I really don't want to accept myself

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Heart support,
I love you all and I’m not even sure if this is the right place to say this. I just have a lot of hurt and a lot of questions and I do not know what to do with it. I am so thankful for those of you who have been there for me. I hope I can give more of my heart. I am 24 and I am gay. I have been praying for a long time that hopefully I wouldn’t be.I have had a lot of friends who are LGBT and a lot of friends who are very christian. I feel like I have let only parts of myself out. God and family is my life and I feel like I’m being ungrateful. I wish I could just be straight. I’ve said years that Gods goodness is enough for me. Do I believe that if I want someone, if I dont want to just be single all my life and im tired of forcing myself to be straight.

for 10+ years Ive subjected my self to so much male on female pornography. So much straight things and I told myself if I could get into the heterosexual head space I would be ok. I would not be broken or tarnished and gosh I just wanna fucking cry, God. It is hurting my dad to see me be more outwardly gay , I was sexually abused by a baby sitter . I finally admitted to myself I may like men because my best friend of 15 years raped me on my 21st birthday and he was my first love. We just both could not face who we liked. My parents are very Catholic I think my dad still feel like this is all me Fd up in the head. and that suuucks. Im very catholic. I feel like Im being selfish, Im hurting my family and abondoning God, I dont want to fucking do this. My priorities in life have always been God first, Family second, me third. I am being selfish, Im going to counseling, taking medication and I feel like im finally working on this part of me that has felt empty. But i feel like I am saying F you to God and to scripture. I want to love but there so much hurt and anger and I feel like im being so damn selfish

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I was conflicted for years when I was younger about my sexuality. I didn’t know if I was as I was because it’s just who I am or if it was due to sexual abuse. I also didn’t even understand or fully know what it meant to be LGBTQ. I just thought I was different and something was wrong with me.

It was hard as I was trying to live a Christian life and build a relationship with God but I was told that how I was, was selfish. So it was hard to find comfort in the church and who I knew as my church family. I was afraid that they’d pile more guilt on me.

For me personally the church wasn’t the best place to receive help about these things. I feel like it’s too confusing and just makes it more difficult. Due to how most faiths believe. I was tormented with guilt for years.

I recommend that you keep talking to your therapist. Be open and honest about everything so that they can best know how to help you.

Love yourself. You are important and valued. Your feelings are valid!

I hope that you are able to find peace within yourself and who you are and find love and acceptance not only by others but yourself. Without that heavy weight of guilt. You are not selfish by being who you naturally are. You don’t need to be fixed.

I care for you as the person you are. :heart:️ And we’re here to offer you support.

-Kitty