So… I need to relapse, and I mean in every aspect of it, please help. I can’t lose my 8 months of clean time.
I’ve mentioned briefly before about the situation at work… I’ve had 5 ocassions of absense within 6 months, 2 of which are depression related, the rest for physical health problems… My manager refused to impliment any changes like he said he would give a go, and has instead handed it over to senior management, which I will be meeting with on Saturday… However, the manager assigned to the meeting is one of the strictest, and I’m not sure how this is going to go. I’m even more terrified about losing my job now that I know who is taking the meeting than I was before… They asked me if my most recent absence was triggered by something, and not feeling comfortable talking about it, I said no, it was the same ongoing thing, however, that was somewhat of a lie. It is to do with my depression, however it was made worse by me finding out my dog has lung cancer… I could tell her that, but her attitude will be “I’m sorry, but that’s what happens with pets”… Thing is, this dog has seen me through so much, and is what got me through my suicide attempt, which, I don’t know if I can talk to work about. The only person thatknows is my union rep (who will be there with me). I really don’t know what to do - I can’t lose this job, but I can’t just control my depression the way they are expecting… I’ve told them I’m doing everything I can to get better; attending therapy weekly, communicating with my support network, attending support groups (my NA meetings, but they don’t know about my addiction), and even propsed an idea to them on how to help me, but I know that now, its out of my hands and down to them.
My mental health has been on a decline the last few days, and for a while I was scared about the way I was thinking… I’ve gotten so close to relapsing recently and I haven’t told anyone, not even the people that were by my side DURING my active addiction. I’m already scared about fully recovering because of the amount of change that comes with it, and that causes issues in itself, I’m already having to prepare ways to avoid falling back to drugs in around 4 months when my dog does die, and I’m just running low on hope. The only time I ever feel good is when I’m able to do my part for this community in streams, or I’m helping other people… I really don’t want to relapse, and I really don’t want to die, but the thoughts of getting high, or even killing myself seem super attractive recently because I can’t see a good way out of my situation.
Please help me. I need you guys more than ever right now, I’m really stuck on how to deal with all of this in a way that doesn’t involve anything harmful to myself.
Kayla