Hello, I am new here. I really don’t know where to start. My husband and I have been married for 8 1/2 years and tonight we will finally come to terms with the inevitable. We will agree that we are ready, certainly not willing, but ready to call it quits. Oh God why???
My heart is so broken. I have cried so much. I am such a mess. I don’t know what to think or feel or do. I’m so lost. I’m so tired. I hate myself.
For the past several years I have battled depression and taken everything out on him. I have been an emotional burden to him. I have treated him so poorly. Through all he has done to support me I have repaid him with anger and uncontrollable emotional outbursts. I never made him feel happy, wanted, respected or loved. I failed him in
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(sorry i hit the wrong button) I have failed him in so many ways and I can’t forgive myself.
I started counseling this year only to find out he has been having an emotional affair with someone at work. This crushed me beyond belief. But I know it’s because of what I put him through.
We started marriage counseling and there was hope at some point but he will not end his friendship (he says the affair is over) because he needs someone to confide in and she understands him.
I can’t get over my jealousy and tend to have more outbursts which is what drove him away in the first place. Last night the verbal fight was so bad I know there’s no going back and it’s all my fault.
How do you deal with pain you are responsible for causing in the first place? I’ve lost everything.
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I know sometimes it can be hard to hear the truth or even let it in. When you got married it’s vows of sickness and health. To be there for each other. No where in it does it say you have to carry all these burdens by yourself. I understand how hard it is to struggle with mental health and how it can affect my spouse. I also understand that my husband took a vow to support me no matter what. It’s not your fault and it’s way to heavy for you to carry this burden. I’m sorry he couldn’t be there for you in this time when you needed him most. I’m sorry he hurt you so deeply. You did not deserve this at all. You didn’t ask to have depression or struggle with these things. You lashed out not because your a horrible person but because you are human. It’s breaks my heart he could not meet you where you were at. That things couldn’t work out. I’m sorry you feel like it’s all your fault. Marriage is between two people it’s not just on you. I hope you can take time to grieve this and maybe see a counselor and start to find a place of trying to forgive yourself. I know it’s hard when the lies are loud and mean but it’s possible to find freedom. To not live in self hate all the time. It’s possible to even start to manage your symptoms of depression. I know it might seem overwelming and like a long road up but please please know you deserve to get help, to rebuild yourself to talk about all the pain this has caused you. To even forgive yourself even if it takes time. My heart hurts for you.
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Try to take this one day at a time. You have a lot of grieving to do. And this isn’t solely your fault.
Try to fall in love with yourself. I was taught: self-care leads to self-love. Just take it slow and easy. Forgive yourself every day. And continue with counseling.
Forgive yourself every day. Just keep doing things that contribute to your growth. Visit with friends, journal, set goals, go to counseling.
Forgive yourself every day.
Forgive yourself every minute of every day.
You will find love. Love for yourself. It takes time.
I went through a similar situation. It took 4 years, but things got better. I love myself. And I did something stupid a couple of hours ago…and then forgave myself.
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I’ve been married over 8 years and both my husband and I have been the cause of a lot of strife in our marriage. I even had an emotional affair which I thought was just friendship until I realized the person was interested in me romantically and only there as support because of his romantic interest. The problem is that you BOTH have waited too long to do anything about this. It is not just your fault, he Chose to not do anything and not say anything or communicate how you made him feel. You want to blame yourself but you are ignoring the lack of effort on his part as well. While admitting you are at fault is important, taking all the blame when both are at fault is not healthy. At any point he could have talked to you and tried to make things better. Maybe he didn’t realize how bad it was, maybe he tried to justify your behavior, who knows. But it sounds like you are both in need of a lot of emotional maturing before either of you can have a healthy relationship. Therapy can only help so much, I’m on meds for my depression and I take a root extract for anxiety and it makes my life better and how I treat other people. My husband is on meds too and it helps our communication when we are both making the effort to be aware of how we present ourselves. Spend less time playing the blame game and more time playing the change game. You both need to make equal effort in this for it to work. You need to recognize when your depression and anxiety is getting out of control so you can make the adult decision to walk away until you can calm down and talk about things rationally. He needs to communicate better. You both should be seeing individual counselors too. Chances are you each do things that aggravate the other person and yourselves but you are both so caught up in the stress and anxiety that you aren’t communicating and can’t realize the real issues. If it doesn’t work out, take it as a lesson and learn from it. You can’t change the past but you can grow from it.
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