I think I'm afraid to fully recover

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I’m terrified of fully recovering.
I know that sounds ridiculous… Why would I be scared of actually living a full life? I’m asking myself the same question.

The last week or so has been a huge rollercoaster of emotions that I don’t understand - and some that I really don’t like. For a few days I felt like I was doing really well - I was in a good place mentally most of the time, but, since Monday, things have started decline rapidly… I’ve been feeling unimportant to the people who say they care about me, even when they take the time out of their day to talk to me… I’ve been feeling underappreciated by the people I’ve tried to help, and the people I continue to help… It’s been really exhausting me trying to work out where all of this is coming from, because, I know these people who say they care, do really mean it… I mean, they wouldn’t do the things they’ve done for me if they didn’t.

I’ve been trying hard to keep doing the next right thing, eating properly, sleeping, writing, praying, reading different bible plans and my Narcotics Anonymous literature, attending meetings and sharing… I’ve been staying honest with my therapist and sponsor too, but, nothing seems to be helping me out of this hole I’m in right now, and, I think I’ve only just worked out why.

I’ve spent nearly 13 years self harming and 7+ years stuck in active addiction, and now, at 9 months clean from all drugs, I’m still not comfortable with having to feel everything, and not be able to just “disappear” for a few hours when things get too much… This is where my self harming has come back to surface… I’ve broken 1 habit and that was a big change. I’m on a new schedule, which, because of my issues around food, is another big change. I’m scared of letting go of the self-harm and not having any familiarity. I keep being told I need to hand it over to God, stop acting on my own will and act on His will for me instead - which, I got better at for a while. I just seem to have taken this area of my life back, and I’m not sure how to overcome the fear of letting it go. I mean, I’ve handed over most of the other things, so, why is this any different? Why can’t I do it?
I’m scared of what’s around the corner. I know that whatever it is, it’s a part of His plan for me, but, this is all still very new to me, and I’m terrified, so I’m hanging on to that last little piece of my sickness which is just manifesting into self depricating thoughts all over again and making the abuse from my family and comments from other people so much harder to handle…

How do I get over this fear? How do I hand this back over? I want to learn, and I want to get better. I’m just afraid of what will happen when I let go of that last little piece.

Kayla

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Kayla, my sweet Kayla,
I honestly get so sad when I see you upset. It’s hard seeing one of the greatest assets of HS beating herself up so much. What makes it worse, is I wish I could be of some service to you. I hope you know I am one of those people who care for you. I’m going to bug you until that day you tell me to stop.
So I totally understand, feeling sometimes as if people don’t show the same level of commitment that you are putting out. If that’s what is throwing you out of balance, maybe stop for awhile. Stop trying so hard to please other people. I know that sounds really bad, but at the end of the day, YOU come first! I’m not sure if it is more irl friendships you’re speaking of, or online ones, but just let them simmer for awhile while you take a break.
I sometimes take breaks from all social media, and it really does help to recharge. Plus, it may even bring your mind some peace by showing who steps forward while you’re away. This is going to be some tough love right here. I understand people have lots of stuff going on in their lives, but if you truly feel as if they are putting you on the back burner, weed some of those people of your life. It’s really not worth putting your health on the line, if certain people aren’t putting out to return the generosity you are giving.
Also, I am a firm believer in God, but you are still in the drivers seat. I might be taking what these people are telling you out of context, but you are the one who has to live this life. It’s your responsibility to get you affairs in order, and seeing as to how you’ve gone 9 months sober, I think you’re doing a great job. I know it’s still hard to overcome the urges of certain things, but don’t let them win over your progress.
I hope maybe this will help you a bit. I always feel so guilty, I wish I could be of more assistance. Just know I’m always here for you, and you are always welcome to message me. Plus, there are so many other people in this community who’ve got your back! I hope this time of darkness goes away for you soon Kayla, you deserve to be at peace.

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Kayla,

I’m going to agree with Hold here, but also add some stuff to it. You need to find happiness in yourself, rather than in relationships with other people. Cause if you continue to do that, your feelings won’t stop. If you can’t be happy with yourself, and you are relying on others to live, and to be happy, that’s extremely unhealthy.

You’re talking to someone who had everything and everyone they loved ripped from them in a matter of like an hour, and had to be okay with having nothing and having no one but me myself and God. You need to be able to do that. You rely on others, and you will be hurt, you will question whether or not they really care, because you find your life value in others. I encourage you to change your mindset on that.

