What up friendships, it’s your boy zero.
While I’ve made leaps and bounds over where I was a year ago, lately I’ve been feeling myself falling back… hard.
Between being a job that doesnt appreciate me, bills piling up that I’m in the process of fighting because they’re incorrect, and other stuff I’m burning out.
Lately, I’ve found myself failing to maintain my house, and just withdrawing from people again. Even at night I just sit in my chair, alone, and eating myself inside asking myself questions like “Why cant I find a new job?” “Why cant I improve my ssituation?” “Why cant I be more than I am?” And I feel that anger and frustration and lonliness that I thought I had put down, bubbling back up.
I feel like a failure often. I try to reach out to people, but my normal way of doing so is gaming, and as of late when I reach out to go “Hey, want to play something?” So I can be social, so I can keep myself from falling back into myself everyone is busy, has moved onto a new game, or doesnt respond at all.
Now I’m also a streamer, and while my community is dope, it’s hard to maintain that line between Jay the Steamer and Jay the dude who’s not Ok. While I’m open with them about my bad days, at the same token I cant really dump my head on them, it’s not why the come around.
So because of my anxiety whenever anyone doesnt respond, or says they’re busy, or moved on, my brain goes completely irrational and goes “Nobody likes you. If they did, theyd play with you.” And it sends me down this path of loathing I’ve worked hard to escape.
I’m starting to feel like the “needy friend” and to be honest, I hate that feeling.
To put it simply, a tldr if you will, I feel like I’m slowly imploding and becoming that dude I fought so hard to not be anymore and I don’t know what to do.