only had a justification for it all, I’d feel better.
At least that’s what I tell myself…
And secretly, I’ve been hoping and wishing for something bad to happen, just so I can have a reason to feel bad and numb and to have a reason to drink again and do all the things I used to do.
I don’t want to do any of these, but I’m sick of dealing with all of this from time to time still.
If I only had a reason to why all of this is going on inside of me…
Now I’m even catching myself thinking “if I only had a reason to keep pursuing recovery and healing”…
Thank you for being so honest. It’s so brave and really courageous. It’s so hard not always having a reason for feelings but i found it has kept me so stuck when there isn’t a reason and has caused me question things which just led to more self hate. Lately whats been helping me is staying curious and not judging what I’m feeling. Recovery is worth. I know it can be really hard when feelings comes up and it sucks. What I do know is after my relapse it made it so so much harder to stop those behaviors and the shame caused the cycle to continue. So many times I wish I never relapsed because it’s a daily fight but to me it’s worth it to keep trying because the shame is too much. It’s not actually helping. My emotions always have a way of coming back up still in destructive ways. Do you have a counselor? It’s something that has been helping me to cope with emotions and get to the root problems. To not self sabatoge. I’m not perfect and it’s still hard and I still struggle but recovery is worth it. Hope you can find outlits rather music, journaling, art, talking with someone close to you. I’m sorry you are struggling. Such a hard place to be in. Keep reaching out and know you have support and are cared about here. Hope you can continue to fight and push forward
I feel that samething too man. Im recovery from self abuse and inner anger. Even when I was skateboarding today ( nothing went wrong) I felt wanted to hurt someone or be impsule. It bummer seen to never goes away. But it does time, you may some miss steps on the way. But it part of recovery process. I still dealing every single day and also have been off my meds for 6 months, and still alot to deal with. But you not alone man. Keep fighting.