I'm about to lose my mind

Quick intro about my past… I married a guy I met during college at the age of 22. We were together 3 years before we married. We lived together, We did long distance, and then We lived together again with his parents (not healthy) then we lived separately again due to schooling and then back together before we got married. Life was awesome with him in the beginning but then he became abusive after we married. Mentally, verbally, and physically. BUT we still had some good times together. We made better friends than lovers. It was like a whirlwind, our relationship. When he would abuse drugs or drink is when he would get violent with me. He beat me down to my lowest. But I made a commitment. I’m a Christian and knew divorce was wrong. but I knew what was happening was grounds for divorce. I stayed. And we decided after almost 2 years of marriage we’d start a family. Well I ended up not being able to get pregnant that easily (Now that I look back I know it was God saying this isn’t right). While going through fertility treatments, I found out my husband was cheating on me with a co-worker. We went to counseling and it was obvious he wasn’t going to stop seeing her so I had to make the call for divorce. I wanted to die. That pain that I had to endure was horrifying. I felt so alone. And instead of listening to my family and friends and taking time to heal my soul, I jumped on ChristianMingle and ended myself up in another relationship. Who in turn is a wonderful guy but I ended up marrying him 2 years later and even though I thought I loved him, I feel like it was more out of spite towards my ex husband. (Like a HAHA I don’t need you, I’m doing just fine on my own). I know this was wrong. And there were many times I told my now husband that I made a mistake and I should have waited. He is a great guy, but we don’t have the same goals in life. And he is an avid gamer and has emotionally neglected me for the past 3 years of our marriage. I’ve been very unhappy and like I am missing out on life. All I do is go to work, work out, get things done around the house and repeat. Recently I reconnected with a male friend who my husband and I use to communicate with but my husband cut things off from him for personal reasons. I continued contact here and there throughout the years and my husband knows this. I went to meet him and tried to get my husband to come along but he wouldn’t and told me to go alone. Well I went and now I have very deep feelings for this guy. (I have always had feelings for him, We connect on so many levels, we have the same goals in life, our minds are parallel). My husband knows I love this man. And I told him after all these years of him emotionally neglecting me and not meeting my needs and me giving 100, I’m just spent. He is making great strides to change but my feelings just aren’t there for him anymore. I feel like a piece of shit for doing this to him because he is a great guy, I just feel like he’s not for me. And truly I feel he is just scared to lose me because I have made his life so easy all these years. I know what most people may think… this guy that came back into my life is the reason I want to leave my now husband, but it’s really issues that lie deeper. I’ve been telling him for years I should have never married you, my ex treated me way better and he hit me. Awful things like that. And they never phased him. My guy friend who came back into my life is away in the army so there’s no way I could even begin a relationship with him. I feel so lost and confused and I have swirling emotions going through my body because I want to do what’s right in God’s eyes, but I also feel deeply that God wanted me to wait to remarry and I didn’t. Out of spite. I’ve been trying to suppress these feelings with alcohol and pills and I’m afraid one day that’s just gonna take me. And I KNOW that is not a solution. But somedays the pain and feelings are too much for me to bear. My husband and I will be going to see a counselor in about 3 weeks. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I wish I would have waited to remarry. I wish I gave myself that time to myself and God. I have had this very strong urge for the past year to just get away from everything. Travel by myself and just learn to be okay on my own. Not to rely on a man. The past month I have been doing a lot of research on solo trips and places to just get away to. And I’m digging more into my church and am going to connect with a girlfriend tonight to talk about all this. What I really want to do is separate and give myself time to heal from that first relationship and let my soul catch up to me. I want to learn to love myself for me. And later down the road whoever it leads me to whether it’s my husband now or another man, I’ll be ready. Sorry this post might be all over the place. I’m not very good at articulating my thoughts and feelings. I tried my best. I just needed to get this all out there. Im 30 and feel like a complete failure in life.

@lostchandelier, we all fall down and that’s okay. What you can do now is what’s best for you. Cause it sounds like you haven’t given enough attention and value to yourself.
Be honest with your current husband. I know it can be difficult, but you both deserve to get it out there. And you’re both going to be stuck if you don’t do anything. It’s better to tell someone the truth of how you feel towards them than to give them false hope.
I think spending some time alone will certainly help. Just going to find to isolation in nature and finding what makes you happy and what makes you angry.
You have to fix yourself before you put yourself before others.
Hold Fast, hope this helps :slight_smile:

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Thanks for your response @Bvblover16! <3

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