I hope you guys aren’t tired of me. I’ve been on this wall so much recently.
I’m so ashamed of what I’m about to write, but, I know there’s no judgement here.
On Friday, there was some things happen that really got me down, I was feeling an overwhelming amount of guilt, and suicidal thoughts were flooding in… I believe I made a post about this before, but to cut the story short, I was watching Danjo’s stream with a few other community members that I love to pieces, but, I got up and self harmed instead of reaching out, knowing I was in a safe place.
Anyway. I didn’t only harm that night. When I got back into my room, I sat back down to continue watching the stream feeling some relief, but, I guess, I didn’t get all the relief I needed because I continued to write a further 2 notes… Including one to the community as a whole… I threw them away today before I even thought about sharing what it said with everyone, I’m sorry. I seem to be going to the idea that writing these letters out is a good idea, when really, it’s the complete opposite and if anything, it’s going to be more of a reinforcement to the suicidal thoughts…
I don’t know why I’ve started doing it, but I have… I know I shouldn’t, I’m just not sure how I stop now that I’ve started.
I could never be tired of you. This is what this wall is here for. If you need to post on here 1000 times before you start to feel better then I want you to do that. We’ll always be here for you.
You don’t have to feel ashamed. Shame never helped anyone with mental health issues. Depression, self harm, suicidal thoughts, those things are so hard to overcome and fight. But I am so proud of you for being honest about what happened on Friday. You know, if those letters are hurting you more than helping, maybe treat the wall like your letters. That way other people can see them and read them and point out the lies your brain is telling you. I think it shows you are very smart and self aware that you can see that those letters aren’t good for you. And I don’t think they are either. But if you still feel the need to write something try writing down the things you love and the things you want to stay alive for. I had to do that in therapy and it helped some. You can write anything. I think for myself I wrote staying alive for a new Paramore album and seeing my brother get married and eating cheese cake. It helps get your mind off of your pain just for a second and focus on the positives in life. Big or even very small. We love you, Kayla. And the fact that you are still alive, here, and breathing is a beautiful thing. Stay strong my friend.
Kayla, we will not judge you. I’ve been around HeartSupport for a year now, I’ve seen how hard you work, how much you care, how honest you are. You bring light to this community and we’re so happy to have you.
You don’t need to feel shame. No one here will think any less of you for relapsing. No one will judge you for writing the notes - yes, if it’s self destructive, we’ll encourage you and try to help you to stop that habit. But so many of us have struggled with self destruction, and many of us still do, we know how difficult it is. But there’s no shame in any of it.
No one is getting tired of you. We don’t minf that you’re writing on the wall a lot - that’s literally what it’s all about! You know this too, and I know you would say the same thing to anyone else needing to get something out. It’s just so much harder to be as understanding and gentle towards yourself.
We’re here for you, whenever you need us. You’re valued and loved. Hold fast. ️
Hey Kayla,
You’ve helped me a lot, how could I not want you around?
We all fall down sometimes. It’s okay. We can get back up. These notes don’t help you, your demons disguise it it’s not going to help even though it may feel like it.
We can be so self destructive, but remember what we’re fighting for. Ourselves.
You may think that you’re not worth it, and don’t listen to those lies.
You’ve helped so many people here, Kayla. You’re a angel in disguise, and we’ll always be here to help you too.
Thank you for being honest. I cannot relate to your situation of self-harm. I don’t have anything to fix your problems. I wish I can. The best thing I can do is to give you the love you need. Don’t feel ashame. This community got your back. Keep fighting.
Hey Kayla!
I want you to know that we love you! I know i haven’t met you in person, but girl I can tell that you are a strong, vibrant, gracious woman. That’s amazing! Honestly dude, i’m proud of how far and how strong you are. And it’s okay to not be okay, to not feel strong. I’m just happy that you keep going. That’s such an inspiration man. You are amazing. Know that you don’t have to carry this is alone. God is there for you and so are we. He’s with you and girl He will help you.
One thing i encourage you to do is that when you start feeling the urge to write these notes, is to write ones of encouragement to yourself. If you want, ask God to give you the words. Speak life and Truth over your life. Write about what you like about yourself, what you like about others. Instead, write letters to yourself about the amazing woman you are becoming. I’m proud of you sister. Keep going. There is still life beyond the pain. We love you and praying for you.
️