So this is a rant, me yelling about my feelings etc, so sorry if it doesn’t make sense or flow at all!
As far as being authentic, and open about where I’m at, well I’ve struggled with that, honestly struggled with it for awhile now. And I’ve tried to equate it back to something else. And well the first thing my mind goes to was when my stepmom smacked me across the face when I told her that I was suicidal. So sure now it’s like when I reach out, I’m not really in fear of that happening again, but I just expect my feelings to be overlooked and dismissed, and well seen as stupid or invalid, or me just being over dramatic. Also me constantly feeling like other people need the support more then I do, so I just try to give them the support, and I just bottle up all the stuff I have going on. Which sure in the end probably hurts me more, but I also live my the logic that I don’t want to bring other people down with me in the process.
Sorry this is going to jump around a lot because I’m kind of just typing as I feel things, so I can attempt to get it all out and process things. Now as far as hiding goes, well that’s a whole other story. I hide and isolate for many reasons, a lot of these we’ve already talked about, but like I think some of them are specifically important to this situation. 1) Shame (usually occurs after a relapse or multiple) 2) Anger (over everything going on and just wants to be alone) 3) Anxious (that someone is out to get me, or that I’m going to be hurt) 4) Not caring/wanting to give up (feeling like this is the end so I pull away from everyone because well it doesn’t matter anymore. I feel like this list could honestly go on and on. But those are four main things I realize going on when I pull away and attempt to isolate from the community but also from people in general.
Now, on to the topic of my mother. That’s tough! I have mixed feelings, especially after she reached out to me today, and I kind of brought this up to Danjo on stream yesterday but it’s hard. To quickly sum up what happen we got into an argument, and she pretty much told me I was a mistake, and a terrible person etc. Mind you I hadn’t talked to her in almost a year, and the only reason she reached out to me was for money, so she could support her drug addiction. Like if it was a non family member doing and saying this shit to me I would have cut them out in a heart beat. Or even if it was a significant other, I would like to believe I would do the same thing… But when a parent it’s just different. It’s not as easy to just be like uhmm well I’m just going to block her and never talk to her again and that’s it. Well unfortunately I can’t do that. For a few reasons, first because there’s a younger sibling involved. My younger sister is 16 and lives with my biological mother, and I love her to fucking death. She has her own struggles with mental health and identity as well, so I also feel like it is my responsibility to be there for her, and help her in anyway possible. I don’t think it’s fair to punish my younger sister, just because I don’t want to be in contact with my mother anymore, or even have a relationship with her anymore for that matter. She wants me to come visit her for Christmas this year, she says she wants to rekindle the relationship. But yet look at the shit she said yesterday, how does she expect that relationship to rekindle and be healthy.
As far as responding on the wall, I made it one of my goals to try to respond to one post a day and I just can’t. I set up that goal and I guess set myself up to fail because honestly there was no way I was going to be able to do that. My heart couldn’t handle it. And especially right now I feel like I’m in the place of trying to pour out of an empty cup and it’s not working out in my favor. And honestly it’s making me feel worse and feel more empty. But yet I know those people deserve that love and support so I then make it my responsibility to make sure it happens.
Now as far as relapses go and guilt and shame and apologizing I still struggle with that. I’ve pretty well spent my entire life apologizing. Whether it was for things I specifically did or not, or whether I had control over them it was what I did to defuse the situation, try to avoid the person from leaving, stopping loving me/supporting me etc. I’ve been constantly relapsing, and constantly feeling empty and just as worthless as before. Honestly I did better mentally when I wasn’t trying to not relapse, then I am now that I’m trying not to. Now when I say relapse it’s three things (porn, self harm (cutting and burning), and taking pills (xanax or pain killers). I’m starting to believe the recovery isn’t for me and maybe it’s not, maybe I’ll be stuck her forever.
But I can say one thing for certain, if I continue down this road, I won’t live to see graduation in May, and to be honest that’s pretty freaking scary to think about. I feel like I’m slowly fading away, and I feel like I can’t continue down this road. I love you guys a lot, and I love this community. I feel like I need to be a better member of this community, and I promise you guys I do try. And I’m sorry I’m not good enough.
Love you guys! Hold Fast, You’re Worth It,
Monkey