You need to get to a point in your life and your recovery, that if everyone left your world wouldn’t come crashing down, you could continue on your recovery, and continue in life. Because listen people come and go, and people have lives, they have families, they have futures. And to expect anyone to be there 24/7 to constantly and for forever be there to walk along side you and hold your hand is an unhealthy expectation, and all you’re doing in setting yourself up for hurt and pain.

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We’re all very important assets to the community… I’m nothing special.
I probably worded that a little badly, I’m sorry. They mean, I should be handing over the things I can’t control. So, all of the thoughts and things that are triggering my self-harm, it’s all out of my control, I just feel the need to control it all, I shouldn’t. I can trust Him with other things, but, it seems in relation to things that trigger the need to harm, rather than get high, I can’t say the same. :confused:

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Hi, Kayla,

There have been a lot of times that I have also feared that same thing. And mostly it was because I think I feared how people would see or look at me. I was afraid I’d getting better because I feared people would suddenly start raising their expectations of me. I’m always afraid that if I show that I’m doing better that people will just assume everything is cured and start expecting all of these things out of me and I’ll just break. I’m afraid of being seen and treated differently and then failing.

A lot of people care about you, Kayla. Including myself. I don’t always know how to help you or how to fix what you are feeling. I don’t always know what to say, but that doesn’t take away from the love and care that I have for you as a person and as a friend. There are even moments where I want to be of more help to you and others but I’m going through so much that I don’t talk about here, so I’m not always in the best place to. But that never takes away from how much you mean to me or anyone else in this community. There’s so many of us that want to help, love and support one another but realistically there are going to be times where we can’t because we battle things ourselves. But don’t see that as someone not loving or appreciating you.

But I understand this emotion because I battle through so much of it myself. It’s hard for me to tell sometimes when people are being genuine when they say they care or they love me. I want to believe it but there are so many times I have believed these things and then been hurt. So I get it. I’ve been there. But I think it’s safe to say that the people in this community try their best to be there as much as they can be. Even if sometimes we get burned out. I know you know how easy it can be to get burned out sometimes. We can’t all be available 24/7. So don’t think we don’t care if we can’t be there every time you need. We love you. Maybe we can work on some things to help you get through your recovery and your process even in the moments that people are not readily available. I’m currently trying very hard to do this. I spend a lot of my days alone, have a very small social circle and have no family so a lot of my healing process is alone. But it’s possible. In the end we have to help ourselves anyway. Yes a healthy support system is good to have along the way. Good friends, but in the end others can only do so much and we have to learn to fight for ourselves and find our happiness. We have to learn to find a way to move forward and not rely so hard on others. This has been my most difficult task since in so many ways I rely heavily on others.

I’m not very good at explaining how I feel or what I mean. So maybe this is all coming out wrong and not making sense and not even helpful.

The point is, I love you and I care. I may have moments of not knowing what to say but I’ll still always be here to let you know that I value you. I care. I want you to be okay. And I’ll still be standing here as you fight through your journey rooting for you. And I hope this is enough. You’ve been very supportive of me since we’ve met so I hope I can give to you the same.

I’m not religious anymore, but I spent a great amount of my growing up and early adult life in the church. I found a great sense of comfort there. In your moments of fear and hurt, reach out to your church family and pastors. Ask them to pray with you. Ask for guidance. This can be so healing for you along your recovery and very healing. Especially for your spiritual life. Get involved in bible studies and groups with people your age and open up about your struggles. Let people pray with you and offer you spiritual guidance. This may be helpful as for so many years it helped me.

Pray. Start a prayer journal. I found this helpful. I would write out my prayers. I would write out scripture and I’d just talk and cry to God about it till I felt better.

Write out goals. Big goals and then little goals that you can do to achieve your big goals. And start with baby steps. It’s a hard process but I know that you have it in you. You are such a strong person. And each day you are growing stronger. Sure you may have days where you slip. We all do. The most important thing my beautiful friend is that you get back up. Get back up. If you do that, you are succeeding. And then continue to take one small step after the other. Keep looking forward. Allow yourself to be human. If you trip. We all do. Just keep getting up.

Love you, Kayla

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@anon17277947 I sadly don’t have a church family right now - my parents have very strong views on these things and track my every move pretty much - right now it’s safer for me to continue with watching the online services and doing the reading plans that’s casey sent me… once I get to move out, things will be able to change.

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Man, I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s entirely unfair to be robbed of your ability to go to church and express your faith and spirituality. But just the same, the prayer journal, writing scriptures, that’s still a thing. Even if you have to do it in an online blog. And can be so healing.

And everything else still stands. :heart:️

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