Hi all. My name is Devin. I’m 27 and I live in Texas. I suffer from depression, anxiety, and several years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD.
Growing up I was always the shortest kid in my class. Today I’m like 5’4. I think the worst time in my life was back in Jr. High, It was the first time I considered committing suicide somehow. I was bullied very badly in the 9th grade. I couldn’t wait to get out of that school and make my way to high school. I was very depressed and I thought I wasn’t going to make It, but somehow I did and high school was better for the most part. High school the bullying came to a standstill, but I was very alone. I hardly had any real friends. My old grade school friends did something bad to me in the middle of high school on MySpace.com that resulted in an old girlfriend breaking up with me. I got out of high school and decided that college could wait for a while. I didn’t feel like going through a repeat like my final years I spent in high school, so instead I decided to go into the military.
I joined the US Navy and became a Corpsman. I served for 8 years and did one deployment to Afghanistan. My career in the military was for the most part satisfactory but at the end of my contract I couldn’t wait to get out. Afghanistan was overall a bad experience. All the trauma that I witnessed was bad. I came back home different. To make matters worse a couple of months later I lost a close family member, and had to watch him die. After that I pretty much became an alcoholic. I was drinking to forget all of It. All the gore, the losses, the blood and guts I’ve seen, but nothing worked. I was really losing It. So I sought out help from the VA.
I went to my nearest VA hospital without my parents knowing. The VA panicked over me, and they put me in what I like to call “the bad place”. “The bad place” is a mental hospital. I hated “the bad place”. They make you stay in a room with another person who is far crazier than you. They invade your privacy to make sure you aren’t going to kill or hurt yourself. I had to talk to multiple shrinks. I had to get out of “the bad place” so I begged them to let me out and reassured them I wasn’t going to kill myself. They cut me loose, but made me see a local counselor and psychiatrist every week, and they nearly put me in AA, but I talked them out of It. They also put me on some meds to even me out and help me with the trauma I had to see. Another few days later they officially diagnosed me with PTSD. I never told my family this. To this day I am still keeping all this a secret because I don’t want them to worry.
My therapist really helped me deal with my problems. She was very calm and understanding. After months of consueling she helped me find direction in my life. To make a long story short, I went back to school and earned some certifications and a degree. Then I started a brand new chapter in my life as a civilian - I became a Firefighter/Paramedic. I really enjoy doing what I do. Before I even took the job, my therapist cautioned me about taking this job. She warned me that doing this will just add on to my PTSD. But I told her that I like going out there to heal and save people.
I feel very successful about myself, thinking about all the good I’ve done for my country and my community. I have helped saved lives. It makes me feel good. But when I’m at home in my personal life, I feel alone. I hardly have any friends. Its hard for me to open up to people, especially towards women. Its because of my sickness. It isn’t easy when you’re constantly depressed and reliving certain traumatic events. They just don’t go away. I think the thing that’s kept me going all this time is music. I have a great passion for rock. A few years after Afghanistan I taught myself how to play the guitar. Today I’m pretty good. Not an expert by any means, but I love playing. It makes me forget about all my problems for a few minutes, and gives me peace.
First off, I want to welcome you to the HeartSupport community! I hope you find a sense of safety and refuge here. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us and trusting a bunch of strangers with your message. It means a lot!
Secondly, thank you so much for your service. There is no greater love than to sacrifice your life for your friends/country. You are a very strong dude for fulfilling your contract to the fullest, beating “the bad place” and getting a firm grip on dealing with your PTSD. I’m glad to hear that you’re enjoy your new job as a firefighter/paramedic (I ALMOST went into that exact same profession, but instead chose to work in the music industry last second), and it’s awesome to hear that you picked up & love playing the guitar. I used to play guitar but later switched to drums because of how easy it is to pick up a song and play (as opposed to needing to learn the chords/notes first and blablabla). Rock on!
@Devin wow, what a life story! Man,you are so brave for going through hell and back,fighting with yourself and winning eventually. You should be proud every day of your life for how far you have come- and that is not for being perfect, but in your imperfection having a really beautiful heart,wanting to help other people and not getting lost in your own mind.
I know it is hard and loneliness is a terrible monster to fight off. But you are on a mission of doing good to others and I believe that one day this good will come back to you. Hang in there and if you ever want to talk people here are a very compassionate community.
You have had a tough life.
Actually life without friends just makes everything tougher. I dont understand how some people get best friends for life, lucky enough them.
All the best to you, hope u find happiness always.
For me loneliness is something that is very odd because I have mixed feelings towards It. I like It being alone, and at the same time I don’t like being alone. Does that make sense?
I learned a long time ago I’m better off this way. Its going to take time for me to open up and invite someone into my life. And that someone (if she even exists) is going to have to be very special, like one in a million, to be able to put up with me and my sickness.
But I can plainly say if I have to live in this cruel world alone, then so be It. I just want one thing in my life, and that is PEACE. Not for others, or “world peace”… Peace for MYSELF. If I can find that I’ll truly be happy.
I personally do not know what it is like to go military overseas and fight for our country. A lot of my family has though. What you did and what you went through many will never understand. Including some of us here at HeartSupport, like me. But 1. Welcome to your HeartSupport family, 2. Thank you for what you did for the US and 3. You are not alone with PTSD. Sadly the way our society likes to deal with you strong men/women who have or are giving their all for our country and world and life is by confusion. What you did is amazing, what you’ve gone through that most of us will never know is amazing and strong. You are in the right place at least here at HeartSupport. Noone judges, or hates… You are now part of a group of people who feel lost. We are all here helping each other find our way in life. If meds bother you then don’t, if the shrinks bother you then don’t. You saying that you deal with these things, your PTSD and your flashbacks and your family not knowing… That’s just more burden on what you’ve already gone through. I’m not saying tell your family and everyone but don’t think you shouldn’t be able to and that you are broken. You’re not broken. We as individuals are the only ones who can eventually break ourselves. Thank you for being a part of HeartSupport now and keep talking. Cause that’s where you will find you are not alone.
Hey Devin, I’m Natalie. Have you tried EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) therapy before? I’ve heard that it can be very helpful in treating PTSD. I’m a big believer in trying to treat my own disease rather than white knuckle through the symptoms.
